Infinite Potential

Unlock my love

And set me free

Come fill me up

With ecstasy

Surround my heartbeat

With your fingertips

Unbound my feet

Untie my wrists

Come into my world

Of loneliness

And wickedness

And bitterness

Unlock my love

Isn't it amazing how a song can take you back to a time and place? to a feeling, to the embodiment of your past self, an old chapter, an older soul?

Back in 2007 the above song was an anthem of sorts for me; A prayer my soul was screaming out. It was the year everything in my life changed. That an old version of myself died, and a new one was reborn.. slowly.... and consequently... 

It was devastating and exciting.

Terrifying and Beautiful

 My metamorphosis was about to begin.

" Do you ever know when one chapter of your life is ending and another one is beginning?" I said turning the boy on the love seat  on my left.... He thought for a moment and then with a hint of a smile the words "Yes" leaked from his mouth..

I turned again, now laying on my back, I stared at the ceiling fan stagnant above me, beautiful in it's solitide... The voices and colors, the ambient space I laid in swirled around me like a finger painting, I was the calm in the storm... I was awakening inside myself.. I was coming alive.

"It's happening now" I whispered.

....the shadow of a tear lingering on my cheek.

Sometimes I feel like there is just so much beauty in the world that it's overwhelming to behold. That the mere aesthetic of a stranger lighting a cigarette in the rain, their breath visibly hurried in the wind, can send me spiraling into a state of whimsey..

I can see time stand still, I can see it slow down, I can see colors swirl together, every inch of my vision is a new piece of art,,, and everywhere I look there is a story begging to be told.

My reality is not like everybody else's, although I do know there are others who see things the way I do, I have had windows into my own soul delivered to me by other visionaries before me  that have had aesthetic views that aligned with mine before. And in these moments I weep, deeply.. longingly.

My heart is so full of yearning and desire, there is so much that needs to be shared, to be shown, I need to be free to open the window to my own soul and let others look in.

The first time this fire sparked inside of me, the year was 1995..I was 7 years old... My mother had taken me to see the movie Casper in the movie theaters,.

The majority of the movie didn't stand out too much for me, it was lights, it was sounds, it was appealing in the sense that it did entertain on a simplistic, surface-area-level... 

 Then it happened, around an hour into the movie: 

Christina Ricci's character  Kat is having a dance in her haunted house... Slow music plays; the song "Remember Me This Way" By Jordan Hill is playing as a disco ball glows slightly out of focus and then gradually in focus the Camera pans down from above showing you Kat as she sits arms crossed on a chair while the rest of her guests dance in costume...But then the camera pans back, as you follow a boy down the stairs, You can't see his face but in that moment it is as if you are him..you are taken into the crowd, First it is a sea of legs but then it parts in front of you like the red sea, you approach Kat, her melancholy condition lightens as she sees your face, But what do you look like? the  boy reaches out his hand, and she slowly takes it as she follows him into the crowd her mind racing behind her eyes as she stares at him, The crowd slightly out of focus, they are seemingly the only two people in the room.  they find a place in the crowd, The camera cuts away to reveal Devon Sawa, (a boy objectively attractive to a young girl in the 90s). My heart begins to flutter inside my chest, new emotions begin to awaken inside of me.. Then in one swell swoop he lifts her arms to his shoulders until they find their place gently wrapped around his neck...her stare softens as they look longingly only at each other, deep in each other's eyes. They sway slowly back and forth,  the camera pulls away to reveal that they are floating in thin air... Kat realizes this and becomes startled, she quietly gasps, clinging to him for comfort, and safety. He scoffs, smirking at her, enamored by her, he is finally holding her, something he has seemingly always wanted. " I told you I was a good dancer" he says looking into her eyes.. "Can I keep you?" He whispers, revealing his true identity. "Casper?" She acknowledges with disbelief, she wraps her arms around him as they engage in a close embrace... the crowd backs off slowly as they become the center of everyone's focus.. the camera zooms out You are now watching events unfold from Kat's father's point of view..appearing before him is the spirit of his dead wife, they exchange a few choice words, and she disappears into the realm beyond ours. We are brought back to the dance floor, Casper and Kat are still dancing, beyond the crowd a grandfather clock begins to chime, Casper realizes his time is coming to an end, she sees this in his face. "Casper?" she says with concern, he smirks, now is his only chance, he kisses her and turns back to his ghostly form.

I was speechless for the remainder of the film. Emotions swirling inside me, both new and exciting, a passion beginning to blossom. As we walked out to my mother's car she asked "Did you enjoy the movie?" and I replied.. "I want to make movies that make people feel like that"

I have so much drive, so much passion, so much art, so much beauty, so much vision, so much... that I need to share and give to the world.

When I was in middle school my dad gave me this bracelet with the engraved words "Infinite Potential" sketched into it. He presented it to me telling me what they meant... telling me that I had the potential to do anything I put my heart and mind to, that I had what it took to make any of my dreams come true...

it broke in half two days later...

My dad bought me a replacement one.. and it also met the same fate.

I tried not to think of it as a sign.. that maybe my potential wasn't infinite, and that the irony of the breaking of this physical statement would ring true in my life.... but I think part of me saw the irony in it, and ran with it.

I don't think I have ever been a really confident  person in any aspect of my life.

I was bullied a lot as a child. Belittled by some nameless main players in my life and I think for me, especially as I saw it in the eyes of males or others I was inadequate and always would be, I would never believe that there was potential in me, I could only dwell and live in my short comings and hope for the best of it. 

When I got older and I met some choice people who helped pave my way into the new chapter of self discovery, and love, and metamorphosis, I wanted to expand on my knowledge.

I took the Myers Briggs (MBTI) type test and found out I was an ENFP. "The Campaigner"

among some of my strengths and weaknesses was listed: my inability to commit to things. 

ENFPS are people of many drives and passions and we often bounce around from one thing to another.

I touch on this a bit in my post entitled "Dabbling in Mediocrity" 

Because I can't commit to one passion long enough to make it a reality. I do a lot of things well but I am not GREAT at anything... it's sort of a frustrating way to live when you have a list of goals and dreams and passions a thousand miles long... but in a way, my whole life I have felt I was wired for failure.

I have so much drive, and no direction. No accountability, no wagon to hitch my horse too.. I am going everywhere and nowhere all at once, all the time.

couple this with my anxiety and the fact I can't wrap my mind around my own fear half the time to try and chase my dreams "Everything you want in life is on the other side of fear" and you have me... a caged bird stifled by my immeasurable passion and unfulfilled dreams.

Unsuffer me

Take away the pain

Unbruise, unbloody

Wash away the stain

Anoint my head

With your sweet kiss

My joy is dead

I long for bliss

I long for knowledge

Whispered in my ear

Undo my logic

Undo my fear

Unsuffer me

I may be a new creation but I am still so broken. I am constantly telling my kids and my husband and everyone else never to admit defeat without trying and that is what I have done my whole life. I have dreams I need to chase, I have passions I need to live out and I am caged in by my own sense of self, by my perceived inadequacies, by my anxiety over all things, past, present and future.

  I need to looking at the semi-colon of my existence, I need to know that my story isn't over, that there is a plan, and there always was a plan, just like that ceiling fan incident of 2007, new chapters are always beginning.

  I used to believe if I was in the right place at the right time I would be discovered, that I wouldn't actually have to seek out my passions and dreams but they would find me, wherever I was.

  When I was 15 I went to a city-wide audition for this talent agent seeking new talent. They had worked with people who had gone off to be models or work for the disney channel, and I thought.. this was my chance.. My friend came out to me for the audition, they had rented out the top floor of one of the biggest hotels in hotel circle and we were asked to go on stage and try to sell them something.. I think it was a pencil.. I could be wrong.. I went up there, strutted my way to the front, did a great performance, it had comedy in it I know because everyone was laughing, and I walked off the stage beaming with confidence. That night they said they would call the people who didn't make the cut.. so I went home dreading my life every time the phone rang.. Morning came without a ring which meant I was one of the chosen ones, and I could go back in and meet with one of their agents. I was beaming from every inch of my being.  Once I got there I sat in a room with several other young talents until they called my name and I went back. They said they rated us on an A, B, C scale.. if you got a C they didn't have you come in, if you got a B you could meet with an agent to discuss a future partnership and if you got an A they signed you right away and would have even taken you from the audition straight away in the limo that was parked outside.... all of this was bogus of course because it was all a ruse to get all young potential talents in there to pay their agents for "classes" and who knows what else for the chance to "make it big" some day... They said my score was a B+ that I was close to an A but that my skin breaking out (I was 15) was what deducted my points... they had me roped.. I would have done anything/ paid anything to join them right then.. they made it feel like I was so close... but really I was so far away.

After that my mom hired a photographer to take head shots and body shots for me, we subscribed to the casting newsletter for the San Diego, Los Angeles area, we planned on multiplying and dispersing my headshot to casting directors. We went to Barnes and Noble and bought "Breaking into Hollywood" for dummies... but in the end didn't follow through on anything because my mom couldn't afford to produce the head shots and neither of my parents could quit their day job to take me to casting calls, nor did either of them want me dropping out of high school to chase a (seemingly fleeting possibly impossible) dream...

The next year in high school I auditioned for a musical rendition of Shakespeares' "A Midsummer's Nights Dream" and didn't get it, much to my distress.... I tried not to let my dad know how much it bothered me, But he could see right through me.. he said "You tried your hardest".... and later on he signed me up for a musical theater troupe headed by the same acting mentor that Nicolas Cage and Sophia Coppola had... I did a couple musical productions, Annie, The Music Man, The Secret Garden... but that was it for my high school career..

Meanwhile my passion for film was still alive and well inside me, so at school I signed on to be a teacher's Aide in  a film editing class my high school offered, I also signed on for  a 7th period, filming, editing and producing our school's media broadcasted newsletter, I was "Erin From Morning Round up" . I was in front of the screen and behind the screen and I loved every moment of it. My Junior year of high school I even joined a Youth and Government program at our local YMCA. In my delegation I was the position of Media Broadcaster, Which meant I got to be a Journalist, I got to come up with news stories and film them, write scripts, edit them, and they would play on the local faux new's station when we took over the capital that February. Every drive I had went into being in front or behind a Camera... that's where my desire runs the deepest.. (aside from my desire for People which is ultimately the greatest non-hobby passion I have)

 When I got accepted into Chico State I signed up to be  Journalism major in hopes of breaking into broadcasting, and I wanted to double major in Theater... After my Freshman year and after meeting with my school counselor I discovered that the best of both worlds laid in the "Communications Design" Department in the sub division; "Media Arts". 

  For the next 3 years I studied Media Aesthetics, Script Writing, Story Boarding. I learned how to work and produce in a studio setting or on the field, I used editing software like Final Cut Pro to create commercials, Music Videos, Faux Documentaries, I learned how to film B-Roll, I interned at the Local News Station where I also edited B-Roll, and shot teasers. On the side I wrote, directed and produced a music video of sorts that came to me in a vision at the San Francisco Airport while I was listening to my headphones... I entered it in the DFG SMASH AWARDS in 2008 and won best Cinematography for it... I was on top of my goals, I was riding my dreams to the finish line and then... in a poor moment of judgement, I became pregnant, by a boy I hardly even knew, and just like that... My dreams were on hold.

 I finished out my degree, I took all the classes, finished all my projects, met my husband,  Graduated in 2011 with a Bachelors of Arts Degree in Communications Desgin; Media Arts, Got married the Summer of 2012 and followed my husband back to San Diego. 

For awhile I just did the mom thing, until I found out my church had a theater group so I did some musicals/and theater productions with them. And occasionally I would edit some footage for a baptism or something for my church... but my toes weren't really in the water...

When my husband's job brought us up North, the only way I didn't do anything in the film arena for a couple years... until I decided I was going to be a vegan and Cruelty-Free Beauty Blogger, and occasionally I would film and edit product reviews.. But the passion and drive for that blog also met it's fate so alasI have been out of touch with my passion for awhile..

I've become stagnant, each passing year I get older, each passing year my Degree becomes more redundant, The technology changes, the industry deepens, and I am left on the outside looking in... knowing there is this world of aesthetics and storytelling and beauty and knowing that I am not a part of it, even though every inch of my being longs for this union. 

This last year is the last year of my 20s... And I am no closer to accomplishing my dreams as I was 22 years ago when the passion first struck me, but at least I know this passion has been consistent.

I have to believe that God has a plan for me, that He wouldn't equip me with this passion and not offer a door of opportunity... that I will accomplish my dreams and goals for myself, that my story is not over yet. And I am still young.

I have accomplished everything in life so far that I have set out to do. I earned my cat in the second grade which required me to be good 40 out of the last 50 days of school.. a task my dad maybe even himself didn't think I could accomplish, but I did. I graduated high school, got into college, finished college despite the setback of an unplanned pregnancy and I met and Married the man I love and now I live a cozy suburban housewife life and have a family with him. Together we own a house.. (which let's face it, he earned with his income.. but still) I am not riddled with Failure.. and I need to stop living like I am.

Every Chapter of my life, every new season has something new to offer in the way of my passions, or of my being in general.. and I need to embrace each season I am in and know that God has a plan for me. It's like I always say to others and now I need to say it to myself.. "Bloom Wherever You are Planted"

I do have infinite Potential.

And I will grab my dreams by the wings and fly with them.

My story is not over.