the identity tango

I don't even know where to begin, nobody comments on my blog so it's safe to say nobody reads it so I can be open and honest without fear of rejection.

Not that i should fear rejection...

I find that I am letting my identity be defined by the lies people believe about me. Mainly guys.

Ever since my ex moved to across the nation I feel like I am poisoned in the minds of every guy I ever knew and cared about, any prospect that I may have had amongst these guys was completely stolen from me.

In my relationship with my ex I was made out to be this villain. He was young and innocent and unadulterated, and I was made pure again, washed over and made white as snow by the lord but I had a past.

So of course when we mutually fell together and conceived a child and our life paths had started a new direction... and our dreams and plans for ourselves seemed to be put on hold.. it was looked at as all my fault. My ex often times blamed me for the incident of my daughter's conception, he denied that it was mutual for some time because he couldn't admit to himself that he had fallen too. He told my friends in front of me that I had ruined his life, stolen his dreams...

and they believed him...

when the situation became too much to handle causing him to run home to mommy and daddy, he told them it was because of me..

they believed that too.

now any guy I meet who even knows my ex in the slightest I totally write off in my head as "I have an iceberg's chance in hell with that person because they probably have these preconceived notions of me as the man killer"

but the irony in those fears, or assumptions is I am having preconceived notions of those guys...

so basically it's a trap, a toxic web of fear, and lies and manipulation... and true love can't be found in that.

The only crimes I committed against my ex if we could consider these "crimes" is I could not love him the way he deserved. and I kept our daughter, despite his desire to rid of her.

He felt he couldn't handle the situation, that the Lord was giving him too much to handle, and I felt the exact opposite.

My ex was a great guy, on fire for the Lord, caring, romantic, social..kind.... I did not love him, I was not made to. I was not the girl for him and I needed to set him free from the binding of our whirlwind relationship so that he could find the girl out there that was meant for him... I pray to God today that he meets the girl he was made for..etc... he will make one lucky girl very lucky and happy... but that girl is not me...

God has another man out there that is supposed to take that place in my heart.

however I was my ex's first girlfriend so of course, first break ups are devastating... and what made it more devastating I am sure is that I was pregnant with his baby. I had every intention however of remaining his friend and having this baby with him, the day after I broke it off we met in one mile park and we both were relieved that the path we were twisting was somewhat straightened.. and he seemed comforted by our mutual decision to not be involved romantically but to be friends having a baby with each other...

the events that followed were civil and casual... and everything seemed alright up until the night he told me his life was in shambles and he wanted me to give our daughter up for adoption and he was moving across the nation in a week... on one of my tentative due dates to give birth.

It felt like getting hit by a train... and my friend nicole who was with me through everything is the only one who knows the whole truth about everything... most other people just know what they've heard... or what they've been told to believe...

nobody has talked to me about it.

gossip is so sooo painful. Words sting. Biases are made, relationships are detrimentally ruined without a window of a chance of being made on healthy terms, on honest terms...

people who believe gossip are cutting themselves and others short...

I just want to scream to the world "believe what you want about me, but unless you've heard it from my mouth chances are it's not true" and I think that goes for gossip about anything or anyone... it's awful.

Today was an emotional day... well it started out as such.

The friend who I most frequently blog about... whom will always remain nameless when I am writing about him.. the friend whom is the only person I have ever loved romantically with all my heart, whom I have entrusted so much in at one point only to me torn limb by limb by hurtful words... whom fell astray and is now finding his way back... has re-entered my life again.

The other night he walked into a room with me and a bunch of my friends.. one of the friends being the one guy on this Earth who would ask me to marry him and I would say yes in a heartbeat with no doubt in my mind that it would be the happiest life i can imagine for myself...and everyone disapeared only he was there... I exclaimed Oh MY GOD and ran up to him wrapping him in my arms before he could even figure out it was me... and from that moment I knew I couldn't let him write me off... I valued our friendship too much he needed to be in my life. My whole body shook, my heart raced, my palms sweated.. it was just as it would be described in some corny nicholas sparks romance... and I knew the love I longed for... and I was reminded that It existed within me, and I knew I had a chance of falling in love... again... at least I am capable...again.

