If We Have No Peace

  Last night I had some dreams. Some crazy world's end kind of dreams. They were so vivid, and so real, they were as though they were actually happening. They were as though God was taking me on a journey.

I can't remember them in their entirety, but the world had ended.. I know this much.. but Life had not ended, I knew I had died, or that my life on Earth (everyone's life on Earth) was over, but I didn't feel fear, or trepidation, I felt peace.. I was peaceful, and Serene, because in my heart of hearts, in the deepest part of my soul, I knew God was there, I was with Him, and everything was going to be ok.

At one point I was floating through some kind of space or void, I had a companion at my side, and she pointed out that new worlds were being built around us, literally Earth's were being built, new worlds... for life.. Only these (I assume) were perfect... and I remember just feeling exhilarated, excited.. I was going to be with my Lord forever... and I didn't feel alone.. I felt Togetherness..

See.. This year is a rocky one... from everything going on in the world, all the war, the needless death, illnesses, terror... hatred... everywhere you turn.

The media is filling us with Fear, and hopelessness and anxiety... We can't turn on any kind of social anything without seeing some kind of brokenness, some kind of feud. Some kind of controversy blowing up in our faces..

as a species, we are in the pit of despair.

This election the United States is facing is center stage right now for us Americans. With everyone feeling hopeless and frustrated like we're on a sinking ship and Democracy (the opinions of many) is not going to save us. We are becoming divided and spiteful and fearful.. because our future is looking pretty dim right now. My grandmother-in-law professed that she has voted every election since 1960 and THIS one is the worst. We are not in a good spot right now as a Nation.

I have said before.. we live internally. Our problems (no matter how big or small) are the "worst problems" the "only problems" amiright???

 So Here's my deal... Yesterday I was diagnosed with Physical Exhaustion by my Family Doctor..

What like I need a nap??
 No.

Like my body and immune system are actually physically shutting down because I need rest above all other things.

As a Child I needed more sleep than the average person and as an adult that hasn't changed..  I used to get sick all the time as a child.. vomiting sick and it all boiled down to I wasn't getting enough sleep..

When my husband and I were dating he used to be perplexed and quite frankly annoyed by how much I ( a grown woman) napped, until my father took him aside one day and was like "look Erin needs sleep.. she always has..etc.etc.."

Now I am like the third stubborn child of my husband who fights bedtime. He has actually had to take away my phone and computer before and even at one point threatened to remove a lightbulb because I would not could not go to bed.

The last few days I thought I was dying.. I literally felt myself begin to fade.. I had a virus last week that took my immune systems entire attention and I never gave myself a chance to recoop... And it's biting me in the butt now...

On top of exhaustion my husband works for a corporation that is constantly laying people off.. "Oh the weather changed... let's lay off 50k people for no reason at all"

So my husband has been frustrated and concerned, our marriage has been struggling because stress seems to equal less communication and etc etc...

and to me, my whole life is just HARD.

Life is in fact hard..
But sometimes you just need a dose of perspective...

Today I got one.

Today was my son's field trip to the pumpkin patch.. Every child 4 and under needed a parent or guardian to attend so despite my orders from the doctor to sleep for 3 days... I went.

I didn't know any of the mother's or guardians of my son's classmates.. and let me just say...  I am honored to have gotten to know some of them today.

  I am a Mercy. What is that? It's a spiritual gift. Mercy's feel and feed off emotions, they empathize and sympathize with people, they are kind, and nurturing and they love people.. in their brokenness, in their most vulnerable states.. Mercy's can listen and love on others in their predicaments, but an unhealthy Mercy will pick up their burdens and add them to their own.. (I am still trying to find the balance but I digress)

