The dark side of the moon

as Marilyn Monroe quoted..."I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." This is applicable in so many ways in my life.. but it opens up a door to another question.. are expectations synonymous with wishful thinking?

I always preach not to expect anything from anyone or anything, because if they meet your expectations they are only meeting your expectations and if they don't meet your expectations they don't.. so it's technically a lose lose situation..

and my dad always preaches not to get to excited about something because then you don't fall so hard when you're let down..

I feel like both of these words of the wise are something I strive for but do not achieve.

I have dysthymia.. which means.. I have low serotonin levels and sometimes and some days the sun isn't shining up my a$$... and it's on those days that I reach to people and with my true colors shining, my flaws, my imperfections.. I am able to read out their character? Are they of strong character? a good heart? do they run the minute things seem difficult? Are they one of those people that looks for a simple fix and when they can't find are frustrated and run away? Or can they just BE with me...

I have my father on one hand telling me not to reach to people because he thinks I use the world as my therapist, and to some people in highschool I was labled a "pity whore" because nobody knew my disposition (including myself) and my needs were so great to be accepted and loved by people in all that I was, that it hurt.. it truly hurt....

I have my pastor on the other hand preaching that community is the solution to every woe, since God created us for community and I have my own advice that ties in with this where I have seen that isolation is the garden of the enemy so on days like today being alone is the worst option..

but where does this leave me?

I would like to believe that people cared enough, not to care that you need help, even if they can't solve what's wrong they can aide the ailment just by being caring, or a distraction, or by even just BEING THERE for me..

I would like to hope that someone out there can think all of this is worth it.. my imperfections, my flaws, my disposition.. that they could love me despite my low serotonin days... that they could still find my raw emotion, the truth of who I am beautiful..

whenever I find someone I care about I hope for these things out of them.. is this expecting too much? Is this me, being a hypocrite and being let down by my own expectations because everyone is as broken and as fallible as myself?

I don't know where I am right now, I am scared, and Lost, and jilted

and I don't know who I can turn to or not.. and so I am reverting to blogging.

welp.. this accomplished nothing.. typical.