unlike the lilies; a life of excess

first off let me start off this blog by saying that if my dad catches a glimpse of this blog ( in the off chance that he's on facebook and not watching a laker game) I can safely assume that he will just scowl at my openness of emotions. Sharing my feelings for the public eye has always been looked down on by him, he thinks it's a call for sympathy, when really writing is my venue or medium for sorting out everything going on inside my being...

And since the creation of the blog, I have the ability to share my disgruntled state with the world.. and maybe just maybe someone will understand, or feel better knowing THEY are not alone...

(my dad tends to think that I think I am the only person who encounters emotions as these)...

anyway...

on with the blog.

let me start it off with a bible verse that I aspire to be more like:

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life^b?

28“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these."-Matthew 6:25-29

I feel like lately I am living my life in excess... I am anxious.. I am pursuing things too much...

My latest struggle (here it goes) is....dun dun dun BODY IMAGE. I know I am in good shape, I have never struggled with my weight before, but something has come over me and I am determined.. determined to lose all of my body fat... my most insecure point is my arms... I long for and desire skinny arms... and no matter how much I work out, how much yoga I do, how much fast food I don't eat... they are still (in my eyes) huge; unappealing...making my whole view of myself distorted.. I know what you're probably thinking.. "that's dumb"... but this is the truth of how I am feeling right now.. this is how I am.

I started a cleanse today... a master cleanse.. also known as the "lemonade diet" which consists of pure lemon juice, pure maple syrup, cayenne powder and alkaline water, and instead of eating for ten days I am supposed to drink a glass everytime I am hungry and go to bed with a laxative tea... I did this.. initially for the health benefits.. or so I convinced myself.. I thought (and told others) "I will rid of my toxins" I thought... it wouldn't be in vanity if I thought of it as a fast and leaned on God for strength and support during it... but the truth always wins... and the truth was... I wanted to lose the weight...

The minute I owned that I was diet stir crazy, I couldn't go through with the fast... I started getting anxious, not being able to wait... I wanted the weight off now, I wanted my arms skinny and beautiful now!... I saw pictures of myself with some sort of significant other and I was beautiful.. complete with my skinny arms wrapped around him... awful I tell you... awful...

In one of my favorite movies "What happens in Vegas" which happens to ironically be a romantic comedy... one of the characters tells the other "it's like you're trying to come in first when it's somebody elses race"

That's what I feel like right now... I feel like I am making myself unattainable goals for no known reason.. I am pursuing everything in my life restlessly right now I.E my goal to lose weight, my goal to obtain financial security for myself and my daughter (a big one), my relationships with people.... and other things I can't even give a name to... it's like my desires are so strange... I am trying my hardest to get to the finish line, to see the finished perfect picture that I have of myself and my life... and I can't even see the finish line.. because it's not my race....

proverbs say that we create our path but the Lord directs our steps (or something like that.. it's paraphrased) and here I am trying to have control of everything, trying to obtain everything I THINK that I NEED... when really I need to pick and choose my battles.

God knows His plans for me. He knows what I need more than I do... and yet.. I am trying to take the steering wheel when I merely should be reclined in the passengers seat enjoying the scenery.

I am not in control.. and right now I don't even have the eyes or ears or knowledge for the things in my life I really need. (translation: I don't know which of the things in my life I am pursuing endlessly are a waste of time or not)

I need to seek Wisdom from the Lord as to what I should be prioritizing my desires around... He knows the desires of my heart but can He show me which ones I can rid of and which ones I should concentrate on?

Because right now it seems like I am giving the world what I want from it in return.. (I.E giving certain people or a special "person" special attention in hopes that they will give it back etc...etc...)

This pursuit this "give to get" mentality is one skewed paradigm... it leaves me feeling life everything is one sided.. it's expectations.... in disguise. expectations which I loathe, which I think are toxic to anyone or anything...

but I inadvertently have them.. in my pursuits.. in my life.. I am human.. I am a hypocrite in this way.

I need to not be anxious.. to just be ok, to just lean on the Lord and let the cards fall where they may..

I need to relax, smell the roses... be like the lilies... I need to NOT NEED... but to Trust.

It's easier said than done.

I need to not do everything in excess... but give what I'm called to give and receive what I am called to receive and be happy in both.

Lord may these things be done in the name of your song Jesus Christ.

AMEN.