"What?" I respond
"guess?" He starts the torment
"I don't know you're gonna have me cook and clean?"
"a little of that"
"what else?
"What happens Wednesday may be a clue"
"Are we getting something in the mail we need to assemble?"
"Doesn't have anything do with anything like that you are thinking too narrow a scope on what is happening wednesday"
"I have no idea what that means, Wednesday I am making stuffing and watching the kids"
"Still you are thinking too narrow a scope"
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I'll solve the mystery for you guys... The movie The Good Dinosaur opens in Theatres today and on Black friday we are going to watch it.. assuming it's not insane.
The point of sharing this conversation is that it is a perfect summation of how I function on the daily...
As I posted in the post before this.. I live inwardly.. my entire world is inside my head.. within me... It's not unique to me I know.. but I am realizing now that I live a very self-oriented life even if I don't mean too.. I view things on too narrow a scope.. my world.. whats happening to me and mine.. there is nothing else...
My problems are the biggest problems, my emotional state is the deciding factor and end all/ be all of mine and everyone's existence.. except.. not really...
the world and the the universe and everything in creation is entirely huger than anything in my little world...
I live in a bubble..
I had a breakdown the other day to my husband... "I am losing myself" I cried.. "My identity as a mother and as a wife and a housekeeper superscedes my identity of self... my identity as Erin.. I am forgetting who Erin is"
Pretty much sums up the 30 minute sob fest..
What is my life?
It is waking up and taking care of everyone else's needs before my own, forgetting I even have needs... forgetting that I have any personality beyond cranky morning mother, or frustrated afternoon mother or overwhelmed in home chef/chaufeur/errand runner/maid/wife/so on and so forth.
The other day I was with a friend and I found myself again.. we were driving and I felt for a moment liberated to just be me.. no filters, no facades, no titles, no responsibilities to anyone or anything.. just to be rawly ME.. and it was so liberating, so freeing, so rare a treat that something inside me broke.. later the dam caved in and out came niagra falls in the form of tears and snot... (my poor husband)
My scope is too Narrow. My whole world is right here... and I want to appreciate the small scope and cherish everything in it so I can also look beyond it at the larger scope, the larger picture and appreciate those things too....
A change has to start inside to work it's way out... I pray everyday that God will change my heart, that He will give me more Grace and Peace to understand and love others... beyond my self.. beyond my inner scope... my scope too narrow.
Lord take my eyes off myself and give me eyes to see what You see, a world beyond my world, a universe bigger and greater and more forceful than anything within me, put my eyes on You so I may see what You see, so I may feel what You feel, to have a heart that loves like Yours and the grace and peace that surpasses all understanding so that I may be more like YOU. I am struggling, internally, outwardly.. Life isn't easy, this world is broken and I am broken I am no exception to the rule... I want to be the best me I can be.. to represent You, to reflect Your love. To be MORE.. more than this petty suburban trainwreck (on a good day) but to be one who loves deeply, selflessly, gracefully. Lord Help ME I cannot do this alone. Show me the way. My identity is found in You.. not in any hardships or humble worldly problems or tasks... Show me the way to Your Heart. Amen.
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