When I told my friend Ben, that I had been listening to non-stop indigo girls, his response was "Who hurt you?" followed closely with "what's her name?"
I have been on a spiritual journey as some of you have read and/or noticed.. this season is full of ups and a lot of downs, but I am scooting on through, I have survived every single one of my worst days so I think I am good.
with the coming and going of this looming feeling of demise I have been battling, I have also had a renewed perspective of how I want to live my life, what I want my mission to be.
I guess you could say, I am moving forward with a viewpoint similar to one who may have had a near death experience.
I started to analyze the ways I connected with people, the types of people I was drawn to, how those people feel love, how I can love them better..etc...etc...
I realized, their is no real human similarity in the people I connect with, being that I don't discriminate against race, gender, sexual preference, age...
I then began to realize that I don't really notice those things, like they just don't enter into my psyche on an analytical level.
Clearly I know if my friend is gay, straight, trans, male, female, older, younger.. I do see those things and know those things but they do not implicate why I have connected with those people.
They don't matter to me I guess...
I hope I am explaining this well.. let me elaborate a little.
I see spirits... not people... and no this isn't a Haley Joel Osmont moment of "seeing dead people"
When I am attracted to a person, it's my spirit being drawn to theirs... and when I say "attracted" I do not mean sexually..
in fact sexuality is not second nature to me.. let me get back to that later...
what I mean to say, is my spirit recognizes itself in others. There is a light that they let show, that draws me to them... in fact my friend Uziel recently taught me that it has been scientifically proven that we each emit a small ray of light, and that light cannot die....
it can however be dimmed... and we don't shine the brightest if we don't feel understood, loved, safe, trusted, those sorts of things.
In different seasons we attract more to our light than in others...(think about that on your next coffee break)
but back to how I connect with people, or spirits..
I am lead by love, I at one point asked God to break my heart for what broke His.. and I will never forget that prayer, because it was answered....
be careful what you pray for... because if you knock the door will open...
I love with such a powerful might, that I know only the entity that created me, could also share it... and gave it to me.
I love so intensely, it physically hurts.
my loyalty is one of my strongest traits,
because if I was to betray or hurt anyone, it would literally kill me.
I cannot tell a lie.
I do white lies for surprises and such,
but keeping secrets or withholding truth, is very difficult if not extremely painful for me.
I could never get away with trying to lie to my mother because she could physically see me getting sick as I told it.
And I would get sick.
She used to tell me she liked that my stomach hurt when I lied...
I always thought that was a weird thing to like, until I got older and realized there is a lot of FALSE Truth and lying in this world...
and I am glad to not be a part of it.
I am an open book, I over share, I hold nothing back, I speak my mind, my heart, my spirit no matter how vulnerable it makes me, or how many times I might be taken advantage of..
It doesn't matter to me. Because I know I loved them well.
They may not love me at all.. but I loved them well.
My spirit has been on fire lately, my small bout of mortality and the passing of my friend has sent me into a frenzy.
my mission is clear, I need to find new ways to love people, and always strive to love people better and more often.
I guess you could say that's a resolution, but I think it's more my life's purpose.
I have connected with soo many diverse spirits, and all are beautiful and unique and different.
Let me tell you a couple little stories... Sit down and get your comfy blanket and some tea or coffee.
Once upon a time...
Jk
Last August I went with my husband to Las Vegas for the Annual Defcon (a hacker convention), A lot of really unique spirits attend to learn more ways to be secure in the cyber sphere or just to learn cool and fun ways to hack different things, and to test the limits of what can be hacked... because in doing so, we can find loop holes and fill them.. that sort of thing.. There are different talks in convention halls that teach about all different kinds of things that you can think about, and of course.. there are PARTIES. And I am talking Big parties, Suite's rented, Penthouse's Rented, Hotel Pools Rented... Parties that have live music, or Djs, Open Bars, Parties that cost thousands of dollars..
It's a fun time.
