"You may say I am a dreamer but I am not the only one"-John Lennon
"I think I am having an early-life crisis" Is what I just heard myself say to the lady bagging my groceries at trader joes.
The conversation started out simple enough, she was singing "Tiny dancer" to Katarina and I joined in, then she asked if I had seen almost famous and I said I had, and then I quoted michael scott from the office "I just won a tiny dundy"- to the tune of tiny dancer.. in which she asked if I had seen "the new Girl" which led to a conversation about how cool and cute Zooey Deschanelle was and how I wished I was her, or her friend.. to which she replied "You can be whoever you want to be"... and then the fun flow of the conversation ended...
"I keep telling myself that... but then I am just me"- I say trying to hold back tears.
"being who you want to be and learning to love who you are are very different things"- she replied..
*still holding back tears
"growing up I wanted to get married and have kids and now that i've done that, I'm lost.. I am trying to invent a new dream... I am wondering what there is to look forward to... I think I am having an early life-crisis"
I am in a rut.. a suburban era mom rut.... or something like that.
I am depressed...as usual...
I have heard it said that depression is like being homesick for a place you've never been before..
But what if it is being anxious for a destination of which you don't know the path to journey to it?
I keep thinking to myself I am 26... I am much older than I thought I would be to accomplish my goal of achieving my dream job... that is writing, directing, producing or acting in film or television...
I have come a long way from where I was 11 years ago when my mom tried to break me into hollywood until we discovered we couldn't afford to print out and disperse headshots to various agencies... and we hit a wall...
I have graduated from college, gotten a degree in media arts; Communication Design.. I have gotten married, had 2 kids... and moved to a couple suburban neighborhoods and now I am like... what now???
I haven't made movies, I haven't even made a step in that direction since getting my degree and I feel like the clock is ticking..
am I living the "American Dream?" what is the "American Dream"- anyway??? I am not sure I want it...
I am in a rut.. a boohoo, oh woe is me rut.
I wake up, I make my daughter breakfast, I take her to school.. I sometimes take a water aerobics class in which I am the only individual under the age of (I wanna say) 60... then I come home, clean the house, do some grocery shopping, do some laundry, (all while taking care of my 13 month old, making sure he is fed and napped and clean) and then I pick my daughter up from school, usually run more errands.. let her watch a movie (depending on if she was good in school that day or not) we do some homework that I come up with (since she is only in transitional kindergarten) and then I cook a meal, feed my husband and kids when he gets home.. on wednesday evenings I go to zumba at the gym...but usually everyday is the same ol' shpeel... on repeat... Sometimes I wish I was a stepford wife, so that this life was the only one that naively appealed to me.
This past weekend was labor day weekend and my husband and I got away to be with eachother by ourselves sans kids for a couple days in San Fransisco.. and it was weird.. good at times.. but weird... and full of several revelations... one of which is I think I don't know the proper place I left or need to find my identity.
I actually had the thought "I miss my kids, they give my life purpose, without them I am lost"
has it come to this??
is my identity completely wrapped up in diaper changes, and chores and mundane errands?? Is Erin gone?? Have I completely lost myself??
I don't think I am as spontaneous or as fun and adventurous as I was in my younger years.. I mean I get a thrill from just sleeping in until 9:00... or sleeping at all..
the days of spontaneous mis-adventures is behind me... the excitement of random photoshoots with friends or roadtrips to unknown locations is a thing of the past.. I live in a world of rules and plans, and goals that I feel I lack the confidence of ever achieving...
while on this vacation Ethan (my husband) and I went to the Disney Family museum .. It was quite the museum going experience... it started with the pre-conception of Walt Disney and ended with his death.. and everything in between was remarkable... I couldn't help reading and viewing and listening to sound bites of all his accomplishments, his dreams, his goals, his optimism and seeing his impact on the world and of the industry I dream of being a part of and wanting to cry the whole time..
This man wasn't just a man of many accomplishments and many influences, but he was a positive, charismatic individual who never seemed to lose sight of the importance of little everyday things, like spending time with his kids and loving his wife remarkably.... I couldn't help feeling inferior, unimportant, unaccomplished, and pesimistic in the midst of it all.. I had to take a break halfway through and actually just cry... behind sunglasses.. in the corner of the gallery of the conception of mickey mouse....
What mark was I leaving on the world?
What have I really accomplished?
I am a mother.. but for me that is not enough... that was one of my dreams and goals but it is not all of them and I am wondering if It is too late for me to be and do what I want to...
I know all 2 of you reading this are thinking "it's not too late, don't think like that" but really what if it is??
"I have been looking for media jobs on craigslist and unless I want to show my boobs on webcam for money, there really isn't anything out there for me"- I said to the woman Ethan randomly invited to join tables with us in Japan town along with her husband..
"why don't you do a podcast?" she asked..
"Because nobody wants to listen to how I spent the last half-hour scrubbing banana gunk off the floor"
"you'd be surprised how popular mom-casts and mommy blogging is"
"yea..." I say unenthusiastically...
There was once a time when my dad bought me this stainless steal bracelet that had the words "Infinite Potential" enscribed on it.. he told me it was to remind me that anything was possible, that I could do anything I wanted to, that I could be anything I wanted to be... a week later it snapped in half while I was playing capture the flag in P.E... and I can't help but think "maybe it was a sign"
While I was looking at the model of the concept of Disneyland at the the DFM I was in awe of what became of this man's work.. it started with him doodling in a farm in minnesota and ended with him being one of the biggest animation and production companies in the world.. complete with it's own theme park...
"What's your favorite part of Disneyland?"- the litte boy with a mullet next to me asked
"uh... fantasyland??"
"fantasyland is great.. do you know what is there instead of that pirate ship?" he asked
"no what?"
"That is now thunder mountain.. and that line over there where those little boats used to be is now a smoking only zone"
"you know a lot about Disneyland.. is it your favorite place?"
"yes.. one day I would like to be an imaginEAR"
"well I am sure you will be, definitely try for it" I hear myself say...
and immediately inside my head I heard a little voice yell "HYPOCRITE!"
again the tears welled up in my eyes and I put my sunglasses back on so nobody would notice..
I feel like a bag of wasted potential...
where have my dreams gone?
where have my goals brought me?
what is next??
Who am I?
I am lost.....
I read a lot and study up a lot on the meyers briggs personality test and mine is such that It says I have a lot of inspiration and a lot of drive but if I have "gone bad" I won't accomplish any of those tasks or goals.. and that basically sums up my current situation.
I have photo blog called "Beauty in the Mundane" that I don't keep up on and nobody follows on tumblr.
I am a direct sales consultant for Jamberry nails and business is suffering which is draining my motivation to continue forward
I have a crochet business that fares pretty well in the winter time but my drive to contribute to inventory is slim to null
I have a pinterest blog that I used to post on things I tried on pinterest but I haven't posted for about 100 things I tried from pinterest so that blog is dead.
and I have this blog which is basically me bitching and moaning about first world problems and nobody really reads it.. so it's really just a wasteland that I leave my thoughts.. kinda like the thousands of diaries I have written in over the years...
I need that spark, that drive. a concrete goal, and a large dose of confidence to move forward in life..
I need prayer. Definitely. Always and forever.
well.. I have to go, cook stew for the husband and kids.. best be chopping vegetables now...
tata talk to you later.- Erin.
