Dry Land

All of you eyes out there and inquiring minds have probably noticed the latest and newest development in my life, my newly changed relationship status...

I want to dive into that a little bit and allow those of you who haven't been around me for the last 3 months or so to see how this may have occurred...

I know several people are afraid for me out there, a lot of you are unsure about whether or not I am guarding my heart or not, but I want you all to know that God is in this and that you can trust that I am holding him as the center of every move I make in my life... and God's love never fails...

Awhile ago I blogged about this trip I went on to Alta California, where I stated that God "put me in a cabin with a bunch of boys and let me heal"... well... one of those boys was my NOW boyfriend.. Ethan...

Funny thing is.. he completely snuck up on me... which is how my family tells me.. it's suppose to happen...

I wasn't at a point in my life where I was pursuing anything or anyone.. I was perfectly content with who I was, where I was, and I knew God had someone for me but I wasn't anxious (contrary to popular belief)

You see, for a short time span there I thought "I have a baby I need to settle down" and I blogged a lot during that time.. leading the interwebbed world to believe I was "ANXIOUS ANXIOUS ANXIOUS NOW NOW NOW" when the truth is.. it was only a short time span and after God healed me in that cabin I was not in pursuit of matters of the heart because I trusted God in what He was doing in my life.. in fact I became confident in most areas of my life and this confidence somehow awakened the interest of several (nameless) men in my life....

at one point I had far more than one male in romantic pursuit of me, and during that time I had a flurry of emotions... I didn't know how to go about my days.. I didn't want to be in a relationship that was romantic, I didn't see how I could pursue any kind of relationship with these several men, and I didn't want to lose their friendships...

during this time I wrote the blog "In search of Dry Land".. because I was swimming in emotions and thought I was going to drown in them...

during this time of my life I sort of clung to a blooming friendship with the boy Ethan I met in Alta... He was reserved, he kept to himself and he needed a little more pursuading to hang out than the other boys I met in Alta.. but for some reason my subconscious and at times my conscious always wanted him there...

Pretty soon he didn't need anymore convincing, in fact it gradually became that I was spending most of my time with him, and he in more than one way became my best friend...

We became "attached at the hip" as our mutual friend Alex has been quoted saying.. We did everything together...It was like that feeling you have with your girlfriends (this is for the girls out there) where you go to a sleepover and you girl talk until all hours of the morning, and time never seems to go by, and the conversation never runs dry... that was how my time with Ethan was... and a spark lit inside of me.. but I chose to ignore it for some time...

And then he went away to a conference for a weekend... and the morning he left I woke up and something hurt inside of me... and the spark I had lit turned into a flame and I realized.. my feelings were deeper than I chose to acknowledge and the ache I felt in his absence sucked...

When he came back we were even closer... we began to cuddle whenever we were places together watching movies, we went on more dates with just the two of us...during that time he went to his hometown and my heart grew fonder while he was gone, and then I went to my hometown for a week and a half and my heart grew extremely fonder during that time as well... and so as it would appear.. his did too...

I constantly clung to my cell phone in hopes of getting any kind of text from him, and everytime I did.. my heart would race and I would get butterflies...

(I know you all just vomited in your mouth a little bit)

However, this is how someone is supposed to make you feel...

and it just went to show me that when things aren't pursued.. they find you...

and sometimes happiness is buried in an area of your life where you would least expect it...

With all of my brewing emotions for him I knew we had to talk about what it was that we were doing... we needed to establish something.. parameters.. boundaries.. a status even...

So when I got back to Chico, we initiated that talk... and established that we both longed to be together.. so it became official...

We didn't take that decision lightly, and we didn't rush into anything...

Awhile back I wrote a superficial list of who I wanted the man I was supposed to be with to be...

I wrote this in a very pragmatic state of mind, so I in no way planned for the man I wanted to meet all that criteria.. a lot of it was disposable anyway...

but to sum it all up, I think what anyone should look for in a partner is someone they could safely say is also their best friend..

and I have found that..

And to close I would like to add what Ethan said the day he made me his girlfriend..

"I pray God smiles on what we have"

God be with you, my loyal readers.

Amen.

Addicted to Love.

So.. I did it again.. I used up all the hot water in the house in hopes that in lengthening my shower all my skin might just magically wash off.. and I would be transformed..

I do this on days where I need Jesus to Remind me how beautiful I am.. because vanity has overtaken me..

Well.. that being said.. today seemed really spiritually unhealthy...

I hung out with my mother, who isn't a believer and just being around her for too long can make me depressed...

the dichotomy of my life with Christ vs. hers collided with immense force today and I reached the epiphany that my mother.. really really needs some kind of intervention.

I love her to pieces and I want the best for her... I just wish she did too.

She made a couple comments today that started up the vanity train... like she would say things like "I hope your daughter doesn't get your skin" or "your thighs are bigger than mine, I think I am skinnier than you"

and for the rest of the day the image I had of myself was an imperfectly complected thigh beast.

As I sat in the shower draining out all of the hot water I peeled my nail polish off each of my toes.. one by one.. the paint job that I was so proud of.. that made my feet seem so fun and festive.. is now down the drain.. each nail I peeled off.. I felt worse and worse about myself...

each product I put on my body.. soap.. shampoo.. only made me feel more weighted and uglier...

I thought to myself.. "I will go to the store and by a beauty product that will make me feel for beautiful" and then that thought was quickly followed with "There are very few things I haven't already purchased to make me feel 'beautiful' "

I almost feel like giving up.. not even trying.. underneath all the product and clothes and make-up I feel like I am the creature from the crypt... and I am just gonna let it all hang out.. and if someone is attracted to me eventually.. well.. yay for them..

*sigh*

Like I said it's days like today when I need Jesus to remind me how beautiful He thinks I am..

I wish we didn't live in a society that put such strain on these things..

GEESH..

even though I am not of this world...

but hey...

one cool thing my mom did say was

"you don't have an addictive personality.. the only thing you've ever been addicted to is love"

which.. kinda took me a back..

I needed to chew on that

I think I still do..

because.. what is love?

and what experience has my mom had with me and this so called addiction?

well.. there was my best friend in highschool whom I was "in love" with.. who dated a girl who stole my credit card and convinced him and my other friends to spend it behind my back...

or.. there was my best friend in College.. whom I thought I was in "love" with because he taught me how to trust and let down my guard and let people in, and convinced me that this kind of intimacy was beautiful and when I finally let all of my guard down and let him in to see everything that consisted of me... he concluded that I wasn't really interesting and that he didn't want me in his life...

that was a doozy.

Or there were those times where people were in "love" with me...

like my best friends little brother.. who in turn got beaten by his dad for proclaiming his "love" for me...

or the guy I dated just out of highschool for like two weeks.. who thought he was in "love" with me and proclaimed his undying love for me the following 3 years...

or how about the boy who loved me and worshiped me like the sun, because I was all he knew once he left his parents' house and they moved across the nation.. and I became his mother, social resource, girlfriend and lover.. and had his baby and then he moved across the nation last minute claiming to want nothing to do with it..

so really what is love?

and where is my addiction?

where does it lie?

because I have loved, and I have been loved... but have I been in love?

Being in love would require two parties to mutually love one another...

this.. has not been witnessed in my life.. or in my limited experience.. so I can safely claim that I Erin Barkley Have NEVER been in love.

I was talking with a friend of mine last night about our mutual insecurities in relationships... that whole unknown side of things that you never seem to get the full picture of; like.. where the other person is page wise when it comes to emotions...

and can someone fully love you? and think you are worthy? in the complete package you bring?

because I know myself, and I know my baggage... and I have good days and bad days.. and days where the sun is so far from flying up my ass that all around me is darkness.... and who will stand by me on these days? who will be there for me?

Who has enough grace and mercy to love me in all of this? When things are difficult who will fight through them with me?

I don't know if I can trust anyone to love me that much..

But that in there is evidence of like a billion areas of my life that I need healing.

My mother told me today that I would be alone forever because I don't cuddle..

I have an issue with touch...

Well maybe it's because every person who has touched me in the past has in someway or another stolen something from me.. from my temple...

from my soul....

from my spirit...

from my body..

from my heart....

touching without your whole hearts in it.. and the way it is intended to be..can leave you feel empty... violated.. raped of beauty... the beauty that was intended of it...

and even though I have proclaimed purity again and even purchased a purity ring my dad still likes to remind me that "it's too late" and "that ship has already sailed"... if only he could understand...

if only in my own family somewhere.. my morals could be shared...

(wow so there is a lot here and I don't expect any of you to understand.. but I am just gonna keep on blabbing... why? because this is my blog)

but anyway.. I am gonna let the thoughts I just typed down in a vent-like fashion digest.. and I am going to go to bed..

Lord be with me.. I need you now. Amen.