Far Away

My dad always told me it how it was.
No Sugar Coating anything.. I got the real world.. raw and sometimes in my face.

I was destined to be a firecracker. I was that sperm that surpassed all obstacles to get to the finish line.. not condom coupled with birth control could stop THIS Michael Phelps...

I was meant to be here.. why? I am not sure.. we are all small pieces of a much bigger puzzle and we should relish in the knowledge that the completed picture is beautiful and perfect and far beyond what the mind can imagine.

I've been thinking about myself and people a lot lately.. go figure..

I have been in this weird funk lately... like I am in a rut I cant describe and I am desperately clawing at strings to pull myself out.. I am wanting to be bold and different and do something that will surprise myself.. I have been wanting to feel alive again.


I watched this documentary on Netflix called "Holy Hell" the other day. It was about the late eighties to present day "Cult" called "The Buddha Field" which all seemed like harmless buddhist community and fellowship until it came to light that they were all brain washed by an out of work porn actor who was raping all the men individually in therapy sessions for $50 a week. The producer/writer/director who was incidentally one of these brain wash'ys having a sexual affair with his "Master" mentioned in his narrative that he would do whatever it took just to feel alive... he was looking for purpose... they all were... and they were looking to someone and something that was concrete.. that was real.. present... that they could reach out and touch... and for them.. it became this man.. this man whom they believed would bring them to "the knowing" the presence of God... But in the end He was just a broken idol.. and the realization left these people more broken and empty.. than full of "purpose" when all that Shit hit the fan.

I have been listening to Jose Gonzalez a lot lately on Spotify.... Surprise surprise I know.. there this is this one song that keeps repeating itself in the playlist a lot though lately and I am starting to notice a pattern/theme. The Repeated Verse of the Song is this:

"Step in front of a runaway train just to feel alive again.

Pushing forward through the night, aching chest and blurry sight.

It's so far, so far away.

It's so far, so far away."

The Song itself is called "Far Away" and You can listen to it here: (but please read on as it plays)

Here is my take:

People are stuck in a rut.. similar to mine constantly, they want to feel something, feel a part of something, they want their purpose and their existence realized, they are drowning in a broken world and they want to reach out to what is Real. Real.. and it's "so Far away"

I was watching Chopped last night on netflix and again.. the theme came back.. this guy who was competing in his introductory video said this. "I Jump out of Airplanes, Surf Large Swells, Climb Tall Mountains.. I do whatever it is that makes me feel alive"

Are we all dead?
Is this Limbo?
Are we Stuck between Hell and the Perfect World we were made for?

We think if we reach high enough we will touch it, if we shock ourselves out of this endless sleep we will see it, taste it, feel it.

It's So far, So Far Away.

SO why am I here?
Was it to Write these blogs that so evidently reach so many viewers? (Sarcasm)

(BY THE WAY IF I SHOULD DIE, PUBLISH THESE BLOGS.)

Do I exist just to contemplate why I Exist?

Is life a cruel joke?

Is my purpose divine?

Will I know in time?

I don't know if we will ever know.. but I like to contemplate these things nonetheless..

I am part of MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) and this years theme is called " We are the Starry Eyed" and the whole theme kinda circles this idea that we all live internally.. we all start to suffocate in our own little lives, our own meanings, our own... whatever and we fail to see the beauty and the universe that is happening around us all the time... THE BIGGER PICTURE.

We need to become the Starry Eyed.. The people who look for Hope in the Right places.. Who realize that our true purpose or every extent of it, may never be known.. and that's OK. Because He Died for Us.

I can't explain my relationship with the living god Jesus.. in fact even seeing those words put together to form that sentence kinda irks me as well.. like "mumbo jumbo" but the thing is.. it's something not fully understood by anyone and that's why it's uncomfortable..

I believe wholeheartedly though that Jesus is the Living God..  let's leave it at that.

Now back to my childhood..

My father never sugar coated anything and I am pretty sure he conditioned me to be the same way.. however I am like a WHOLE OTHER LEVEL of Loud and Bold and Honest.. Being Real and being raw and honest, and owning myself in a world where everyone is adopting new facades every minute

(Let's be honest we all "play happy" very well on our social media sites)

Is very uncomfortable and demanding and frankly draining for people to witness..

But I think I was made to stand out.. to be real, to be honest, even if it frightens people.. I am never trying to be anything other than myself and I never have.. people's ideas about me have just changed over time..

as a child I didn't have many friends and I was the topic of much scrutiny,
my youth was worst and my peers even became violent towards me.
Eventually I befriended the wrong people and gave my heart away to the wrong people

but I am here... I live. I learn.

I was made to speak and show truth in an otherwise facaded world.

I speak truth in ways not a lot of people do.

and it is scary. It is.
I need to work on speaking it in love however..

So why am I here??

I may never know, but I AM EXCITED to learn about myself more and more everyday, and to love that part of myself that is uniquely created in me.. because we are all here for a reason.. whatever that may be... I know it will be beautiful.

And just in the knowledge of that I can come to feel Alive.

maybe that's all living is.. coming to peace with yourself.. the way you are.. accepting others, in the solidarity that we are all cells of the creator, putting together a grander picture.. maybe contact with oneself and others is contacting the divine.. what if our creator is here now.. everywhere you turn...

so this concludes another random musing/thought train. See you next destination.

I LOVE YOU.

and I leave you with this.. there are roughly 8 billion people in the world and a billion trillion (Seriously check wikipedia if you don't believe me) STARS: