The headline of my blog is "The Truth of Being Human; Being Beautifully Broken"
Oh how that rings true..every day...
I am so broken.
I don't think anyone can really understand or see their own brokenness until they really come into relationship with the one being who is whole, who is working to make you whole everyday. Jesus Christ.
Yes this a blog about my love for my Lord. If you want to understand why I believe the way I do... continue to read.. if you don't, then X out of this screen... nobody has a gun to your head.
Lately all of my blog entries have been melancholy ones.. more than that they've been downright whiney. Honest. But whiney nonetheless.. an "Oh whoa is me" mentality has been resonating with me as of late and here is the reality of it.
I am suffering from depression.
Depression is a very real thing.
It cannot be described in it's entirety
It cannot be understood fully.
but it is a real real thing...
Some people have described it as being homesick for a place you've never been before.
Others describe it as a darkness; a pit.
and the truth is...it's paralyzing, it's crippling, it shows no mercy.
My serotonin levels are low.. it's a chemical in my brain I have no control over and it's hereditary.. on both sides of my family there have been cases of depressive disorders. Bi-polar, schitzophrenia, the whole nine yards.. My flavor of depression is called Dysthymia.. and somedays I let it define me.
NO MORE.
When God created me he didn't create me to suffer. He didn't create me to battle things alone. WE are never alone. He is always with us and with the business of life and the many distractions this world (that is also VERY broken) offers.. we forget that simple fact.. He is ALWAYS with us.
On top of my normal dysthymia I have been suffering from some Postpartum depression.. It started almost immediately after I gave birth to my son... After the initial euphoria of bringing him into the world and sharing him with the world died down it stabbed me like a knife in the heart. Part of it was my hormones adjusting, part of it was realizing I would never carry a baby in my body again, never give birth again, never have another baby by way of procreation with my husband... and part of it was caused by something that cannot be pinpointed.
But I have been in a very very dark place.
Somedays I have thought of hurting myself. Somedays I think I could hurt others.
My patience is hanging by a thread daily. There is very little grace in my broken heart.
"I am tired of my graceless heart, I am gonna tear it out and then re-start, .....I like to keep my issues drawn, it is always darkest before the dawn"-Florence and The Machine "shake it off"
As I mentioned in my previous post I am turning a new leaf. Because it is never too late to seek change.. and the place I can get healing and change is through my Lord and Savior.
The above Meme can also be true for healing the heart. My Lord can heal me... I have been spending too much time distracted.. spending time with things of this world.. tasks, earthly desires.. you name it and I have fallen away from the girl who was onfire for Jesus just a few years ago.. Maybe it was getting married, or getting sick, being pregnant, battling hormones, Juggling a family of four, being homesick, missing my friends.. the excuses can go on and on but the truth remains:
Today my husband came home and I was sorta sharing with him how I can't really take any moments to myself, I hadn't changed my clothes or showered in a couple days.. (the sacrifices a mother makes for her children are endless.. ) So he offered to watch the kids so I could take a bath.
That simple favor made the biggest difference.
Those moments by myself allowed me to reflect on myself, on my soul and spend a few quiet moments with my creator. I started to talk to God... I remembered singing a song my first time leading worship at the prayer house in Chico California "I Am Yours" by Misty Edwards (video at top of blog entry).. I confessed that when I was singing it originally I wasn't singing it fully to God. I was pretending to, but at the moment I was singing it I was actually focusing my attention on a boy in the audience.. I was putting up a front "Is he attracted to my heart for God" "Does he like how I am singing to God?" Ironic because in thinking these things I wasn't singing to/for God.. but in that moment singing for that other human... In my bath I began to cry as I confessed and apologized to God for not singing to Him in that moment.. for not fully opening my heart, mind, soul, body to Him the only one who deserves ALL of me... I began to pray that today I am making the same mistake in my everyday living. Living and focusing on earthly things and not on Godly things... and my brokenness is definitely more prominent because of it.
I prayed that I am broken, I prayed that I am sorry, I prayed for wholeness, for peace.
Just then Peace came over me and I realized It was not too late. That any moment you want to seek God to get closer to Him is always the right moment, the opportune moment to seek change, peace, the Joy of the Lord.. it is always offered to you and He is always there with open arms.