I used to be so pragmatic in all things love.. especially marriage... I still have an issue with touching... but I think that's because every guy whom i've allowed to touch me I didn't love and so something in me felt violated... and even though I haven't been it feels as though i've been raped a thousand times in a million different ways... and I think that's because those acts were specifically created by God to only be shared with one person for a REASON... but still..

I am finally able to let people hug me.. and ever since I had my daughter I feel as though (as corny as this may sound) my matrimonial clock is ticking... I have wedding fever, I am living vicariously through all of my married friends' pictures...etc..etc...

that's not to say I am some obsessed freak and the next guy who shows interest in me I am gonna be like "ohhhh wahhhh marry me" no.. not at all... I am just aware that I have awoken the desire within me to one day be married, and since it is new... it is strong.

if only that wasn't combined with this notion that I'm toxic to all things male... because (as i mentioned in the beginning of this blog) I am allowing myself to be defined by the lies people believe about me...

but the truth about me is that I am beautiful, smart, caring, motherly, nurturing, domestic, created by a God who considers me perfect.. I have morals and values, I LOVE people with all my heart, I am a great friend, a good mother, I never intentionally say or do anything mean to someone.. although my sarcasm can be misconstrued that way if you don't understand it's my way of being "funny" and "loving" (it's how us Barkleys do it) And, I am not a seductress.. I only want to be experienced by my husband... until then I am made pure again by the Lord, washed clean... made white as snow....

and some day.. I must have hope that I will meet a guy who sees this about me. Who is tactful, and charming, and doesn't even hear lies... but sees truth. who will give me a chance to be who I am.. in everything that I was made to be.... flaws and all... and who will be understanding and loving and forgiving, and I will be in return.

I just have to to trust in the Lord, that he will see this desire on my heart and that his plan for me whatever it may be... is the best for me...

in the meantime I know he has me in this chapter of my life for a reason... and HEY I get to live alone for what might be the only time and chance I would ever have in my life... I lived with my parents for 18 years and then countless roommates for the last 4 years... and now I live with my daughter, but it is my house! and the next person I plan on living with is my husband... so in the meantime I am gonna enjoy the freedom to walk around NAKED! carpe nudism!

well anyway I should really go to sleep my mind is overly active at night and this has produced an unhealthy sleep schedule... I just have anxiety I guess... if you do read this please pray for that... anyway... in 8 hours I am to have coffee with two guy friends of mine, and I am excited to see what the Lord does in that rendezvous. Until I write again. be praying, and God bless.

-Erin.

The times are a changin...

So.. it's been awhile since I wrote last, and a lot has changed.. A lot being the understatement of the year.

For one thing.. in the last entry, I was undergoing some major heartache... and suffering from identity loss due to that.. however ironically enough I didn't lose my identity I just felt lost.. because as I learned later and again at an even later time... is that my identity is not found in people or things on this Earth but in Jesus Christ alone...

Fast forward 19 months and I met the boy whom would be my boyfriend for 9 months. Fast forward 2 months after we broke up to the time when I gave birth to his daughter after he moved to Massachusetts last minute because as he explained it to me "his life was in shambles" which translated to he was young and scared and couldn't handle the given situation.. but as he explained to everyone else... it was because I was "mean to him" and "didn't want him to be part of her life" these two statements were lies he believed at the time.. but for awhile because of the way people treated me based on hearing these things I was upset because I thought my identity was now being defined in these false statements about me...

so I needed a reality check, I checked with my father who would straight up tell me if those statements are true (because he doesn't sugar coat anything..) and he told me I was just the normal dose of hormonal during the pregnancy.. but not what you would define as "mean"

and when I took a moment to step back and take a breath of air and calm my hurting heart down, I saw... that there was nothing I could've done to make him stay.
I was not the reason for his departure. I did not ruin his life. I fell one night with him and conceived a child in that moment and decided from then on I was keeping that child, because I was made by the Lord to be a mother... (my maternal instinct is the strongest thing in my body), I broke up with him because I could not love him the way he deserved because I was never in fact IN LOVE with him, although I begged and pleaded with God to be at some point.. but my heart never changed... and because of a lot of messy, not so lovely stories and accusations that took place in our relationship I was hurting a lot and did not feel comfortable around him...and therefore was tense in general. but I was not intentionally mean to him...

his decisions were his own. He decided to "fall" with me, he decided he couldn't handle it, he decided he needed to move back in with his parents in massachusetts and he decided to stay there... those were his choices and the consequences of those decisions on his half are HIS... so I can't do anything about that.

