The root of all heartache

Ever since I can remember I have been inexhaustedly vying for everyone and anyones affection or attention..

every bar i've ever set for myself is too high.. unattainable in fact.

And I am willing to believe this is not an abnormality of the human condition..

Society and things of this world are always telling us to be one thing or another, telling us what's pretty, what's smart.. telling us what perfection to strive for..

I grew up in a rather wealthy region of southern California, a region thats true wealth really eluded me until after I graduated and noticed that everyone basically lived in 5 bedroom houses on the ocean and had water falls going into their pool.. I felt a little out of place when I would drive my dad's rather nice volvo to school and in the monarchy of the upper classmen at La Costa Canyon I fell rather sub par in comparison to everyone's bmw's and mercedes benzes..

My spring breaks were usually spent sleeping in at home, sometimes walking on the beach..vs my classmates that would travel to europe or some tropical isle and get drunk of mojitos or stare at fine art.

I have always been the outcast. I have always felt out of place.

I have clinical depression and anxiety that I have always feared would be enough to scare people away from loving me forever.

I never dated, I never went to prom.. except for my junior year with a bunch of girlfriends..

(and the funnest part was getting ready)

In elementary school I was teased a lot, this reason still escapes me, but basically it boils down to the simple fact that kids can be cruel to other kids..

I never felt pretty enough, I always tried to follow the "trends" but could never really afford to.

I was constantly trying to fit the mold of what seemed to be the formula for popularity but only ended up digging myself deeper and deeper into a whole of unsatisfactory shamefulness.

I never was "right", I was the butt of all jokes, and I repulsed most of the people I grew up with.. what was it about me that was so wrong? I was friendly, social, loud, outgoing.. everything I am today, but I never fit.. I was a piece from a different puzzle.

For my 8th birthday party I wanted to go to a waterslide park and I invited the people I believed to be "popular" they all jumped at the idea of going to the waterslide park.. and rsvp'd that they would come but on the day of my party... when my dad drove to the school, to pick up the kids to carpool.. they didn't show.

in fact we met their parents there that in more words or less said "my kid didn't wanna come to your kid's birthday party" and paid my dad off instead.

..probably for gas.

in middle school I was accused of breaking up a drug ring (for befriending a lonesome girl during lunch period) and the result was the entire school threatened to essentially kill me.

I remember getting all dolled up for an 8th grade dance and when my mom dropped me off, I walked in the auditorium and everyone stopped dancing. one of the girls walked up to me and said "what are you doing here? get the F*ck out!"..

I walked away and called my mom on a pay phone and told her my stomach hurt.... so she turned around and picked me up.

there are so many scars embedded in me from my youth.. so many deep wounds I cannot completely heal from...

So it's no wonder this all followed me into adulthood.. I had this one male friend when I was 19 years old, and I hung out with him every day.. I found I was constantly trying to be kinder, smarter, more intellectual to gain his affection, because I heard how he talked about his other friends and all the qualities he admired in them I thirsted for... I wanted to out do them.. I wanted to be good enough, I wanted to be the friend he said was smart, pretty, kind, I wanted him to be proud of me..

I never felt that.

because of all of these pains, I have never felt I deserved the kind of affection and love, and happiness I craved throughout my entire life..

with Ethan, I have these things... these things I wanted.. and I feel I don't deserve them sometimes.. but that is the enemy whispering lies to me..

When I was talking to Amanda (my sister for all intents and purposes) the other day, I told her I felt I didn't deserve Ethan...

This is what she responded..."Erin you DO deserve Ethan. You are such an amazing person; you are seriously the best person I know. You’re sweet and funny and kind and you care more for others than you do yourself. Those aren't things you can buy or find easily. You are the most amazing and interesting human being to me. And you’ve been that way since childhood. It didn’t take you years of being a brat to realize it. You have always been humble and sweet and just a good person inside and out since I met you. To me you are perfection. You are what everyone in the world should be. If the world had more you, there wouldn’t be hunger, or war. You are such an incredible being you amaze me everyday. I strive to be more like you. Please don't take any of this lightly; this is how I have always felt. I have always been envious of you for so many reasons."

When I read this I sobbed... I never could think for a million years that someone who has known me this long could see anything worth admiring in me...

I still need to digest this..

I have never felt comfortable in my skin, my basis for beauty is unknown, and everytime I try to doll myself up, the more I try the uglier I feel.. WHY IS THIS?

simple: we live in a broken fallen world.

but a revelation came to me as I was driving home from school today..and it was this.

" I have never been the person this world has wanted me to be... but I am not of this world... and who I am and who I am turning into is the person God wants me to be"

So my basis for how I feel about myself/ the image of God... should be based on what He sees in me.. who He created me to be..

because all this time where I have been agonizingly struggling to be "ok"... He has known me to be perfect...

and once I can truly realize this, and live this... will I finally be happy. because the joy of the Lord is my strength.

The thought that counts; reflections of valentines day.

Love is a many splendid thing, Love lifts us up where we belong, all we need is love-that one guy from Moulin Rouge...

These things are true, Love is what we were created for, our lives are measured in love, not in brain power, or what we accomplish fiscally, or materially.

And yet there is a day like a Valentines day.

"it's colder than it should be in february"- Stripped down hollywood.

Valentines day and I have a love-hate relationship, I never had a valentine until I was 18, and I tried to convince my boyfriend at the time (stupidly) that I hated valentines day, so when I got him something and he got me nothing, it stung.. but I tried to hide it.

Leading up to my first valentines day with a valentine were those elementary days where everyone had to get everyone a valentine because it was homework, and yet I would save those 20 cent valentines from the boy I had a crush on and hoard them pretending they really did come from the individuals heart.. in fact I had this one foil wrapped chocolate heart stowed away in a locked box for I think 10 years because it said "to: Erin, Love, _____" (I wont disclose his name) and I was enamored, a hopeless romantic of sorts.

The second valentines day that I had a valentine was in 2008, and I got pregnant that day.. so needless to say it's a bittersweet memory...

Sweet because I love my daughter more than life itself.
Bitter because of the the fact I never loved her father, and the following events would be devastating...


then there is this year.

Ethan Apodaca is the love of my life, and I will love him until I leave this Earth..

but what is killing me right now is the expectations I have put on the holiday that could tarnish his squeaky clean image, and it has nothing to do with him, but of my past wounds, and the way this holiday is marketed.

My sister and I were talking earlier (Amanda; my sister for all intents and purposes), and we were discussing how so many women single or in a dating relationship or even married are let down on valentines day.

Why is this?
Why is this day so toxic?

it's a hallmark holiday, a day created by greeting card companies and then marketed like mad.

its a day to give people an excuse to love on each other.. as if we HUMANS need an excuse.. it was what we were intrinsically embedded with, the need to love and be loved.. why do we need a holiday to show this?

Yesterday facebook was littered with pictures and commentaries of "love" which I enjoyed... however with the variety of romantics out there in the world the bars were set and fluctuated accordingly.

My expectations I didn't consciously realize were being forced into my mind and heart.. and they increased with each post.

By the time Ethan came over with his gifts for us (Katarina and I) I didn't know what to expect, but whatever it was I was designed to be let down.

People always say "it's the thought that counts" and material doesn't really matter when you have real love, and this is completely true.

Ethan loves me so well, I could not emphasize the truth of that anymore than saying that I often times feel I don't deserve him, because there is nobody better out there for me. ..

lately he has been surprising me with flowers, chocolates... and super sweet texts...

I never don't feel loved by him...

so when he came over with my favorite frozen dinners, one of his favorite movies, my favorite chocolates and a balloon with the words "happy valentines day" printed on them, it should have more or less felt like just another day... but I felt empty at the end of the day, wounded almost, and I couldn't figure out why?

then when discussing with my sister she illustrated societies underlying goal, the worlds materialistic implantation and the involuntary embedded expectations of this "holiday" and it all made sense to me...

This day was almost designed to wound. Especially someone like me who is a hopeless romantic.

I had in my mind that I wanted this heavily marketed valentines teddy bear sold at walmart, and when I got anything other than that it seemed like a sub par distribution of affection.

But when I step out of myself for a minute I realize that Ethan loved me well, He gave me things he knew I loved, He planned on an evening of being with me.. he wanted to eat and watch the movie, and he gave my daughter a ball that she loves and a sweet valentine and I should feel like I am drowning in love right now..

but the world has wounded me. Not Ethan...

I am not materialistic by any means however this Holiday switched something in me at an early age and I need to know going into every valentines day from here on out.. that expectations truly are going to be the root of all heartache.. thank you Shakespeare ;)


What we were created for and what this world force feeds us is conflicted on so many levels.

When we leave this Earth.. this broken world.. what we take with us isn't what we purchased, or received, or earned... we don't take with us the flesh of our bodies, our vanity, our hearts, our minds that we fight so hard to fill with information.. what we leave with is something different than all of that and it's measured by love...

The golden rule "love one another as you would want to be loved"

"do unto others and you would like done unto you"

"love as if you've never been hurt"

"love love love"

that's what we need to concentrate on. LOVE.
Appreciate what you have and not what you don't have.
Because often times what we have is more than enough.

THANK YOU GOD!
AMEN!