  Today, As I got to know these women.. I came to know their struggles, several professed to me the predicaments they were in. One gal has 2 sons from two different men who were abusive and abandoned her. Her most recent living situation was with a woman who exploited her, took her money, and abused their "verbal contractual agreement of living terms" and she is now homeless.. she had to take her oldest son and flee in the middle of the night leaving her 7 month old with her father until she figures out a living arrangement.. another gal just got out of a physically abusive marriage and is trying to figure out how to do life with her two young children now as a single parent. Others were abandoned in their pregnancies.. (much like I was with Katarina so I definitely had no problem empathizing with them)

  As these women came to me and shared their stories, my heart ached and internally I began to pray.. I held one of them in my arms as she cried on my shoulders and in that moment... it didn't matter that we were strangers.. we were both women, both mothers, both humans sharing this same broken planet and we were both in our own ways very much broken.. AND we came together in solidarity...

I have said this many times over.. WE ARE IN THIS TOGETHER.
WE are Not alone. Everywhere you look, there is someone struggling with something, we only have each other.. and GOD.

Mother Theresa said it best " If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other"

 Yesterday a gal friend of mine posted something on her facebook wall about how appreciative she was for all the love and support her husband were receiving and she gave a nod to God for giving her the strength she needed to get through... I was perplexed because I moved away from her a couple years ago and her facebook wall did not hint at what she could be talking about so I reached out to her... I wanted to know what it was that I missed, and what it was I needed to pray for.. Because I love her and her family so much. She and her husband came into my life when I had just moved to a new town and had no friends to call my own, I met her at a children's museum and we hit it off immediately.. She had a much smaller family then, and has since had a couple more babies, but she and her husband were so hospitable... they would invite us over for dinner and we would have game nights and playdates.. I really treasure our friendship..

 Her husband, whom she has been married too for quite some time and whom she has a whole gaggle of children with has openly come out as Gay. He has also openly come out as a struggling (yet recovering) Sex addict.. At first I was completely blindsided and shocked.. (as anyone might be) but as I kept reading I couldn't help but feel extreme admiration, and be humbled, by the courage, and strength, the outright honesty and acceptance of it all.

  You see, this isn't something he just discovered or that she didn't know about.. They have been struggling with this issue in silence for many years.. and for him to come to the point where he could share this with everyone so blatantly and lay it out on the table that this is who he is, and that despite all of the hardships of it all, he loves himself.. and accepts his struggles for what they are is just a beautiful and humbling thing. And there is hope.

 We all are struggling with things in private.. we are all living behind some kind of facade.. especially with the internet and social media being what they are.. it is easy to share the things you want people to see, and know and/or believe about YOUR reality.. Facebook is generally the highlight reel of peoples' lives.. NOT the behind the scenes.. and when we start comparing ourselves and our struggles with everyone else's supposed triumphs and blessings, we start to fuel that fire of living internally and falling into the pit of "Well I must be alone.." "nobody else struggles like me"

And that is NOT true.

Everyone is fighting some kind of battle, and it took this man being so honest, and laying his biggest battle out there for the whole world to see, for me to step back and just be like WHOA ...

There are bigger things at work, there is more than what is inside our little bubble.

My friend and her husband, despite everything are working on their marriage, they are seeking council and they have so much love and support that it fills my heart to the brim, because people despite everything.. are good.

We are made in God's image.. and God is GOOD.

We are in this together. We have hope. Even the end of the world is not the end. There is more. There is good. There is LOVE. There is TOGETHERNESS.

  When I first became a christian I had this crazy dream.. Just as real as the one I had last night.. I was walking through a field.. there were beautiful flowers, and children playing around me, and everything was perfect... and then people started dying, and the flowers wilted and demons started chasing me and I began to run... towards a cliff.. and with all the faith in my being I jumped off that cliff, I didn't know if I would live or die, there was only one thing I knew and I screamed it out loud.. "I LOVE YOU JESUS!" I woke up after that, and I was trembling all over.. my heart was going to beat out of my chest.. but I felt more alive than I had in forever..

We are in this together. And God is with us, and He will never leave us or forsake us.

Another little anecdote and then I will tap out of this thing.