The last time I can remember being intentionally mean to someone was in the sixth grade when I told this girl she was fat because I thought it would score me "cool points" but immediately when I said it my heart felt sick and I chased her around the school begging her to forgive me... pleading with her.. telling her how sorry I was... and ever since then i've been a gentle spirit towards others... this is how God made me.

He also made me sarcastic, which could be misconstrued as mean if you don't understand that I am actually just trying to me humorous and loving.. in my own special way.

anyway..

Flash forward four months later and I have a beautiful little girl named Katarina Vera.. Vera being the name of my Grandmother who passed away in October of '07... and Katarina being the name of the shrew in William Shakespeare's "Taming of the Shrew" (only spelled differently.. which happens to be the same spelling of a russian olympic figure skater...)

She is the light and the love of my life... some things are challenging being a single mom.. but most things are enjoyable.. it's a journey, and I am blessed to be on it.. even though at some points... I feel lost... I know that God never leaves me side.

He never has and He never will.

I live in my Own apartment right now.. I moved in a little less than a week ago... I feel so domestic! I invited friends over and made them enchiladas and we played boardgames til one a.m

for awhile there my relationships with all the guys in my life were shady, because none of them knew how to act around me after my daughter's father ran away... but my relationships with them are getting better, and I am glad.

My life is sort of piecing itself back together bit by bit after what seemed like a chapter of my life where a nuclear bomb went off.

Speaking of (and don't ask how this reminded me of this)
But I started watching the Show LOST on hulu about a month ago and I am completely caught up and it's amazing.

I am currently on foodstamps, and medi-cal because my liquid resources are very slim and the government sorta helps single moms financially in these areas when needed and the result is that my fridge and freezer and cupboards are filled to the brim with food, and it makes me so glad that I want to eat ALL THE TIME!

I may have an unhealthy addiction to string cheese and Capri Suns..
....looking into that.

I also have a gym membership at inmotion here in town and it has a daycare where I can drop Katarina off two hours a day... so I can get a little "me time" in when needed...

I take a hot yoga class there... and I have also taken weight lifting, step, Flex appeal, and a kickboxing class there...

other times I just swim laps, and use the excercise machines to tone abs, or go on a stationary bike for 20 minutes..

getting in shape feels good and is great for the endorphines.... (which is good for someone with me with dysthymia and low seratonin levels...)

Depression is no good when you've got a babez to take care of....

today was my friend Shane's birthday and so i bought him this cake shaped like a bunny at safeway.... it was all they had so I asked if they could give me a figurine that would make it look masculine and all the had was this bulky spider man with suction cup hands that looked like he was scaling a wall.. and so I put it on the bunny's back to make it look like Spider man was riding the bunny... It's a good thing Shane has this exact type of sense of humor.
In fact kendra said something along the lines of it was shane in cake form.. LOL

Right now I am taking a major vow of purity... I am in the market for a purity ring and I have a mantra written above my bathroom sink that I read everyday that talks about how I am only to be experienced by God until in Marriage I am washed over and can ONLY be experienced by my husband and it makes my heart glad...

I felt for awhile that the world viewed me as so unpure because I fell and had a daughter.. but the truth of that situation as I stated was that my boyfriend at the time and I mutually fell together and God created something beautiful out of that sinful act and it was my innocent and pure and beautiful little girl.. whom God knew before he even planted in my womb...

and someday some man isn't gonna care that I fell and had a baby with someone else.. he is going to love me for me, for all that I am, for all that God created me to be,.. Flaws and all and he is going to marry me.. and Love my daughter.. and I will have a complete family... until then I am concentrating on my relationship with God... although I do have some interesting prospects _0.0_

anyway, I know there are a lot more things to fill you in on, but I got the major things out of the way... I will keep you posted hopefully..
ttfn ta ta for now.
and GOD BLESS!