I can't help but feel like an awful person.
I am ungrateful
I am unhappy
I am impatient
I am mopey
I wear a facade
I am not who or what I want to be.
I wish I could see the greater picture.
I wish I could see how all the little things matter.
Changing diapers.
Making dinners.
Doing laundry
washing dishes
reading bedtime stories
cleaning messes
X100
REPEAT
I wish I could see my importance in the large scheme of things.
I wish I could see if I inspire others
I wish I felt like I mattered.
I wish I knew my worth.
I wish I saw my value.
Lord how do you see me? I need to know.
I want to know why things have happened to me
I want to know why things hurt me.
I want to know why I feel certain ways about certain things
I want to know why I lack in Grace these days
I want to know why I feel like screaming
I want to know why I have a hormonal imbalance
I want to know why I want to crawl in the fetal position and cry and cry and cry.
What if you found out that the thing you thought you were made for or to do wasn't really for you?
My whole life I thought I wanted to be a mother, I thought I'd be great at it. I thought it was my calling.
My dad once said "you're gonna have tons of kids because that's the kind of person you are" he also said "You've wanted a baby since you were one, you came out of the womb wanting to hold a baby"
"I am worst at what I do best"-Kurt Cobain.
Why do I feel like I am failing?
Why do I feel like my calling was not my calling?
Why am I not satisfied?
Why do I want more out of life than this?
Why do I have this grass is greener mentality?
I need to shed these thoughts and these feelings, they are consuming me and I am falling into the pit.
I want to be grateful for all I have. I am blessed beyond reason.
I don't want to live in fear. Fear that it will all be taken away in the blink of an eye.
I want to be patient and pleasant
I don't want to be easy to anger, and irrationally resentful.
I don't want the forbidden fruit to reside inside me.
I want the blissful ignorance of an untainted Eden.
Lord. why? just why?
I am opening the vault to my heart, to my soul, to my humanity, to my brokenness....
why Lord? just Why?
I think that's all we want to know.
Why.
