sometimes so many ideas start bouncing around and I begin to do (what I like to call) "writing in circles" it was a term given to me by a guy named Marco back in 2006...
essentially when my brain gets clouded with ideas I
just begin to write them down.. then hopefully in revisiting these now concrete thoughts I can come to some solid conclusion about them..
but yesterday's thought web.. even I couldn't untangle that. and I apologize,
In Summation of it all.. I am loud and honest and apparently unapologetic as well as I am dealing with the need to feel more alive lately, just as many people have experienced.. and the idea of "coming alive" is a motif of a lot of things in my life right now.. one of those being my Mother's of Preschoolers group (MOPS)..
The theme "We are the Starry Eyed" is presented as so:
We Are the Starry Eyed from MOPS International on Vimeo.
the part about dichotomy and being both light and dark is what really strikes me..
I have been dealing a lot lately in internal struggles.. some common, some unique but definitely high in quantity..
I always feel like I am two people
I am the free spirited hippie
but I am the strung out mother
Part of me wants to run wild and free
and the other needs stability
I am glam
but I am humble
I can go from barbie to beach bum in a matter of moments... and both make me happy
I am a minimalist
that can't stop consuming
I want simplicity and peace in my household
but I struggle with the need to "retail therapize" (therapize is not a word.. I am aware.. but I thought it was cool and I am keeping it)
I am a Vegan
who struggles every minute of her life in staying so.. and wondering why that is.
to be honest somedays all I have is a handful of pretzles because I can't stand to eat the same 5 things again and again... and I am becoming malnourished
I am the PTC mom, the girl scout leader, the playdate host-er,
but I am also the one who likes to drink and play cards against humanity with her friends and be crude in an environment without children
I am both light and dark
hope and wonder
fear and love
life and death
I have two people inside of me struggling to be known...
wanting to be right
wanting to be happy.
and I am stuck...
stuck wondering who I am, or why I am.. contemplating my conception and the lives I may or may not have touched in my journey on this Earth.
living internally, not externally,
reaching for the divine
on a suffocated broken planet.
this is me..
this is my struggle
some days I dont get out of bed..
today was one of those days..
my serotonin levels ebb and flow like the tide rises and falls..
and today all I could manage to do was get up, get my kids to school. sleep. pick them up. and then lock myself in my room after my husband got home...
I did my makeup this morning in hopes of seeing someone, or in hopes of motivating myself to go out, and be in the world... but I made it 2 feet out of my bedroom door, turned around and went back to bed...
today I am not mother of the year
today I am not wife of the year
hell.. today I am not human of the year..
but this is my life...
nobody died.
the important things got done
my house may be a mess,
there may be yogurt on my couch
and chocolate almond milk in my carpet...
reycling everywhere
poptart (yes you read that right) crumbs in every nook and cranny of my living room...
but my kids are fed and happy, they both got to school and picked up on time. My husband was able to go to work today to provide for us, and I got much needed sleep...
I don't know the bigger picture outside of myself or even in the universe..
I just have to take moments and days one step at a time and trust that God knows what He is doing.. even when it's clear that I am struggling... that I am under par, and I am tearing myself down day in and day out.
God knows what He is doing and He is GOOD. He did not make a mistake in making me. He knew what He was doing and He said I was GOOD.
Lord, help me to lean on you in moments of weakness and confusion, give me the strength to not need to grasp at straws but be strong in knowing who You are and have peace in that... I hope that everyday I am being molded more and more into the person You want me to be. I pray Your will is done through me, and I pray that I will not doubt myself any longer.
I pray for restoration of my mind, soul, spirit, marriage, friendships, relationships with my children and in general.. where ever there are tears or hardships, misunderstandings, weak spots Lord I pray for intervention.. and for those reading this as well, whomever needs these prayers answered in parts of their own lives I pray for them too. Lord Forgive us all, for we know not what we do, I love you. Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment