So here I am.. back in San Diego almost a year and still as lonely as the day I left Chico..
Loneliness is something that people like me cannot survive well with if it dominates their life.. and lately.. and by lately I mean the last year.. this has been the dominant feeling.
I've given San Diego a chance.. despite my past of making shallow surface friends here that only grew to hurt me in time, I thought moving back here after 7 years things could be different.. the people could be better... perhaps in all the growth I have had in my young adult years in College..making good quality friends in a place like San Diego would be easier.. I was wrong.
A) this place is huge
B) nobody my age is at my stage of life
C) Everyone my age has their group of friends.... and no room for new ones... apparently.
D) I guess I didn't make good enough friends in high school or else they'd still be my friends today.. but unfortunately due to (previously stated) "shallow" reasons.. this is not the case.. it's funny how one person's sudden negative opinion of you can cause an avalanche of fallen relationships... after 6+ years of what seemed like solid relationships... I guess people always show their true colors in time...
anyway.. moving on...
I realize I self soothe by playing facebook games... If I keep my mind numbingly involved in "puzzles" I can avoid the real issue at hand... which is my extreme loneliness...
Maybe I was just really blessed in Chico.. Everyone there had such big hearts and open minds, and were just like me always welcoming new people into their arms...
This is who I am.. I am wired for people. Lots of people. Quality time. Love. times shared with one another... unconditional affection, intellectual conversation... it's only in these things that I thrive as a human being... without these things, these moments I am reduced to a sappy puddle.. who can hardly get out of bed in the morning, who can't find the motivation or drive to want to do anything...
I've also had a tough year. I married the love of my life (good thing), but then immediately following that I moved away from the most amazing community of friends that only God could dream up, I got deathly ill and had to be admitted in a hospital for a total of two months... Ethan lost his job and we lived in a state of terror not knowing where we were gonna end up or how we were gonna survive fiscally from month to month.. and then things seemed to get better.. Ethan got a better paying job, we got a house, I have everything materially that I need and I still can't go a day without some kind of teary breakdown where I weep unceasingly for my lonely broken heart.
What's all the money and material in the world if you have nobody to share it with?
"happiness only real when shared"- Alexander Supertramp.
into the wild..
I've tried.. I really have...
We joined a church, we joined bible studies.. Young marrieds groups, young adult groups, we've attended dances and holiday parties.. we've met lots of people... and yet everyday I have not one friend to count on to really be there for me...
I put myself out there. I practically throw myself at people in desperation.. I gave a stranger at target my phone number the other day declaring to her that I was in dire need of friends.. and yet... here I am... still..
I tried meetup.com.. but unfortunately there isn't a group for "young mother's who have an empty nest during the day and spend most of their time in a virtual realm or harassing their cat for the least bit of affection to get her through the day"
I could always start one, but I think the member count would be One....
Everyone has work, or theater, or school, or their friends they've had for years that take precedence over hanging out with this lonely pathetic broad named Erin.
I have made so many plans that have fallen through because of this that and the other thing.. mainly things coming up that take precedence over spending time with me.. like other plans people would much rather do.. it's quite a blow to the ego..
If a plan does work out it's because I go in 90%... and the people I do spend time with are usually an hour commute from where I am and we only spend an hour with one another.... it's not fulfilling in the least.. especially when I make all kinds of effort... I'm trying... I am sooo done trying.
I guess I have reverted back to my lonely teenage years, confiding only in journals as they were the only real "friends" I had only this day an age a virtual medium "blog" is my outlet for "release"...
I realize as this goes on and on I sound more dreary and pathetic..but really that's how I feel.. and my blogs have always been raw and real.
Where do adults go to make friends anyway??? the bar? the beach?? Chat rooms??
I never had problems making friends when I was enrolled in some kind of institution (namely school)... but now in the real world... null.
I guess I will just go back to bed.. I don't even know why I got dressed or did my hair this morning...everything I do is vain these days.
See you later virtual void. -Erin.
(p.s.. this blog does not discredit the love and wonderful relationship I have with my husband and my daughter, they are my best friends... but for a girl wired like I am, I cannot have them be the only social interactions I have everyday, day in and day out... I need more... lots more... I am an ENFP (Myers-Briggs) google it and maybe you'll have a better understanding of where I stand)
