*loneliness
*feeling stuck in the mundane
*battling my self-worth
*feeling like I wasn't living up to full capacity...
and despite the fact these are all debby downer type-attitudes.. they were how I felt and those feelings have been completely justified as of late.
In other words.. I've learned a lot about myself these last few months and a light has been shined in the dark corners of my being..
I understand now a lot better than before why I am the way I am.
Why I feel the way I feel.
Why I hurt the way I hurt..
In my last post before this I was asking God why I was not satisfied. IN a sense I was praying for these revelations and Praise Him they came to me.
For one thing I learned what my love language is.
Ethan and I have gone to a married couples bible study called "Solid Start" for about a year now.. Right now the bible study is going through the book "the five love languages" by: Gary Chapman..
after a few sessions and some tests I learned (and I am pretty sure I have always known) That my love language is
"QUALITY TIME" and my second highest love language is "WORDS OF AFFIRMATION"
this all plays into my being an ENFP but I will get into that later...
SO what does a love language do? Well according to Dr. Chapman.. there are five basic ways that a person feels love. Through touch, words, acts of service, gifts, or through time spent with others. We all feel loved by all of them but we have a primary way that we feel loved.
My primary way is through Quality time. What does this mean? That my "love tank" (as chapman calls it) is filled when I have meaningful relationships. Intellectual conversations, lots of good friends, I feel loved when people spend time with me..
I am an extrovert and I can quote myself saying how relationships are a huge intricate part of who I am.. that my life at times is defined by the relationships I am in and the quality they possess.. I have also stated that I abhor surface level relationships.. I don't do shallow surface level relationships.. I like to dive right in.. even if the water isn't safe. I want to know why a person is the way they are, why they tick, what makes them tick, and in return I wear myself on my sleeve. I am an open book..
I have said it many times.. I AM AN OPEN BOOK. WHO I AM IS RAW, I put myself out there, I don't hold back.. I give myself to everyone...
Some may say this is dangerous.. but don't worry I too have boundaries.. I know how to guard myself as well.. but I am not afraid to put myself out on the table as well..
If someone comes to me about something personal I always try to relate on a personal level drawing from my own vault of personal experiences... for those who don't see this about me...they can misconstrue it for me making everything about me.. when that is the total opposite of the case...
My second love langugage is words of affirmation.. what does this say about me? That I thrive on encouragement, I desire with all my being to be affirmed, exhorted, motivated, inspired... This plays completely into the fact I am an ENFP...
I am a HUGE fan of the meyers-briggs personality test... knowing what someone scored on this test helps me get better insight into why they are the way they are... I scored ENFP every time i've taken the exam.. what does this say about me??
E- I am an extrovert.. I thrive in the presence of people whereas introverts drain in the presence of people
N- I am intuitive.. I look beyond circumstancial evidence and situations and think beyond the box to what is behind the cicumstances.. this helps me not to judge books by their covers so to speak.
F- I am a feeler... I feel things and deeply.. my spiritual gift (a whole other topic on its own) is "Mercy" I feel what others are feeling. I can walk into a room and feel the emotional atmosphere immediately. I get goosebumps at concerts when people sing in unity, I cry when people tell me sad stories, I cannot watch scary movies because they get under my skin and taunt/haunt me forever... I don't watch overtly sexual or violent movies either... I cannot numb the way I feel to watch these sorts of things.. they effect me profoundly.
and lastly.
P- I am a perceiver.. I percieve things rather than judge them.. which goes hand in hand with intuition..
the ENFP is the "Inspirer"
WE thrive on bringing people from point A to point B.
WE thrive in encouraging others to be the best them they can be.
(and in turn with my love language.. ask for that in return)
We thrive in relationships with people.
WE thrive in inspiring others...
THIS ANSWERS WHY I HAVE BEEN FEELING LIKE I HAVE NOT BEEN TRULY LIVING.
misinterpreted in my past blogs.. you would think that I was unhappy with my humble little home maker life...
well yes and no..
I love my husband and my kids more than life itself and I would not trade them or my life with them for anything in the world.. but at the core of me I have always known there was more to life for me than this humble little life... I am not wired to be Betty home maker.... I am not wired to be the stay at home mom.. I am wired to be out there in the world engaging with lots of people.. speaking to the masses, inspiring everyone I come across..
If I am not inspiring people I feel unfulfilled.
If I cook I want it to be great. I want my husband to tell me it's the best thing he's ever tasted.
I want my house to be immaculate, my car to be immaculate so people are inspired to clean, to live an orderly life, I want to seem like I have got it together at least from the outside.
I want to do crafts that inspire others to craft. That motivate others to put pen to paper or paint to canvas or hook to yarn.
Everything I do I measure it's worth or value based on it's effectiveness to inspire or motivate others.
I want to be an inspiration in everything I do..and if there aren't people to inspire or motivate I am not living to my full potential... which ties into my need for relationships as well..
My passion is in movies and filmmaking and one day I hope to inspire others to act or make movies or be a positive influence in the media industry... and use that platform to inspire the world.. hopefully to love one another.
Anyway to wrap it all up.. (since i now have a yelling baby,,, ) These little revelations here and there are giving me the grace and understanding I need to love and accept myself for who God made me to be... I hope this blog entry gave you a little bit of an insight into me.. and perhaps you can understand me better as I am learning about myself as well.
Blessings everyone.