But last year was special. As soon as we arrived, I started to feel out of place, I needed to find what tied me to this place, to these events... There were so many different and diverse spirits there, but finding a way to connect to them felt really overwhelming... I had my husband and my friend Christian there... but they wanted to go to different talks or this that and the other thing, so unless I wanted to be glued to my husband's side like a lap dog, I needed to find my place in this convention.
I began reading through the itinerary/ magazine of events and contests and such and I found that they had a film contest, and from the description of it, it sounded like anyone could do it. You could film from any devise, you could have ever so many people in it, there were a couple stipulations, like the prompt was chosen for you, you needed to say such and such, you needed to use _______ prop.. etc... it sounded very-much like a film contest that I participated in a couple years at Chico State when I was there getting my degree in Media Arts. At the end of the description it said you needed to register in person by 11 am on whatever date... the date I was reading the magazine.
I looked at my phone.. it was 10:30.. I had a half an hour to find this place and register for this contest... When Asking around I found that I needed to go to the Planet Hollywood hotel and find where the contest hall was.. so off I went, by myself through Vegas.. I walk down the strip a ways in 115 degree heat, past the topless girls on the side walk, and the monks trying to get me prostitutes, (Vegas is a shithole btw) and I arrive at the Planet Hollywood Hotel, I walked through the cigarette smoke infested casino and into a lobby where I found some Goons. Goons are what we call the "helpers" of defcon. I put helpers in quotations, because although they are there to help, they also just like to fuck with people.... For instance one was squirting hand sanitizer into people's hands telling them they needed to keep the Vegas germs away, but instead of hand sanitizer coming out of the Purel Bottle, it was straight up KY Jelly.. Yes folks... a goon squirted lube into my willing hand......
..........
.........
Never again..
SO anyway, I found the Goons and asked them to direct me to the contest hall.. They pointed the way and I speed walked my way through a long corridor, I turned right down another corridor and found a big sign ahead that said "Contests" and was relieved to get there in time... only thing was... NOBODY WAS THERE. I asked around and nobody even knew about the film contest, or who was running it, there was no way to contact them, I had a burner phone anyway, I just felt lost and defeated, so after waiting around for like 15 minutes I decided to walk back to the Flamingo where my husband and friend were waiting in line to buy SWAG.
By the time I got to them I was close to tears...
feeling extremely exhausted and sad honestly...
In the middle of explaining my story of woe to Ethan and Christian, I happened to look up and see two gentlemen through a crowd of people wearing neon orange shirts that said "film contest" on them...
So Mid-explanation I found myself darting towards these men. I ran straight up to them and in some jumbled garble of language, I somehow communicated with them that I wanted to be in the film contest.
They quickly informed me that there was an entry fee of like $200 and my excited feeling dimmed.
"We actually had two people drop out if you're interested in joining our team, it's already paid for".. they said..and I almost couldn't believe it.
Of course I accepted and they told me where to check in and BOOM just like that.. I was in the film contest.
I got their phone numbers, and learned their names.. they were going by aliases as most do at Con... and so they introduced themselves to me as Drpwnsu (dr. powns you) and Momo. I was like SWEET and we went our separate ways for the remaining of the evening...
In the morning I got a text from Pwnsu that we were going to be meeting at 1pm in the Rio hotel... (which was a ways down the strip) So I had to take a lyft... This was my first time taking a lift by myself... and I was taking it to a hotel I had never been to, with some people I did not know, my lyft driver was concerned I was getting catfished or something, but I assured him it was quite alright, I was letting my intuition lead after all.. Once I get to the Rio, I make my way up to smashburger on the top floor, which is incidentally right across from chipendales.. Fun fact.. So I took some selfies in front of the chipendale "wall of men" and then Saw that Momo had arrived....
Momo, as I later learned was named Steve... and Pwnsu as I soon learned was named Wayne.. So I am going to address them as such now.
So Steve walks up to me and says Wayne is on his way, and we order some burgers and sit down. He and I ordered the exact same thing, even to the things we added to our food, so we chuckled at our similarity and got to talking. Steve and Wayne live in a rural town in Wyoming, they work for the same tech company and are there for work purposes, they are supposed to see a certain talk to learn some cyber security things for work... but they also were really passionate about this film contest and Wayne and the people who are throwing the contest are good friends.
Wayne arrives and he is wearing what looks like a blood drenched lab coat and a freaky mask that covers his entire head... He walks right up to us and says "This is how I do defcon, I've been here the last few years, and I am sorta a legend... people take selfies with me and blah blah blah" It turns out Steve also has a disguise... he bought himself a MOMO mask from the Halloween store down the street.. thus the alias "momo". For most people I think in a situation like this, they would be weirded out... but my mind and heart are so open to experience and learn about new things and new ways to connect with people, that there is nowhere for me to place judgment on them.. To me, their spirits are kind, goofy, creative, smart, interesting.
We spent the rest of the day driving around Vegas, buying props and costumes, creating a story board, and we really got to connect. I really enjoyed learning about these beautiful spirits.. and of course I did take a lot of pictures of people wanting pictures with Wayne and Steve in their Horrorish garb... It was a day full of splendor when I think back on it, it was so fun, and I felt safe and free...
There is so much joy to have when you just accept things and let life happen.
but the next day I woke up and I was sick. Coming out both ends, and I was completely debilitated. Food Poisoning had me down for the count. I sadly texted Wayne and Steve and told them I had to drop out of the contest. They were sad, and they had to scrap pretty much the entirety of what we had planned for our movie, but they were still determined to film something and turn it in.. and hopefully win the awesome prizes and get some street cred.
I felt awful, both physically and emotionally.. I felt I was part of this beautiful thing, and I felt for certain that was why I was there, and why I felt called to this contest... and I just started to doubt everything.. I felt like a total failure...
Around Dinner time though, I began to feel better so I went out to dinner with Ethan on the strip... When lo and behold we ran into Wayne and Steve dressed in full garb, standing around taking pictures with people. I ran up and hugged them, and apologized for how things worked out, they were a little bummed and a little tipsy, because apparently they got disqualified from the contest.. they didn't have enough people on their team and they didn't turn in their movie on time.. I felt awful for them, but I told them we had a lot of fun, and I was glad to have spent that time with them..
the next day Wayne texted me asking if I wanted to go swimming with them, and I answered yes, but got no response. I waited and waited.. still no response... hours passed.. I texted Steve... I said "Wayne hasn't been responding is he with you?" to which he replied... "no... I lost him"... "What?" I asked... apparently, Wayne was really upset about how all the contest went down and wanted to confront his "friend"/runner of contest.. when the guy agreed to meet with Wayne at Planet Hollywood, Steve dropped Wayne off on the curb and went to go park his car.... only to come back to NO Wayne. He had been missing and out of touch for hours... Steve was freaking out. Wayne had been missing for about 6 hours at this point and so defeated and worried about his friend, he went to the bar for a drink, and I told him I would join him. I went down stairs and joined Steve at the bar and ordered a bloody Mary, and then listened as he recounted everything that had happened that day, and where Wayne could possibly be...
