The root of all heartache

Ever since I can remember I have been inexhaustedly vying for everyone and anyones affection or attention..

every bar i've ever set for myself is too high.. unattainable in fact.

And I am willing to believe this is not an abnormality of the human condition..

Society and things of this world are always telling us to be one thing or another, telling us what's pretty, what's smart.. telling us what perfection to strive for..

I grew up in a rather wealthy region of southern California, a region thats true wealth really eluded me until after I graduated and noticed that everyone basically lived in 5 bedroom houses on the ocean and had water falls going into their pool.. I felt a little out of place when I would drive my dad's rather nice volvo to school and in the monarchy of the upper classmen at La Costa Canyon I fell rather sub par in comparison to everyone's bmw's and mercedes benzes..

My spring breaks were usually spent sleeping in at home, sometimes walking on the beach..vs my classmates that would travel to europe or some tropical isle and get drunk of mojitos or stare at fine art.

I have always been the outcast. I have always felt out of place.

I have clinical depression and anxiety that I have always feared would be enough to scare people away from loving me forever.

I never dated, I never went to prom.. except for my junior year with a bunch of girlfriends..

(and the funnest part was getting ready)

In elementary school I was teased a lot, this reason still escapes me, but basically it boils down to the simple fact that kids can be cruel to other kids..

I never felt pretty enough, I always tried to follow the "trends" but could never really afford to.

I was constantly trying to fit the mold of what seemed to be the formula for popularity but only ended up digging myself deeper and deeper into a whole of unsatisfactory shamefulness.

I never was "right", I was the butt of all jokes, and I repulsed most of the people I grew up with.. what was it about me that was so wrong? I was friendly, social, loud, outgoing.. everything I am today, but I never fit.. I was a piece from a different puzzle.

For my 8th birthday party I wanted to go to a waterslide park and I invited the people I believed to be "popular" they all jumped at the idea of going to the waterslide park.. and rsvp'd that they would come but on the day of my party... when my dad drove to the school, to pick up the kids to carpool.. they didn't show.

in fact we met their parents there that in more words or less said "my kid didn't wanna come to your kid's birthday party" and paid my dad off instead.

..probably for gas.

in middle school I was accused of breaking up a drug ring (for befriending a lonesome girl during lunch period) and the result was the entire school threatened to essentially kill me.

I remember getting all dolled up for an 8th grade dance and when my mom dropped me off, I walked in the auditorium and everyone stopped dancing. one of the girls walked up to me and said "what are you doing here? get the F*ck out!"..

I walked away and called my mom on a pay phone and told her my stomach hurt.... so she turned around and picked me up.

there are so many scars embedded in me from my youth.. so many deep wounds I cannot completely heal from...

So it's no wonder this all followed me into adulthood.. I had this one male friend when I was 19 years old, and I hung out with him every day.. I found I was constantly trying to be kinder, smarter, more intellectual to gain his affection, because I heard how he talked about his other friends and all the qualities he admired in them I thirsted for... I wanted to out do them.. I wanted to be good enough, I wanted to be the friend he said was smart, pretty, kind, I wanted him to be proud of me..

I never felt that.

because of all of these pains, I have never felt I deserved the kind of affection and love, and happiness I craved throughout my entire life..

with Ethan, I have these things... these things I wanted.. and I feel I don't deserve them sometimes.. but that is the enemy whispering lies to me..

When I was talking to Amanda (my sister for all intents and purposes) the other day, I told her I felt I didn't deserve Ethan...

This is what she responded..."Erin you DO deserve Ethan. You are such an amazing person; you are seriously the best person I know. You’re sweet and funny and kind and you care more for others than you do yourself. Those aren't things you can buy or find easily. You are the most amazing and interesting human being to me. And you’ve been that way since childhood. It didn’t take you years of being a brat to realize it. You have always been humble and sweet and just a good person inside and out since I met you. To me you are perfection. You are what everyone in the world should be. If the world had more you, there wouldn’t be hunger, or war. You are such an incredible being you amaze me everyday. I strive to be more like you. Please don't take any of this lightly; this is how I have always felt. I have always been envious of you for so many reasons."

When I read this I sobbed... I never could think for a million years that someone who has known me this long could see anything worth admiring in me...

I still need to digest this..

I have never felt comfortable in my skin, my basis for beauty is unknown, and everytime I try to doll myself up, the more I try the uglier I feel.. WHY IS THIS?

simple: we live in a broken fallen world.

but a revelation came to me as I was driving home from school today..and it was this.

" I have never been the person this world has wanted me to be... but I am not of this world... and who I am and who I am turning into is the person God wants me to be"

So my basis for how I feel about myself/ the image of God... should be based on what He sees in me.. who He created me to be..

because all this time where I have been agonizingly struggling to be "ok"... He has known me to be perfect...

and once I can truly realize this, and live this... will I finally be happy. because the joy of the Lord is my strength.