In my first months of of being with Christ My friend Took me to this little hole in the wall chapel in a town near where we lived.. Now this town, is not known for good things, it's known for drugs, prostitution, gangs, murder, what we humans would label the "worst kinds of sins"

During one of the worship songs, everyone came together and stood in front of the stage.. everyone sang, and swayed, people raised their arms, people got on their knees, people were weeping.. and I stood their in the solidarity of it all, all these broken people, coming together, and laying themselves before Christ.. and I fell over.. My legs gave out and my friend caught me.. and I just weeped and weeped and weeped in the glory of it all...

This woman came up to me, a complete stranger and started speaking in my ear.. she spoke to me truths about myself, that God had shown her, that I had never shared with anyone. It's moments like these that hooked me.. I knew God is Real. God is Here. God will not leave me. He has never left me. I am not alone. I have never been alone.

and neither have you.

Here is my prayer.

Lord Jesus, I pray for all the broken, and the hurting, and those who feel hopeless and alone. Lord I pray for you to fill their spirits, to reveal yourself to them, in whatever way it is that they need to see and feel you, and your presence. Lord I pray for healing, Healing of relationships, restoration of health, wherever it is people need healing, Lord I pray Your hand is there. You're the way, and the LIFE and You are the Light in the darkness.. I pray for strength, I pray for courage, I pray for the broken to come together and seek You out.. For YOU and YOU alone, are what is going to make us whole. I pray for the desires of everyone's heart to be realized, I pray for our nation, and I pray against the spirit of hopelessness. We are not without hope. You are driving this ship. And Your plans are not to harm us, but to give us hope and a future. Lord Thank you for Everything. My gratitude falls short.. My pride is too much. Thank you for this day that humbled me and made me realize YOU are what matters. WE are in this together... And we will be OK. Amen.

To Be Known and Understood.

  I am pretty sure the deepest and most intimate desire of every human soul roaming this planet, is just to be known and understood. To have someone in their life say " Hey, You! I see you. I am here for you.. I get you.." and in conclusion "Let's do this thing called life together"

This to me is what friendship is.
This is what I strive for in all my relationships
I give all of myself to everyone I enter into a relationship with
I don't want the surface level, superficial acquaintance relationships.

Life is short. Give me real. Give me YOU. After all we are not making it out of this world alive.. so... what do you have to lose?

I will tell you, in being authentic, in sharing yourself with others, sharing your triumphs, your failures, your weaknesses your strengths, in exchange for theirs.. you will be made whole and you have SO MUCH to GAIN.

All the introverted readers out there just fell out of their chairs..

Don't worry.. I see you too.

It's in our nature

It's in our nature

It's in our nature

It's in our nature

Put down your sword

Send home your dogs

Open up your doors

Let down your guard

It's in our nature

It's in our nature

It's in our nature

It's in our nature

Put down your gun

Ignore the alarm

Open up your heart

Let down your guard

It's in our nature

It's in our nature

It's in our nature

It's in our nature

It's in our nature 

-Jose Gonzalez

Last post I went a little too descriptive into some of the dark relationships of my past.. I have gone back and edited out some of the more "unnecessary" details (after all they weren't needed to get my point across) and I am sorry for anyone who may have read it and been disturbed/turned off/etc..

For those of you who didn't read it. Here are the bullet points:
* I am an ENFP
*Relationships are everything to me
*Relationships are hard
*K-College brief synopsis of toxic relationship patterns
*etc..etc..

I mentioned in conclusion to everything that the next series of posts would pertain to my favorite thing.. Relationships... The Good, The Bad, The Ugly, The Topsy Turvey... but the overall beauty of all of them..


But first Let's explore my passion for this topic a little bit.

As I have said a BAJILLION times.. the Meyers-Briggs examination is my homeboy.

I geek out hardcore if someone knows their score.. and if they don't I geek out even harder helping them to take the test and to teach them about their score.. and in doing so.. learning about each other..