I began to reminisce about moments where His prescence was fully known. There is this image that has kept flashing into my mind of a time at the Prayer House in Chico where everyone was praying and singing and this cloud of peace over came everyone and we all just got up and started dancing.. I remember my mind just shutting off.. It was a sort of trance that I was in communion with God.. I felt like I was floating.. and all I could do was smile, laugh, sing, and and dance.. and in that moment I was doing it for nobody but Him.. I wish I could bottle up and share this emotion with the world because it was incredible and my descriiption of it is not doing any justice. It was what I guess people would call an "out of body" experience and I miss that.
I miss being on fire for the Lord. For just submitting to Him. Giving Him all of me. Spending time with Him. Hearing Him. Believing in Him. Trusting Him fully.
My experiences with Him are very real. Not things of fiction.
If you knew the person I used to be and know the person I am today you too should know that God must be Incredibly real to bring me to point A to point B.. I wasn't seeking God originally the way people say is the reason people need God.. that is to say I didn't think I needed God to save me. I didn't go chasing Him because I was unhappy with the way I was living.. He found me He was constantly pursuing me and only in my truly broken bottom of the floor state did I acknowledge and see this and welcome Him (see the entry "What Now" for the full story)
About a month after I remarkably accepted Jesus as my true Lord and Savior things kept happening to me that kept reminding me how very real and present God was. and ALWAYS was... even when I didn't believe.
I went to this church with my friends (let's call them M, N and B) in a neighboring town called The Father's House. I can't remember why we decided to road trip to that church that day but as I would find out later I was MEANT to be there...
I thought I was pretty broken with my past of drug use, sexual sin, alcoholism on occasion.. but the people in this congregation were REALLY broken people... Drug Lords, Prostitutes.. you name it.. all of them were there.. weeping, seeking, throwing themselves at the altar (literally).. collapsing on the altar.. people crowding the stage where people were leading worship trying to physically get closer to the Lord... the power of this made me weak in the knees and I almost fell down.. at one point I was standing in this spiritual mosh pit of people and this woman whom i've never met for started swimming through the sea of people towards me.. she laid her hand on me and warmth swept through me.. head to toe.. she started speaking into my ear.. things she said God told her about me.. Things nobody could've possibly known about me unless they had lived inside my soul... I started bawling and my legs gave out under me.. I was overcome with the Glory of God in that moment and if my friend 'B' hadn't caught me I would of went crashing to the ground under the power of it all.
My first few years in Christ were riddled with moments like this. Divine moments. Things you can't really explain. Other than to say.. it was God. It was Jesus. It was Him..
It wasn't always highs though it was also lows.. because just like the power and glory and mightiness of the Lord is real.. so is His counterpart... So is the enemy.. and his army of darkness.. seeking, destroying anything that is getting close to the creator.
The enemy wants you dead. Satan wants you dead.
I had moments of intense spiritual attack. Every time I grew closer in God the attacks would get darker.... more intense... there was one night I was possessed by a Demon.. I laid down in the middle of the street hoping to get run over and die... If it wasn't for the sacrificial love of my friends who laid down in the street next to me and prayed over me for hours.. I don't believe I would've come out of that darkness...
But the Love of God overcomes ALL obstacles.. It always has and it always will.. and I am living proof of that.
This being all said and known I still as you can see feel and see my brokenness.. I know where I've been, I know where I have come, I know or at least think I know who I want to be and I hope to one day become the person God wants me to be.
Lately in addition to how ive been falling victim to seeking this world for happiness and fulfillment I have also been a victim of seeking social networking and others to define me, to give me my worth and it has been causing me ruin.. everday I have admittedly thought to myself what kind of life can I put out there in the interwebs that will please others?? I find that I live each moment in a way that I would want to share it with others.. to be an object of envy? admiration? inspiration?? I just want to please others and be pleased with myself at the same time.. but what I really need to do is what this meme says:
My worth is found in Him and Him alone.
I need to focus on Him, who He wants me to be.. and in that process I will become someone I love, someone who others love... and the Joy of the Lord will be present in me.. and shine through me.. and as my testimony has shown the Joy of the Lord is contagious.
In conclusion I am going to try and shift my paradigm.. I am going to seek the Lord more, spend time with Him again, worship Him and seek (although few and far between with my busy life) those precious quiet hours with Him.. My current life is my new normal and I am adjusting.. New town, new people, new baby, new psychological state and the battles coming with it.. but with God I can overcome everything and in the mean time I need to be Kind to myself.. I leave you with some positive memes and a picture I took to inspire and motivate myself to turn this new leaf.
God Bless. Erin.
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