one of the wisest things my mother ever said to me was "Erin.. you never want to admit you're in love.. because you never want to be wrong" she was talking specifically to me about me.. and I didn't even know how right she was... almost 5 years later I am beginning to see how right she was.
right now I feel like I am swimming in emotions..and I can't for the life of me find dry land...
I wish I could be more specific than this..but even with me (believe it or not) certain states of vulnerability are too personal to share.. maybe I should pay a visit to my written journal then.. to write myself epiphanies in circles...
I can look at every male relationship I have in my life right now (unrelated to me of course) and think of them in terms of marriage... is that sick? I think that's sick.. (and not the "cool" sick)... something is seriously wrong with me
I have always gotten along better with males.. I think it's because I have always been such a daddy's girl and my father has always been so open and honest with me about everything.. he has given me life bluntly.. toughened me up to the realities of the world.. awoken me from my fantasies... taught me not to expect too much.. gave me great advice when it comes to the opposite gender and in all of this has been my best friend..
I can be myself around guys, I can be honest and open, rarely insecure... of course all of this is a recent development but still...
In this chapter of my life I have never felt so free and joyful and hopeful and wonderful.. I have begun to accept my circumstances the way the are and accept that they wont always be this way..and the optimism in me is seeing them get better...
Being a single mom isn't ideal and subconsciously and sometimes consciously I have omitted that desire to one day be married...
I have accepted who I am.. and feel that maybe one day someone else will accept it all the same..
I know about all the sacrifice and compromise a relationship requires... I know that I have the potential to fall in love.. and that there's the possibility that someone might love me in return.. but when this happens how will I know?
I am so terrified of being wrong.
I almost want to never get married.. to never commit to anything or anyone.. because I am afraid of failure.
not so much that they will hurt me, but more so that I will hurt them..
being the emotional face of God that I am... I am all over the map constantly I can't put a finger on how I feel why I feel it I can't trust that I will always feel something, I can't trust my heart or my thoughts.. I fluctuate so much, I tolerate so little. my standards are so high and yet.. they aren't...
I long to be loved, and I long to love, but I am terrified of all of it.
I have loved and I have lost.. meaning I have loved without reciprocation and I have been loved without the ability to reciprocate and both were excruciatingly painful.. almost intolerable.. especially the latter...
if I had to choose which of the two I would predict to be the most prominent in my life it would be the latter...
I don't know if I have ever been in love.. and I wouldn't know if I were in love.. because i would always give it another name and justify my actions accordingly..
I am difficult, I am stubborn.. not just to others but to myself..
I don't know how to trust myself..
I can pray and lean on God..
and trust him...
but it's so difficult..
because his holy spirit resides in me.. and I am difficult..
it says that love never fails..
I am believing that.. I am trying to at least...
how can someone long for something and yet run from it constantly.. pretty soon I will run out of chances... and when I end up an old maid what am I going to feel? success? remorse?
both?
that stupid expression "don't let the fear of striking out keep you from the game" just hopped into my head...
well this game better have extra innings because I am going to chew on this for a long time...(and I am not talking about tobacco)
ah.. analogies.. so brilliant.
but really...
Lord be with me. Amen.
1 comment:
WOW! You are so full of thoughts and emotions. I love that you are emotional and real in the face of God. I am proud of you and your declarations of your heart, and how the Spirit feels within you.
I hope you feel peace with all of these feelings and emotions! Or that something like the "dry land" that you search is around the corner. Hmm.. I will be in prayer with you and really listening for God's word to speak truth to me so that maybe, I can speak it to you! :)
Fun to be in fellowship <3
Blessings, Erin!
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