I decided to distract Steve with a discussion about Myers-Briggs and pretty soon we had made our way over to the smoking lounge in the Paris Hotel, so that he could take the assessment and find out what his MBTI was... We took the test and it turned out he was an INFJ, which is one of the types my type ENFP is really drawn to. They are like counterpart spirits.. ENFP and INFJ and INTJ .. I told him.. no wonder I felt like we had such a strong spiritual connection.. I then began talking briefly about how I Identified as the Sun... it's kinda a weird topic, but my Alias was Sunshine so I wanted to explain a little.. I showed him my sun tattoo, told him my middle name was summer, that people have always called me sunshine or told me I was the sun in their life, or that the sun made them think of me.. or Sunflowers made them think of me. it goes on and on... but I told him.. I am the Sun... And just then he got really quiet.. he grabbed his phone and signed into his reddit account and handed it to me... Right there on his profile page he had written down in detail, how he identified as the sun, how even sexually he identified with hydrogen atoms bursting and forming, and combining.. it was ASTOUNDING. I had never met another person in my life who said they identified with the sun.. and in that moment I began to cry.. I felt like I had found my long lost brother or something. It was amazing. We sat there and talked about life a bit, he smoked some cigarettes and then realized he ran out, so I got up to go see if I ask someone to bum a smoke. We were in the smoking lounge and that's why everyone was there..So I got up and I found this adorable looking couple sitting in a booth, both young, attractive, objectively, with this aura of celestial, Earthy, Peace... that's the only way I could describe it.. I asked them for a cigarette and the gentleman told me he had just smoked his last one... He had these beautiful Sun and Moon Earrings on and they were gold and immediately caught my attention, I complimented them and then told him I was a cancer, and we started talking about horoscopes and astrological charts... things that interest me.. but then I thanked them for being kind and walked away... when I got back to Steve I told him.. "I didn't get you a cigarette, but I found some people and I really want to keep them" and his response was "go get them"... So I walked back over to the couple (Arthur and Hailey) and I went straight up to them and just said something like.. so.... I want to keep you, can I keep you? and they both didn't miss a beat and said "yea"... so they joined us where we were seating and for the next 3 hours we had this incredible time connecting.... eventually I found out that Hailey lived in the bay area not too far from me, and that she and Arthur used to be roommates before he moved to Vegas and they had become best friends... Arthur was however planning to move back to the Bay and when he did we should all get to together...
It was all very exciting. I knew I would see them again. I knew this wasn't the last time. I knew it in my heart... But I did have to leave, because I had a flight the next morning, So I told them I loved them... Literally.. I told them all.. "I have to go, I love you" and I left.. feeling on cloud 9, because I had just bathed and shared in some beautiful and unique spirits.
We did end up finding out where Wayne was btw.. long story.. but he got arrested... for minor drunk and disorderly charges and possibly charges for giving out free alcohol in the casino.. which is not allowed and he was in Vegas County Jail... not sure if that's the whole story.. but alas.. it will have to suffice.
When I got back home, I texted Arthur and Hailey quite a bit.. I had connected with Steve also, but that fell away pretty quickly, unfortunately that was a tie that had to be cut... it hurt, but it needed to happen...
But Hailey and Arthur had convinced me to start a youtube channel where I just talked and shared stories and such.. Hailey's exact words were "If you had a youtube channel where you just talked and told stories, I would watch the shit out of that" and so my youtube channel. Erin Does Stuff.. Was born...
We talked briefly here and there, Hailey, Arthur and I, but a few months went by where we didn't talk at all.. Fast forward to recently, Hailey texts me out of nowhere and says, "Arthur is back, let's hang out this weekend..." and without hesitating I said "yes" and packed a bag and within a day was joining them in the Bay... When I got there I noticed Haley had cut all her hair off, and within a few minutes she let me know why... She told me when I met her in Las Vegas she was struggling a bit with her sexuality and her own gender identity... she felt lost and couldn't really piece it together.... some time passed and she finally found herself in the identity of a Male named Uziel. Haley is Uziel, the pronoun we use when talking about him is "he". My only take away from this was how happy I was that Uziel was finding himself. and finding happiness in his self. Uziel is not the first Trans or semi/trans person that I have had the pleasure of knowing and I was happy, to be informed of a way I could love him more, by acknowledging his identity, and loving it, just as I loved the previous identity... and of course I am just jubilant when spirits I love find joy, wherever they find it... We are not all wired the same, raised the same, none of us are clones, so none of us share the same DNA, as soon as we realize that our truth, our identity, our perspective is not the only one in existence and open our minds to every other possibility out there, we wont find peace, and joy, wherever we are.. because we would not have been loving completely...
After that brief discussion, I changed Uziel's name in my phone and off we went... we spent the entire weekend catching up, hanging out, eating good food, and exploring some nice little urban spots in the City, it was incredible.. while we were sitting in a Mediterranean cafe/hookah lounge, I told Arthur and Uziel's friend Tom how I met them, and he commented isn't it amazing what Uziel's light and spirit can pull people together like this? And I never thought about it that way, I was like "we saw each other's light, and I wanted to keep them" and then Arthur muttered " Yes it was very 'casperesque'" (in the movie Casper, he asks Christina Ricci's character if he can keep her".. and I laughed.. because that scene in Casper is the actual scene that made me want to make movies.. I saw it when I was 7 and that was the first time a movie ever made me feel anything and I was sold after that.. I told my mom "I want to make movies that make people feel like that"... alas... time will tell..
One of the things I discussed a lot of that weekend with Uziel and Arthur, was sexuality.. not... like what turns us on, so much.. although there was some of that... but like more of the spectrum of sexuality, the variety of ways people can feel love, feel sexual attraction, Not feel sexual attraction, there was a lot to explore in all honesty... There was more to explore than I thought.. and when I say explore... I do not mean experience... I don't want to experience a lot of things, but it is good to be reminded that they are out there, because I don't function in the ways that a lot of people do.... Sexuality is something that is very prominent on this planet, it is the drive, the desire, the you name it of this planet... I don't really... I don't know how to explain this... and I know one of my readers is my grandmother-in-law (HI LOIS) so I need to be careful how I put this.. My intentions with people are not sexual, but because I am so friendly, and forward and open to connection with so many varieties of people, often-times my coming on strong is interpreted as sexual.. like my intentions are sexual, but they never are... I have inadvertently led on, men, women.. even couples (a couple tried to take me home once) because I was so friendly and forth-coming.... and it usually wasn't until someone took me aside and told me how things were being interpreted that made me look back and think more about how I approach people..
I want to connect with all spirits, young old, male, female, somewhere in between.. it doesn't matter, I don't look at any demographic, any objective thing first, I see the light in them I want to ignite and share, and I go from there....
It sucks though because I do come off so strong... I have had misunderstandings, I have had girlfriends think I was hitting on their boyfriends, because I was super talkative and chatty with them and I may have reached out and touched their arm or shoulder or something to get their attention, or what-have you.. I have to realize that I don't have the boundaries a lot of people have, and understanding the boundaries people have and respecting them is another important facet of love...
Sometimes my spirit gets really excited with another spirit or the pursuit of connection that the demographic thing doesn't occur to me and I need a friend to be like.. "He won't talk to you because you are a married woman, and he is a married man" and even though I know and God knows, and most my friends know my intentions are never sexual, in fact sexuality is not second nature, Connection is first and second nature to me... I have to respect that there are boundaries, and human "faux pas" (Sp?) that I need to acknowledge and avoid....
My relationship with my husband is built on complete trust.. he knows how I am around people, how excitable I am, how affectionate I am, and he knows, i'm never pursuing anyone sexually... I told my friend the other day when we were discussing this, that if I were sexually interested in someone... they would NOT HAVE A DOUBT IN THEIR MIND. I would be OVERTLY sexual... you wouldn't have to read between the lines or interpret my intentions... you would know... and there is only one person that sees that side of me, and that's my husband...
After writing this all out, I feel like I should come with a user manual, and Disclaimer or something, because I feel like demographic barriers, relationships statuses, gender and sexuality do get in the way of me trying to just ultimately connect with someone... when I do have the opportunity to go in deep, with someone and they really get to understand me, and we can understand each other, I don't have to worry about how my intentions are interpreted, there are people out there who understand me, and those people.. are my people...
Its pretty simple, you may be too much for some people, but those people aren't your people... I read that once.. and I never forgot it, also.. You may be the sweetest ripest peach on the tree, but there will always be someone who doesn't like peaches... Thinking about these quotes reminds me, that I am fine.
I am who I am, I strive to be better everyday, I am open-minded, compassionate, spirit-led, spirit-driven, and I love people.. I love people sooo much, and I wish I could connect with as many people as is humanly possible in a lifetime, to get to know more about the world around me, the world that exists within all of us... that's my mission.... So far, I've found some beautiful spirits, and I am looking forward to finding more...
So to quote my favorite Song at the moment; "Share The Moon" by: Indigo Girls (shocker)
"Hey la la
I'm gonna love to you till it hurts
I don't mind if I do
Hey la la
I'm gonna love you till it works
I've got no mind to lose"
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