Love is a many splendid thing, Love lifts us up where we belong, all we need is love-that one guy from Moulin Rouge...
These things are true, Love is what we were created for, our lives are measured in love, not in brain power, or what we accomplish fiscally, or materially.
And yet there is a day like a Valentines day.
"it's colder than it should be in february"- Stripped down hollywood.
Valentines day and I have a love-hate relationship, I never had a valentine until I was 18, and I tried to convince my boyfriend at the time (stupidly) that I hated valentines day, so when I got him something and he got me nothing, it stung.. but I tried to hide it.
Leading up to my first valentines day with a valentine were those elementary days where everyone had to get everyone a valentine because it was homework, and yet I would save those 20 cent valentines from the boy I had a crush on and hoard them pretending they really did come from the individuals heart.. in fact I had this one foil wrapped chocolate heart stowed away in a locked box for I think 10 years because it said "to: Erin, Love, _____" (I wont disclose his name) and I was enamored, a hopeless romantic of sorts.
The second valentines day that I had a valentine was in 2008, and I got pregnant that day.. so needless to say it's a bittersweet memory...
Sweet because I love my daughter more than life itself.
Bitter because of the the fact I never loved her father, and the following events would be devastating...
then there is this year.
Ethan Apodaca is the love of my life, and I will love him until I leave this Earth..
but what is killing me right now is the expectations I have put on the holiday that could tarnish his squeaky clean image, and it has nothing to do with him, but of my past wounds, and the way this holiday is marketed.
My sister and I were talking earlier (Amanda; my sister for all intents and purposes), and we were discussing how so many women single or in a dating relationship or even married are let down on valentines day.
Why is this?
Why is this day so toxic?
it's a hallmark holiday, a day created by greeting card companies and then marketed like mad.
its a day to give people an excuse to love on each other.. as if we HUMANS need an excuse.. it was what we were intrinsically embedded with, the need to love and be loved.. why do we need a holiday to show this?
Yesterday facebook was littered with pictures and commentaries of "love" which I enjoyed... however with the variety of romantics out there in the world the bars were set and fluctuated accordingly.
My expectations I didn't consciously realize were being forced into my mind and heart.. and they increased with each post.
By the time Ethan came over with his gifts for us (Katarina and I) I didn't know what to expect, but whatever it was I was designed to be let down.
People always say "it's the thought that counts" and material doesn't really matter when you have real love, and this is completely true.
Ethan loves me so well, I could not emphasize the truth of that anymore than saying that I often times feel I don't deserve him, because there is nobody better out there for me. ..
lately he has been surprising me with flowers, chocolates... and super sweet texts...
I never don't feel loved by him...
so when he came over with my favorite frozen dinners, one of his favorite movies, my favorite chocolates and a balloon with the words "happy valentines day" printed on them, it should have more or less felt like just another day... but I felt empty at the end of the day, wounded almost, and I couldn't figure out why?
then when discussing with my sister she illustrated societies underlying goal, the worlds materialistic implantation and the involuntary embedded expectations of this "holiday" and it all made sense to me...
This day was almost designed to wound. Especially someone like me who is a hopeless romantic.
I had in my mind that I wanted this heavily marketed valentines teddy bear sold at walmart, and when I got anything other than that it seemed like a sub par distribution of affection.
But when I step out of myself for a minute I realize that Ethan loved me well, He gave me things he knew I loved, He planned on an evening of being with me.. he wanted to eat and watch the movie, and he gave my daughter a ball that she loves and a sweet valentine and I should feel like I am drowning in love right now..
but the world has wounded me. Not Ethan...
I am not materialistic by any means however this Holiday switched something in me at an early age and I need to know going into every valentines day from here on out.. that expectations truly are going to be the root of all heartache.. thank you Shakespeare ;)
What we were created for and what this world force feeds us is conflicted on so many levels.
When we leave this Earth.. this broken world.. what we take with us isn't what we purchased, or received, or earned... we don't take with us the flesh of our bodies, our vanity, our hearts, our minds that we fight so hard to fill with information.. what we leave with is something different than all of that and it's measured by love...
The golden rule "love one another as you would want to be loved"
"do unto others and you would like done unto you"
"love as if you've never been hurt"
"love love love"
that's what we need to concentrate on. LOVE.
Appreciate what you have and not what you don't have.
Because often times what we have is more than enough.
THANK YOU GOD!
AMEN!
No comments:
Post a Comment