I feel like it's the 30 minute get deep quick scheme for us ENFP's (my score) who love to get to know people..

As an ENFP. We want to know how and why you tick, what drives you? What pleases you? what displeases you? Why do you behave a certain way in a certain situations...

there's a definite science to it.. I swear.

When I learned my husband's score.. It was like a bright sunbeam shown down on me and a giant lightbulb appeared and just awoke my soul..

It spoke about him perfectly, directly.. it made him make sense to me.

Now I know why such and such angers him.. so let's avoid those things
Now I know what makes him happy.. Let's do more of those things..

and the irony of his score is... he HATES the Meyers-Briggs examination.. He thinks it's too black and White, There's not enough grey area and you can't put people in a box etc etc..

But I see it more generally than all of that and it has not let me down when it comes to evaluating my relationships with people in how they work or don't and why.. and also.. what I can do to improve upon them.

I always tell people.. I friend... and I friend hard.

People don't see me coming. I am like the spanish inquisition.
Nobody Suspects the Spanish Inquisition.

As I mentioned before, I have a childlike mentality when it comes to forming friendships.. I see another person, and it doesn't matter to me your race, your gender, your religion, your sexual preference, whether you're shy or social.. I see you and I want to be your friend.

I like to boast that both my heart and my mind are pretty open for relationships.. although I also accept the fact not everyone feels the same way.

This week in my MOPS group we discussed boundaries in relationships..
Ironically I actually have done an entire bible study on Boundaries...
and yet Boundaries are something I really struggle with.

There are different kinds of people, (duh) But I am talking more specifically to how different people encounter and engage in relationships..

apart from extroverted (social) and introverted (shy, reserved)
there are also people who are:
*co-dependent-

co·de·pend·en·cy

ˌkōdəˈpendənsē/

noun

1. excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically a partner who requires support due to an illness or addiction.

*independent-

in·de·pend·ent

ˌindəˈpendənt/

adjective

Not Depending on another for livelihood or subsistence

and *interdependent which is the healthiest form of relationship-

in·ter·de·pend·ent

ˌin(t)ərdəˈpendənt/

adjective

1. (of two or more people or things) dependent on each other.

In some of the relationships I have had that have struggled or failed it is because I have become at times Co-dependent...I need to be affirmed that I am needed, valued, appreciated.. you name it.. and people have fallen short of the bar.

This is a trap most people get into. (more on that later I am sure)

example of some co-dependent nature I've exhibited:

This week has been a rough one.. well actually this month has been a little rough emotionally..etc..

 and it's moments like these that I need my friends the most.

I have this one friend who I consider to be one of my closest.. they're involved in many facets of my life and they are the one I go to when I need to "escape" from the daily grind/mundane/stress what have you.

Lately they have been overworked, over tired, and unavailable to fill my need for friendship and companionship and inside I started to break a little.

Every time they have backed out of plans, or denied my new plans, or straight up ignored my phone calls and texts I found myself sinking lower and lower onto what I see as the totem pole of worth and friendship.

After a month of this.. I got to a really low point where I lashed out at them.. and even announced to the whole facebook world "If you want to break an ENFP just make them feel that their friendship means nothing to you"

(dramatic.. ugh.. I know... why?... STOP... Ugh...)

The morning after my lashing out I felt sick to my stomach, emotional, vulnerable, miserable..

for me it didn't matter that I had all of these striving relationships.. I had this one broken one, and that's all I could fixate on.

and the irony of it all?? I had other friends available to console me and reason me through this rough patch with them..

I started to evaluate what is making me so crazed over something so small and forgivable.

Am I a stage four clinger? NO

Do I just want to hang out with someone who is too busy to give me the attention I need at this point in my life? Yes.

eventually they reached out to me and told me they were sorry they've been so distant and they're going through some things, and I agreed to give them space, and now everything is sorted out...

however, I have begun to evaluate more, what drives me in relationships, why I become vulnerable, why I need to be needed at times and can completely exist independently or interdependently apart from people other times..

