Being a grown up is lonely.
Current mood: Depressed
maybe being a grownup isn't lonely.. maybe it's just me that's lonely.. I don't know I can only speak for myself I can't make generalizations for the human race as a whole.
I am lonely.
Terribly
all encompassingly (if that's even a word)
Lonely.
Let's be real now.
Nobody is going to read this
I am typing this into the empty void of space and time
the endless abyss of nothingness
and nobody
I am just a speck of dust in this universe of universes just like everyone else..and yet I want to shine like some ethereal star.. brighter than the rest... living to be noticed, adored, appreciated...
but I am not
My light burneth out
The sign of a broken ENFP.
I have nobody by my side... well.. I have my husband.. and my kids, and my cats...
but it's not enough
Let me paint you a picture of why I have arrived at this current state
earlier I put on Piglet's Big Movie for my children to watch
Summary: Piglet feels unappreciated... somehow "goes missing" and all the creatures of the hundred acre wood gather to reminisce on all the wonderful memories they had with piglet and how he's such a staple in their lives... yada yada yada.
i've said it once and I will say it again many many times..
relationships are my life
my world revolves around the people I am fond of
my friends make my life what it is..
so when I lose those friends... in this crazy topsy turvey thing called life where does that leave me?
I am going to Name drop.
Because like I said before, nobody is going to read this. this is just an outlet to unleash my emotions and believe for a split second that someone out there is reading this and understanding.. just like when I was a kid and laid in bed at night singing songs but pausing for stanzas in belief that there was someone out there in the world singing the same song and finishing those stanzas...
again just a dream
I have been dumped by every friend I was 100% invested in. In my heart, in my soul, in my mind, in my presence.
Almost every friend I have ever truly loved have left me.
In HIghschool it was the supersquad. Megan, Lambert, and Jim... We were attached at the hip, we did everything together and then they robbed me... not just of my spirit but actually physically robbed me... stole my credit card, spent it around town, went to mexico, went to the spa... robbed me...
then after many years of putting walls up after that.. I met Nikko, who convinced me that walls needed to be torn down, that i needed to trust again, that he was safe to let in. I was a challenge, a puzzle to crack, and once those walls came down and he saw all that I had to offer in his words I wasn't "interesting enough" for him.
talk about devastation
then there was Nikki.
My best friend from highschool...
After I went off to college she dumped me a # of times.
first she thought I had romantic interest in her teenage brother (yuck) and she blamed me for the turmoil in her home related to him apparently liking me
second.. when I was called upon to be maid of honor at her wedding I got pregnant with my daughter and hospitalized with hyperemesis and in her words I wasn't "paying enough attention" to her in her "time of need" So I was kicked out of the wedding and not even invited as a guest...
then somehow she eventually needed me for something.. advice or something and we made up.. Until one day when I was visiting her in San Diego with my then 1 year old and boyfriend and I was focusing on catching up with her instead of hovering over every single one of my child's moves and she deemed me a neglectory mother, deleted me from facebook and sent me a message telling me to give my daughter up for adoption.
After that I am like 100% convinced she convinced several other highschool friends of mine that I was some terrible mother/human being and took them all with her... away from me.
I literally have no friends to see if I were to go to my 10 year highschool reunion that is coming up.
Then there was Nicole. Nicole and I were again.. twin souls.. attached at the hip... we bonded during my pregnancy with my daughter and she was there for me when sh*t hit the fan in the darkest part of my life.. I in turn was there for her on several occassions.. sometimes housing her when she had nowhere to go and feeding her from my foodstamps when things were tough.. I don't think I am any saint or anything but the point is I viewed her like family, we took care of one another... then for a class I wrote an autobiographical screenplay about (what was then) the last 2 years of my life and since she was a pinnacle part of that, I wrote her in it. She read it, called it Juvenile and wrote me out of her life then and there without so much as a discussion. One time I tried asking her why she made the choice to leave our relationship and she responded "I hope a goat eats all your clothes" she then started making claims that I was some gold digger.. (which I still don't get) and materialistic and that I try to buy people's love... still wish she would've given some explainations or even examples because I am still lost as to why this ship went down...
then there was Kayla. We had been friends for 20 years. Been through decades of stuff together, claimed to be sisters by heart. After I became a Christian at age 19 she claims stuff got weird. She immediately started accusing me of being homophobic, and judgemental of her "lifestyle" (she's bi) and everything drifted from there.. when I came to her asking why our friendship was falling apart (in hopes to repair it) she made a bunch of other ugly (and false) claims about me and it was then that I knew I couldn't be friends with her. I can't be friends with someone who has my character so wrong and whom believes such ugly things about me. The straw that broke the camels back in this case? a thread on my page about breastfeeding of all things. Apparently because I didn't defend her when she jumped all over my post being anti-breastfeeding in public, I am not a good friend. She says I left her to the wolves..
so many relationships, so many years invested, so many memories, so many happy days... gone.. with the stroke of the "petty" wand.
Why?
Is there something wrong with me?
These peoples' opinions (although false) I have somehow allowed to define me.
Every relationship I have now is superficial, surface level. Hi there, how are ya? good. Ok see you later.
then there are the people I seek validation from on the internet. Oh these people liked my blog, oh they are following me on instagram, oh that cosmetics company shared my photograph.. oh people are complimenting my appearance... blah blahdy blah...
what happens when the comments and likes and shares stop?
Where am I then? the empty void.
the endless abyss
the seeking of affirmation
the loneliness
where's my niche? My community? my steady fellowship? My good friends? Where are my hundred acre buddies appreciating my existence and affirming my friendship? where are my meaningful conversations, my hugs, my nods from someone who understands.
where did all that go?
and where am I now.
Consider me..
unplugged.
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