The times are a changin...

So.. it's been awhile since I wrote last, and a lot has changed.. A lot being the understatement of the year.

For one thing.. in the last entry, I was undergoing some major heartache... and suffering from identity loss due to that.. however ironically enough I didn't lose my identity I just felt lost.. because as I learned later and again at an even later time... is that my identity is not found in people or things on this Earth but in Jesus Christ alone...

Fast forward 19 months and I met the boy whom would be my boyfriend for 9 months. Fast forward 2 months after we broke up to the time when I gave birth to his daughter after he moved to Massachusetts last minute because as he explained it to me "his life was in shambles" which translated to he was young and scared and couldn't handle the given situation.. but as he explained to everyone else... it was because I was "mean to him" and "didn't want him to be part of her life" these two statements were lies he believed at the time.. but for awhile because of the way people treated me based on hearing these things I was upset because I thought my identity was now being defined in these false statements about me...

so I needed a reality check, I checked with my father who would straight up tell me if those statements are true (because he doesn't sugar coat anything..) and he told me I was just the normal dose of hormonal during the pregnancy.. but not what you would define as "mean"

and when I took a moment to step back and take a breath of air and calm my hurting heart down, I saw... that there was nothing I could've done to make him stay.
I was not the reason for his departure. I did not ruin his life. I fell one night with him and conceived a child in that moment and decided from then on I was keeping that child, because I was made by the Lord to be a mother... (my maternal instinct is the strongest thing in my body), I broke up with him because I could not love him the way he deserved because I was never in fact IN LOVE with him, although I begged and pleaded with God to be at some point.. but my heart never changed... and because of a lot of messy, not so lovely stories and accusations that took place in our relationship I was hurting a lot and did not feel comfortable around him...and therefore was tense in general. but I was not intentionally mean to him...

his decisions were his own. He decided to "fall" with me, he decided he couldn't handle it, he decided he needed to move back in with his parents in massachusetts and he decided to stay there... those were his choices and the consequences of those decisions on his half are HIS... so I can't do anything about that.

The last time I can remember being intentionally mean to someone was in the sixth grade when I told this girl she was fat because I thought it would score me "cool points" but immediately when I said it my heart felt sick and I chased her around the school begging her to forgive me... pleading with her.. telling her how sorry I was... and ever since then i've been a gentle spirit towards others... this is how God made me.

He also made me sarcastic, which could be misconstrued as mean if you don't understand that I am actually just trying to me humorous and loving.. in my own special way.

anyway..

Flash forward four months later and I have a beautiful little girl named Katarina Vera.. Vera being the name of my Grandmother who passed away in October of '07... and Katarina being the name of the shrew in William Shakespeare's "Taming of the Shrew" (only spelled differently.. which happens to be the same spelling of a russian olympic figure skater...)

She is the light and the love of my life... some things are challenging being a single mom.. but most things are enjoyable.. it's a journey, and I am blessed to be on it.. even though at some points... I feel lost... I know that God never leaves me side.

He never has and He never will.

I live in my Own apartment right now.. I moved in a little less than a week ago... I feel so domestic! I invited friends over and made them enchiladas and we played boardgames til one a.m

for awhile there my relationships with all the guys in my life were shady, because none of them knew how to act around me after my daughter's father ran away... but my relationships with them are getting better, and I am glad.

My life is sort of piecing itself back together bit by bit after what seemed like a chapter of my life where a nuclear bomb went off.

Speaking of (and don't ask how this reminded me of this)
But I started watching the Show LOST on hulu about a month ago and I am completely caught up and it's amazing.

I am currently on foodstamps, and medi-cal because my liquid resources are very slim and the government sorta helps single moms financially in these areas when needed and the result is that my fridge and freezer and cupboards are filled to the brim with food, and it makes me so glad that I want to eat ALL THE TIME!

I may have an unhealthy addiction to string cheese and Capri Suns..
....looking into that.

I also have a gym membership at inmotion here in town and it has a daycare where I can drop Katarina off two hours a day... so I can get a little "me time" in when needed...

I take a hot yoga class there... and I have also taken weight lifting, step, Flex appeal, and a kickboxing class there...

other times I just swim laps, and use the excercise machines to tone abs, or go on a stationary bike for 20 minutes..

getting in shape feels good and is great for the endorphines.... (which is good for someone with me with dysthymia and low seratonin levels...)

Depression is no good when you've got a babez to take care of....

today was my friend Shane's birthday and so i bought him this cake shaped like a bunny at safeway.... it was all they had so I asked if they could give me a figurine that would make it look masculine and all the had was this bulky spider man with suction cup hands that looked like he was scaling a wall.. and so I put it on the bunny's back to make it look like Spider man was riding the bunny... It's a good thing Shane has this exact type of sense of humor.
In fact kendra said something along the lines of it was shane in cake form.. LOL

Right now I am taking a major vow of purity... I am in the market for a purity ring and I have a mantra written above my bathroom sink that I read everyday that talks about how I am only to be experienced by God until in Marriage I am washed over and can ONLY be experienced by my husband and it makes my heart glad...

I felt for awhile that the world viewed me as so unpure because I fell and had a daughter.. but the truth of that situation as I stated was that my boyfriend at the time and I mutually fell together and God created something beautiful out of that sinful act and it was my innocent and pure and beautiful little girl.. whom God knew before he even planted in my womb...

and someday some man isn't gonna care that I fell and had a baby with someone else.. he is going to love me for me, for all that I am, for all that God created me to be,.. Flaws and all and he is going to marry me.. and Love my daughter.. and I will have a complete family... until then I am concentrating on my relationship with God... although I do have some interesting prospects _0.0_

anyway, I know there are a lot more things to fill you in on, but I got the major things out of the way... I will keep you posted hopefully..
ttfn ta ta for now.
and GOD BLESS!