On the forum of my dramatic "Broken ENFP" post, a good friend of mine brought up my enneagram score.

The Enneagram, is another test that essentially sorts people into one of 9 different personality types..and in knowing your type, you have more awareness of yourself where the Meyers-Briggs one falls short (at least I believe) 

In assessing my score.. I have come to discover even more revelations of myself and why I am the way I am.

My score is closely tied as a type 7 and a type 2.

But In the heart of hearts of things. I am a 2.

What is a 2? Well let me tell you.

1. • 
     

     
     
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2. THE HELPER

   Enneagram Type Two

   The Caring, Interpersonal Type:

   Generous, Demonstrative, People-Pleasing, and Possessive

What does this say about me?

Twos are empathetic, sincere, and warm-hearted. They are friendly, generous, and self-sacrificing, but can also be sentimental, flattering, and people-pleasing. They are well-meaning and driven to be close to others, but can slip into doing things for others in order to be needed. They typically have problems with possessiveness and with acknowledging their own needs. At their Best: unselfish and altruistic, they have unconditional love for others.

• Basic Fear: Of being unwanted, unworthy of being loved
• Basic Desire: To feel loved
• 
  

Key Motivations: Want to be loved, to express their feelings for others, to be needed and appreciated, to get others to respond to them, to vindicate their claims about themselves.

which brings  me to the whole point of this blog. The most important thing in my relationships with people is to be known and understood, and this is how I strive to be in relationships with others as well.

I give all of myself into every relationship I enter.

Which in itself is a blessing and a curse.

a blessing because I hold nothing back, I have my heart out there for the taking, I will give you the shirt off my back, I am a self-sacrificing , overtly loving and generous companion for any lucky person to behold..

however in never holding myself back, I give everyone I love the power to make or break me with their actions.

and in giving so much all the time, I set up an unrealistic expectation for the other party to be able and willing to do the same, and when they don't I am hurt.

So here is where boundaries come in...

People have their own guards up, their own ways of confronting others, and engaging in relationships. Not everyone I befriend is gonna be a people loving ENFP, type 2 who is going to put their life on pause for me when I need them or to exhort me with words of affirmation to remind me of my worth and value.

in fact a majority of the people I meet and befriend may not fit that bill at all.. Let's be real. 

William Shakespeare said; "Expectations are the Root of Heartache"

Of course if I expect everyone to feel and act the way I do withEVERYTHING.. They are going to let me down.  They are not going to meet the bill... They will become overwhelmed, and leave.

One of the things on of my fallen relationship partners said to me when our friendship hit the fan was that they thought I was superficial, juvenile, Materialistic, that I thought too highly of myself because of how much I had given them... that I thought less of them somehow as a person and a friend..because of said reasons... Like I needed to buy love from people.

If they had only given me the chance to talk this all out with them, the relationship would be saved, but they were done, they didn't want to communicate.. and they left things very unresolved and painful.

This is an example of the part of my type 2 personality where it says " They are well-meaning and driven to be close to others, but can slip into doing things for others in order to be needed."

The thing about the end of this relationship is, the person accused me of not being authentic, of using my generosity as a gimmick, a facade.. for superficial narcissistic reasons.. but also as my type describes me at my best that I am altruistic, unselfish and I love unconditionally.

If I have ever given myself to anyone it was never to gain anything back, however.. when I did, and the prize was YOU.. I rejoiced over and over again.

If I have ever told anyone I loved them, I have meant it more than anything I have ever said.

So in conclusion, (for fear of rambling on for 20 years) Relationships are hard, but they are worth it, and there are resources out there that can give you the tools to do life with others, and to understand who YOU are intrinsically and why...

And also.. communication, communication, communication is the most IMPORTANT thing in any relationship.. But again. (more on that later)

Stay tuned buttercups. The series on Relationships will continue.

Be Blessed! -Erin.