Addicted to Love.

So.. I did it again.. I used up all the hot water in the house in hopes that in lengthening my shower all my skin might just magically wash off.. and I would be transformed..

I do this on days where I need Jesus to Remind me how beautiful I am.. because vanity has overtaken me..

Well.. that being said.. today seemed really spiritually unhealthy...

I hung out with my mother, who isn't a believer and just being around her for too long can make me depressed...

the dichotomy of my life with Christ vs. hers collided with immense force today and I reached the epiphany that my mother.. really really needs some kind of intervention.

I love her to pieces and I want the best for her... I just wish she did too.

She made a couple comments today that started up the vanity train... like she would say things like "I hope your daughter doesn't get your skin" or "your thighs are bigger than mine, I think I am skinnier than you"

and for the rest of the day the image I had of myself was an imperfectly complected thigh beast.

As I sat in the shower draining out all of the hot water I peeled my nail polish off each of my toes.. one by one.. the paint job that I was so proud of.. that made my feet seem so fun and festive.. is now down the drain.. each nail I peeled off.. I felt worse and worse about myself...

each product I put on my body.. soap.. shampoo.. only made me feel more weighted and uglier...

I thought to myself.. "I will go to the store and by a beauty product that will make me feel for beautiful" and then that thought was quickly followed with "There are very few things I haven't already purchased to make me feel 'beautiful' "

I almost feel like giving up.. not even trying.. underneath all the product and clothes and make-up I feel like I am the creature from the crypt... and I am just gonna let it all hang out.. and if someone is attracted to me eventually.. well.. yay for them..

*sigh*

Like I said it's days like today when I need Jesus to remind me how beautiful He thinks I am..

I wish we didn't live in a society that put such strain on these things..

GEESH..

even though I am not of this world...

but hey...

one cool thing my mom did say was

"you don't have an addictive personality.. the only thing you've ever been addicted to is love"

which.. kinda took me a back..

I needed to chew on that

I think I still do..

because.. what is love?

and what experience has my mom had with me and this so called addiction?

well.. there was my best friend in highschool whom I was "in love" with.. who dated a girl who stole my credit card and convinced him and my other friends to spend it behind my back...

or.. there was my best friend in College.. whom I thought I was in "love" with because he taught me how to trust and let down my guard and let people in, and convinced me that this kind of intimacy was beautiful and when I finally let all of my guard down and let him in to see everything that consisted of me... he concluded that I wasn't really interesting and that he didn't want me in his life...

that was a doozy.

Or there were those times where people were in "love" with me...

like my best friends little brother.. who in turn got beaten by his dad for proclaiming his "love" for me...

or the guy I dated just out of highschool for like two weeks.. who thought he was in "love" with me and proclaimed his undying love for me the following 3 years...

or how about the boy who loved me and worshiped me like the sun, because I was all he knew once he left his parents' house and they moved across the nation.. and I became his mother, social resource, girlfriend and lover.. and had his baby and then he moved across the nation last minute claiming to want nothing to do with it..

so really what is love?

and where is my addiction?

where does it lie?

because I have loved, and I have been loved... but have I been in love?

Being in love would require two parties to mutually love one another...

this.. has not been witnessed in my life.. or in my limited experience.. so I can safely claim that I Erin Barkley Have NEVER been in love.

I was talking with a friend of mine last night about our mutual insecurities in relationships... that whole unknown side of things that you never seem to get the full picture of; like.. where the other person is page wise when it comes to emotions...

and can someone fully love you? and think you are worthy? in the complete package you bring?

because I know myself, and I know my baggage... and I have good days and bad days.. and days where the sun is so far from flying up my ass that all around me is darkness.... and who will stand by me on these days? who will be there for me?

Who has enough grace and mercy to love me in all of this? When things are difficult who will fight through them with me?

I don't know if I can trust anyone to love me that much..

But that in there is evidence of like a billion areas of my life that I need healing.

My mother told me today that I would be alone forever because I don't cuddle..

I have an issue with touch...

Well maybe it's because every person who has touched me in the past has in someway or another stolen something from me.. from my temple...

from my soul....

from my spirit...

from my body..

from my heart....

touching without your whole hearts in it.. and the way it is intended to be..can leave you feel empty... violated.. raped of beauty... the beauty that was intended of it...

and even though I have proclaimed purity again and even purchased a purity ring my dad still likes to remind me that "it's too late" and "that ship has already sailed"... if only he could understand...

if only in my own family somewhere.. my morals could be shared...

(wow so there is a lot here and I don't expect any of you to understand.. but I am just gonna keep on blabbing... why? because this is my blog)

but anyway.. I am gonna let the thoughts I just typed down in a vent-like fashion digest.. and I am going to go to bed..

Lord be with me.. I need you now. Amen.