No Earthly Sorrow.

I am broken you guys, utterly, completely, tremendously broken right now, but I am also utterly and completely and tremendously filled with hope.

In the last 3 months I have lost three friends who have passed away. In June My friend Alyssa died unexpectedly from complications of pneumonia, in the end of July my friend Maania lost her battle with Thyroid Cancer and most recently on Monday of this week, Sept 4, my dear friend's brother who was such a tremendous presence on this Earth passed quickly and suddenly with an unexpected heart ailment.

Trevor is his name and he was a tremendous man of God, and complete pillar of His strength, the picture of what it meant to be the image of God the Father, He was a Godly husband, Beacon of light, prayer-filled, He epitomized what it meant to be a Godly father to his children, He epitomized what it meant to love people with intention, and he was constantly pushing others to grow closer to God and was in constant pursuit of this himself.

His death shook me, in a lot of ways, Yesterday I woke up and drove to Chico to attend his Celebration of Life. I got there and I held my dear friend Suz, the mother of My dear friend Kendra; the wife of Bryan; the brother of Trevor. WE held each other for a long time.. no words for awhile until she looked at me in the eyes, she pulled my forehead to hers and she said "The enemy will NOT win"

AS we worshipped and praised Jesus thanking Him for His goodness, for His sovereignty for His promise, I wept in the pit of my soul. As I sang "All is well with my soul" while I grieved among so many who loved and will continue to love Trevor I looked up and saw his father Rick... He was smiling, and pacing the audience, he had the Joy of the Lord shining out of his eyes as he looked into the audience and saw all those who loved his son and whom loved Jesus and he couldn't feel much but joy at least for a moment.

This inspired me and broke me in so many ways. Oh to be that close to God, to feel His presence even in the deepest pits of despair... it's Earth shaking, it really is...

I had to leave the service Early because the plan was to get back to Rocklin and get my family and then go straight to Atwater to attend my cousin's wedding but by the time I made it home I was emotionally and physically drained to the point of feeling ill and the clock was against us and I could not make it to the wedding....

I felt as though I had failed at loving everyone adequately. I felt like a failure, the enemy attacked me BIG time in my vulnerability and I let him... I felt I had failed my Kendra and Bryan by not holding them and crying with them and praying with them, I felt I had failed Trevor's parents Gwen and Rick who I also wanted to hold if only for a short while, because I couldn't stay until after the service to visit with them and then I couldn't even make it to the wedding I left the service for in the first place, so I couldn't adequately love and restore the relationships with my cousins and aunts and so many family members on my dad's family whom I haven't visited with our seen for many years... I just felt like I let everyone down...

I was low, very low. When my husband heard why I was upset his only response was that I should have chosen one event to attend. Which yes, that would have been the simple solution, but what he didn't realize was I loved both groups of people so much, and I needed to be there for both, I NEEDED to love on Kendra and Bryan and their families during this time and I needed to love on my cousin Kiera and my family that were there celebrating her and her union with her new husband Christian.. my heart was so torn and my mind was convinced I could do it all. Yes it was going to be about 8 hours of driving all around Northern California, but damnit I was gonna make it work, and at the end of the day I was going to have loved the people I wanted to show love to and I was going to love them hard.

But I didn't make it. and I couldn't understand what God's plan was... I had intentions to love people and I ended up alone, in a pit of sorrow and despair, in a place of shame and brokenness and I honestly got to the point where I contemplated whether it even mattered if I was alive or dead. I broke, completely....

I started to question why I was still alive, here Trevor was, a Godly man a faithful, loyal, strong man of Christ and he was taken from us in a moment, and here I was crumbling, my relationships with my family, husband, children completely crumbling, my life in disarray, my focus not on Jesus as it should be and I just felt like utter scum...

But this was a lie, the enemy was telling me, and I was believing it.

You see, my heart was yearning to grow closer to Christ, my heart was aching to be the Godly woman God intended me to be, I was craving true worship, true fellowship, the ability to love people better with intention, to mirror the things I admired about Trevor and the enemy of our souls was threatened. The enemy that wants to destroy us, who wants us dead... he was threatened by my spirit, by my eagerness to be closer to my creator... and he saw an opportunity to feed me lies, and in my vulnerable state I absorbed them like a sponge.

Last night I wrote to Suz, I asked her to pray for me, to pray for my relationship with God, to pray for my relationship with my husband and my children... I told her I felt so distant from God, and I was broken, utterly broken, and her response was that she felt very loved by me yesterday, she told me I loved her well, and that she believed I was very close to God.

Upon hearing this, I snapped out of my stupor, I was reminded of how she and her daughter Kendra were pinnacle to my relationship with Jesus, that in the beginning it was their holy spirit and the light of the Lord in them that brought me out of darkness and showed me what true relationship with the living God was. and It was their love and obedience to Him that sustained my relationship with the same living God. and although I don't have the community and fellowship that I crave at this stage in my life, I still have the holy spirit stirring in me, drawing me closer to Him every day. And I am NOT alone.

After speaking with Suz I called Ethan into our room, I let it out that I craved closer relationship with Jesus, that I felt we had become distant and distracted with things of this Earth and since our marriage have not focused on the king of kings as we should be. I asked that we seek a home church, I brought Faith into my home again and I patched up what I could with Ethan in that moment and I went to bed with a little flicker of hope in my heart.

This morning my hearts desire was to worship my King. I woke up and hugged my husband and told him I loved him, I went into the living room I turned off my daughter's television program and I put on worship music, I asked my husband to take a break from his video game and we as a family held each other in the living room and I prayed over our family, I thanked Jesus for all He has given us, I thanked Him for being a good God, a sovereign, loving God, I prayed for the Johnson and Floyd Family, I prayed for Trevor's wife Anna and their children, I prayed for Florida and the residents there that are about to be hit with hurricane Irma, I prayed for Texas and those effected by hurricane Harvey, I prayed for refugees of the world, of those effected by fires in our nation right now, of those effected by the hardships of war and terrorism, I prayed and I cried and I prayed and I held my family.

I want to love people with intention, I want to grow closer to God everyday, I want to be a better wife, mother, friend, daughter, relative, I want to love more, I want the light of the Lord to shine through me, so that others may encounter Him and His goodness. Because He is good, and He will bring you through the valley of the Shadow of Death, He will lead you out of darkness, He will Heal what needs to be healed, He will bring peace, and joy to the parts of your life that need it most, we just need to focus on Him and be prayerful all the days of our life. Intentionally prayerful, I am not a failure, Yes I am sad that yesterday I couldn't love the people I wanted to love , the way that I thought I would, But I love them.. and I can pray for them and I can forgive myself and know that I am a work in progress and God has Great plans for me, not to harm me but to give me hope and a future, and He has great plans for those I love, and we may never know what they are but I believe they are great, because I KNOW MY GOD IS GREAT.

Anna, the wife of our beloved Trevor, i'm told has exhibited great strength during this time. She is also a shining example of what it means to have great faith, and a strong sense of hope,  she was also blessed with an incredible artistic gift. When Trevor was alive he had a dream, that he was riding through the kingdom of heaven on the back of a lion, it was leading him to different rooms and it was beautiful and magnificent and so many other things, She drew this vision of him on the back of a lion, and it's breathtaking.. and I know that he is touring the kingdom of God on the back of a lion right now, and he is dancing and singing and praising with his one true love, the King of Kings.

God brings good out of bad, He works all things for good, Trevor's passing although tragic and sudden and devastating has restored my Faith in Jesus somehow, it has shaken me to the point of running towards Him, not away from Him, it has brought me hope, and courage to pursue what I haven't pursued in awhile, and I am just filled with the hope and the grace of Jesus and I am filled with gratitude.

I still grieve our loss, I grieve for Anna and her children, I grieve for his parents Gwen and Rick, I grieve for my dear friend Bryan who lost his brother and I grieve for my dear friend Kendra who has lost her brother in law and friend... But I know that God will somehow bring all of this to good.

I don't know how, but I know that God's plans are great and WE ARE LOVED!

Be blessed this Sunday people.


"There is no sorrow on Earth that Heaven Can't heal"- Crowder band. (Come As You Are)