Shine Some Light; It'll Be Alright.

Come away, O human child!

To the waters and the wild

With a faery, hand in hand,

For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.

-William Butler Yeats

"Relationships Are Stupid Hard... Ugh"

I found myself texting that to a good friend of mine a couple days ago..

And in  all honesty if there were ever something I am good at it's relationships with people..

Relationships are what run my life.. People are my world. 

And yet... they are hard..

I don't have a more eloquent way of even saying that; 

RELATIONSHIPS ARE HARD.

As I mentioned before the theme for this year's MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) is "We are the Starry Eyed;" which focuses on things bigger than ourselves and aims to give us the tools to find Joy and acceptance in this trial we have called life.. in the dark and in the light of it all..

The last meeting we had focused on how friendships are the basis for survival in this world. A gal spoke on a video about how her relationships with her girl friends was what helped her survive the trials of motherhood, and she stressed the importance of finding and maintaining solid relationships against all odds..

one of the main points she made that really stood out to me was being with your friends through thick and thin, through the good and the ugly.. and really being with them "In this moment" 

 I have never been one for superficial relationships. Being an ENFP... My business is people.... dissecting people, getting to the heart of people, diving in deep with people.. loving them in their vulnerability and in their honesty.. I am here on this planet to DO LIFE WITH YOU.

Sometimes I believe I friend too hard, I can be overbearing, but it's just because my heart is too big for this planet and I need to share it and myself with everyone.

I have that child-like mentality when it comes to friendships.. Kids see another kid at the park run up to them and declare "We are friends now" and start playing like there was never a second on this planet they didn't know each other..

I am that person that sees another human, doesn't matter their age, race, sexual orientation...ANY OF THAT.. I am like "Hey fellow human, let's do life together"

Granted there are personality types that don't mesh well with mine, and there have been some friend break ups along my jilted path.. but a piece of my heart will always be with these people. (more on that to come.. and it ain't pretty beware)

  As a grown up it's really hard to make friends.. in your childhood-highschool your friends are just kinda chosen for you... by circumstances.. you're in elementary school then middle school then highschool.. and you are planted with these kids (granted this really only applies to those non-nomadic people) from kindergarten until budding adulthood.. you have the institution of school, day care.. what have you that kinda boxes you into these niches and within them you strive...somehow.. 

For some these friends are the friends that stick with you on your journey no matter what paths split and wander.. 

but for me this wasn't the case.... let's take a brief bullet point trip through memory lane on the topic of "friendship and relationships" (Buckle your seat belts.. bumpy ride ahead)

As a child I was very friendly.. I was just a smaller version of who I am now.. but growing up.. my friendliness was considered off-putting, it was obnoxious to some, and over bearing to others, and kids just didn't take to me too well.. 

I was teased a lot.. 

and I mean a lot..

But there was never a moment I didn't want to be friends with these people.. in my heart of hearts all I wanted was to belong...

in middle school the teasing got worse... and even violent. I was tormented by my peers emotionally in unbearable ways...

I felt like the bottom of the totem pole of people that anyone wanted to do anything with.

There was one time I can remember My mom dropped me off at a school dance and everyone turned to me and stopped dancing.. then one girl came up to me, told me I should leave because nobody wanted me there.. I found a pay phone and called my mom and told her my stomach hurt and she needed to pick me up.

I befriended some wrong people at one point and the law got involved (I was innocent though)

But after the law was seen speaking to me, I was not safe.

 the few friends I did have didn't want to be associated with me after that because of concern for their own safety... I ended up eating lunch everyday in the counseling office or principle's office... 

 It wasn't until One day when someone finally spoke up for me... that people started to shift their attitudes about me.. It took one soul to speak up for me. He was the voice for the voiceless and I aim to be one as well.

 The teasing, didn't stop there though unfortunately.. in fact it turned into sexual harrassment. Rumors were spread, names were called, and let's just say I did not seem like the girl to know after some terrible rumors came to fruition

And the interesting thing was I hadn't even kissed a boy.. and half of the jokes and nicknames went over my innocent little head because I had no idea how sexuality even worked.. after all I was merely 13.

All of these things fed my insecurity and by the time I got to high school, I was willing to be friends with anyone who would even acknowledge my existence... so needless to say I liked good judgement in some arenas.

after all, I ever wanted to do was belong and be accepted.. and I think at the root of all of that is all humanity desires...; to be loved for who we are in that we are affirmed, we are made complete. 

Relationships make us whole.

My Freshman year I made friends with upper class men.. and sometimes I would lie and spread rumors about myself that I was experienced in "mature" things.. so that they would think I was cool and stay my friend.

My Senior Year I befriended some younger classmen... we did everything together

We worked together, went to school together, drank together (I know bad), Played hooky together (also bad) did our homework together...did LIFE together we were ONE.

 ButAfter awhile I noticed they weren't inviting me to things and I would catch them lying to me that they weren't hanging out together behind my back... as it would  turn out they had stolen my bank card and were spending it left and right together behind my back..

I broke after that.

seriously broke.

When it came time to pick a University I chose the one furthest away from everything and everyone I knew.

I had a couple close friends that stuck through me through the madness of my youth but when life got too real after high school... things parted... and it wasn't pretty...

I have explained before the metaphor that life is a like a creek; we are all floating down and we are the leaf, bumping along twigs, resting on banks... until the wind changes... these twigs and rocks and leaves we encounter are people, jobs, seasons in our journey... but eventually the current changes and you don't know if you're going to stay or go away, and who is going to be with you in the end...

I have given my heart to so many people... I have had friends for 20 years who ended our relationship over one misunderstanding and another petty conversation.

I have friends I have literally given the shirt off my back to and been there for during some storms in their life only to have me ditch me when the storm clears because of something as petty as a screen play I wrote was misinterpreted..

And when I think of all these people I love and our parting.. I don't regret any of them.. only that fate didn't have us see it out all the way to the end.

And Now I am a grown up... in the real world.. and I have been absolutely dealing with the unbelievable loneliness of it all...

Some people already have their friends and they aren't taking applications for new ones.

Most people are just overall too busy... 

That Fellowship and community that my soul craves.. that F.R.I.E.N.D.S clique that is with me through thick and thin just isn't here.. it's not present.. it's not reality...

at least that fictitious interpretation..

Friendship and relationships look different than our expectations would see them.

They are trial and error, they are light and dark, they are in sickness and health, they are a light in the dim world, and they can make or break you...and each one is a risk..

however being who I am, and even though I've been through what i've been through it is still a risk I will die taking.

Because I love people.

I love what makes you YOU

I love the good, the bad, the ugly, the honest, the vulnerable, the quirky.

I want to hug the lonely

Heal the broken

shine light into the darkness

I want to do life with you.

Don't give me superficial surface level relationships

give me the nitty gritty

because you are made beautiful and unique and I believe everyone has something to offer this broken world in the way of "light" and presence.

I know a lot of my stories were sad and twisted but I don't want you to walk away from reading this feeling as though I am some kind of broken-winged bird.

I have the most unbelievable friendships at this stage of my life. Being a mom, I have mom-friends in all facets of my day and life. I have mom friends at my daughter's school, through mops and through girl scouts..  Slowly but surely my life is becoming more rich with relationships and I couldn't be more grateful for the unbelievable people God has placed in my life at the most perfect of times... Those who see me for who I am, and they love me, ugliness, realness, vulnerability...all of it.. 

I have nothing but hope and love for people in my life now and in the future, and I am blessed.

The series of blog posts that will follow this one will fixate more on different facets and relationships in my life that are real, raw and beautiful... I hope you stay tuned.. (I promise they will be more positive and coherent than this one)

But let me conclude:

In the past

 I have built walls, I have torn them down.

I have written myself in circles countless times, confined in a billion journals, and suffered unbelievable heartache..

but I am here. And I have powered through it all.. and I conclude that relationships and people are still my biggest passion..

I have a lot of love to give.

and I am not holding myself back..

so watch out world.

I am coming for you

and I am not sorry.

Dawn is Coming, Open Your Eyes.

And I will wait for you tonight

You're here forever and you're by my side

I've been waiting all my life

To feel your heart as it's keeping time

We'll do whatever just to stay alive -Jose Gonzalez

I guess the September blog theme is "life" but then again isn't that the theme of everything??

Life is a bustling herd of just.. stuff.. happening all the time.. it's loud, it's messy, it's hard.. 

there is no manual, and you will not get out alive.

I have been adhering to that notion of "YOLO" lately, I must admit. I feel like you only live once and life is too fragile and too short to do anything other than that which makes you the most happy.

Sometimes where desire meets reason there can be compromise in most things. Meaning, sometimes it's better to do and ask forgiveness than to ask permission... but not in all things..

If I want to eat ice cream sandwiches  for dinner I will.

If I want to buy that veggie burrito two days in a row.. I will.

Yes I will splurge on that Dutch Bros.. don't mind if I do.

Sit home all day and netflix binge on cooking shows? or clean the house?? NETFLIX.. the house can wait..

In little ways here and there I spoil myself... and it makes the day just a little bit exciting.. if for even the slightest moment I forgo the "rules of life"

are there any concrete rules?? I mean really? asides from the 10 commandments which let's face it.. every human should uphold those no matter what their belief system is.. because in adhering to them, we could all exist peacefully with one another and within ourselves...

but really is there a rule that says no sweets before dinner??? 

yes.. your mom did pound that into you as a child but really she was just trying to help you form healthy eating habits... there are no dessert police in the real world...

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Every day I am striving to re-encounter unadulterated bliss as I had experienced in my youth.

I look at my 3 year old son, and I see the joy he encounters upon seeing a toy he's played with a thousand times and the joy is new each time.. like he has never played with that toy before.

He can entertain himself for hours with one task and be completely at ease and happy in doing so..

He doesn't have to look hard at all for something that makes him happy. He just is. I wish I could bottle that up.. 

"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me."

1 Corinthians 13:11

Do you remember the joy of water??

The joy of getting wet in your clothes.. running through sprinklers, water gun fights.. swimming every day until you turn into a prune?

 I remember as a child that no matter what I was wearing or prepared for, if there was water play I was in it, just like everyone else...

water dries, joy is fleeting, the memories of Joy however are everlasting.

I maintain the same easy going attitude as my parents did when it regards my kids getting wet.. if they are in their sunday best and there is a splash pad where other kids are running about.. you sure as heck better believe I am not going to tell my kids no...

Splash babies splash.. this won't be forever.

Dawn is coming.

Life is short..

but it's not the end.

The bible says several times to have "child-like Faith"

What is that exactly?

well.. I think about my own children.. they have complete Faith in me to protect them, to provide for them, they see safety in my presence, they feel warm and secure, and confident. They can completely be themselves with me and they have the assurance that I love them no matter what.

They are whimsical, and full of Joy, and they aren't without question but they are complacent in not knowing everything...

This is How Jesus wants us to come before Him.. in complete confidence of knowing who He is, and that His plans for us are not to harm us but to in fact give us hope and a future... that He is our ultimate provider, and protector..

Several theologies and religions believe that this life on Earth is not our last.. that God has created the perfect world and essentially we all end up there some day.. The kingdom of heaven where we coexist in complete nature with everything, and there is no pain, no suffering, only love, joy, patience,... all of the fruits of the spirit are abundant and in this world.. we will want for nothing..

is it just a fairy tale??

Is this the happy ending we want to believe for ourselves?
or it real??

I have been following the story of Child prodigy Akiane Kramarik for awhile..

Akiane grew up in a very secluded little town,with her siblings and her athiest parents.

One day 3 year old Akiane wakes up and asks her mom who Jesus is. 

Her mom puzzled as to where Akiane could have possibly heard the name "Jesus" responds with 

"I don't know.. who is Jesus?"

the three year old's response??

"He's like a parent"

the conversation ended there that day but over time Akiane intrinsically had more questions.. and she began to draw... not just doodles, and scribbles and stick figures.. but portraits.. 

Akiane begins to tell her mom about these dreams where Jesus comes and takes her to the kingdom of heaven and teaches her how to paint..

her parents are puzzled, and their only response is to listen...

She also begins to write poetry... 

using metaphors, and allegories beyond her years

She writes and paints about the kingdom of heaven and her experiences there.

By the time Akiane was 12 years old her paintings were sold for millions of dollars.

Her parents... had NO CHOICE.. but to believe her. 

Why did God appear to a 3 year old??

He has said that those with a child-like spirit/ Faith are amongst the greatest of Heaven..

and I am willing to bet we all will come to Him with a child-like sense of wonder and trust and love when it comes time .

I feel like my childrens' Faith in me is completely incumbent on my ability to love them.. without condition.. and to love them well. And if my love for my children is only a smidgen of God's love for us.. We should all rejoice... Because Dawn is coming.. 

Open your eyes to the beauty around you.

Find joy in the small things

Sometimes you'll find the small things are in fact... the big things.

Love one Another, be humble and selfless..

eat that ice cream for dinner

drive with your arm out the window feel the breeze catch on your hand as you create a wave motion..

do what makes you feel alive..

Find the Joy again..the Joy and Faith of a Child..

Be blessed.

Be Still And Know

It's amazing how much of the world we live in we miss when we live internally as we do.

I always feel the most at peace in nature.
I have this little chair outside that overlooks the garden in my backyard.. I look at squirrels collecting nuts, neighborhood cats taking naps in my canopy and bushes, I admire the little webs that spiders make in the trees, like canopies, a village, a community.

My ideal place of peace is somewhere, deep in the wilderness, like a peaceful redwood glen. Where I could soak in the sun and the coastal air, and read or write, or just nap amongst the moss..

There is nothing quite as humbling as being somewhere where you feel small, enveloped......rare.

My dad used to drag me into nature a lot as a kid. Being a kid, I begrudgingly would go, wishing I was home with my barbies and nickelodeon, but my dad always had me outside.. whether it was mountain hiking, roller blading by the bay, mountain biking on christmas morning... (really happened, I have the scars to prove it)..

He always got me out into nature, and I think it was something I had to grow to appreciate. When I was 18 and moved to Northern California from San Diego I was somehow mesmerized by it. .. I began to have a love affair with it.

As a child I remember traveling to my grandmother's house.. She lived in a little town of about 1000 people in the North part of this grand state, and her environment was soo vastly different than the bustling city by the freeway I knew..

Every morning my grandmother was up before the dawn.. she would feed her many cats, pull weeds, do laundry, dust.. she was immaculate.. in every way.. and yet there was never anyone around to witness it. I assume she was a lot like me.. anxious in cluttered environments..

But it kind of feels like the effort was all in vain.
It was something to do however and anyway I digress..

The final thing she would do before she rested was feed the birds.

When I would wake up around 8 or 9 o clock, I would always find her sitting on her back patio.. She would have the newspaper, a cup of coffee and be rocking back and forth in her chair, usually with a cat in her lap and her dog at her feet...

I would join her and we would watch all the birds come down to eat the feed she had laid down on a mound in her back yard.. sometimes she would let me throw more seed down and we would just sit there.. watching them... counting the blue jays, and the ravens, and the mocking jays..

We would watch the cats crouch in  the grass and attempt to pounce a flock a of scurrying birds... and we would laugh and be at peace...

the only sound around us would be that of her wind chimes and the mellow hum of hummingbirds drinking nectar from her hanging feeder..

she fed the nature around her.. (literally) and it fed her soul... as it does mine..

One my stays with her I would go rock sliding, nature walking, tad pole collecting.. we would swim in the river, hike along creeks...

it was magical.

My grandmother died in 2007.. it will be 9 years next month.

She was one of my best friends, Not a day goes by I don't think about her.. She fed the whimsy of my childhood more than most people I have known...

after her passing.. I came straight into Jesus' arms.. I was brought to ultimate devastation, and in that moment, I found Him.. I can't explain how.. but I did..

My mother and father growing up were not spiritual/religious people by any means

I went to catholic church with my grandmother when I would visit her but I detested everything about it. The one thing I liked about it was the priest.. who ended up being a child molester...

I was sort of turned off from the "institutionalized" church after that..

When I was 15 my father married my stepmother; a lutheran..  as a way to "bond" I went to church with her on Sundays... It was alright I guess.. I more enjoyed the social aspect of sunday school and youth events however... and the BOYS.

after awhile.. it seemed the next step to take would be baptism...

so that's what I did.
I got baptized..

At one of the meetings with the pastor leading up the easter vigil service where I would be baptized I remember expressing doubts... this embarrassed my stepmother and I immediately took them back and went through with the baptism .. I remember my knees shaking... uncontrollably they shook as I was baptized in that fountain.. but after that I stepped away from the church.

Pretty soon all my moral fiber went out the window.. I fell into a deep depression in my late youth/early adulthood and I made less than great decisions... in the people I hung out with, I was promiscuous, got into drugs... the whole shebang..

my life was in a downward spiral... I didn't even recognize my own reflection anymore. I described myself as a "pile of makeup" roaming about the Earth. "Makeup" being the great facade that I was existing peacefully within myself.

I was in the deepest pit, and then she was GONE... and everything went blank for a moment.. when I opened my eyes and my mouths to speak... the words "I need Jesus" came to my tongue.

only my mind and body were not on page with this.. my spirit.. the HOLY SPIRIT took over.. and I was not my own anymore.. there is no other way of describing it.

there was no turning back..

Oh man I wish I could bottle it and give it to the world.. but I can't.. my Faith is something completely unexplainable.. and there is no way people could know who I was then and See who I am now, and not themselves somehow believe.

I remember being on the way to my grandmother's funeral and out of the blue my father says to me (choking back tears) that my grandmother had always said I had a lot of Faith...

I wondered in that moment how she could know... When I hadn't even known this about myself..

and I never did understand that until..

Early in adult life my dad took me and a boyfriend of mine for a hike up a mountain in Sequoia national park...
When we reached the peak and looked out there were nothing but clouds below us,..
The Sun was setting and the colors bounced off of other peaks that breached the blanket of cloud..
I looked out in wonderment at it all and I felt warm... and safe... and small..... my spirit was filled up and in that moment... I knew..

"Be Still, and KNOW.. that I am God"

He is Big, and we are small.
The planet around us is a gift, given to us from the divine, and He is a beautiful artist.

God talks to people in different ways, depending on how they will hear Him..

whether it's  a burning bush like Moses saw
or Nature, or Music, Art, other people.... (think Joan of Arcadia)

but in order to recognize Him, we must first open our hearts, open  our minds, open our spirits.. to soak alllll of it in..

and when you do..
it's glorious I tell you.

Glorious.



Be blessed friends. XOXO

The Solid Rock I Stand.

How does it feel

How does it feel

To be on your own

With no direction home

Like a complete unknown

Like a rolling stone

Sometimes I have all of these ideas bouncing around and I hope that if I write them down they will all begin to make sense of one another...

You know that "rug pulled out from underneath you" feeling?

I have experienced that quite a bit in the seasons of my life... It's those moments where the shit hits the fan that you grow the most. They are storms, with rainbow endings... even if you're colorblind to them..

I have a wild gypsy soul, I can't help it. My mother lived on a convent, she was raised in woodstock new york, for most of her early child with a whimsical, bohemian artist mother.

Growing up, my mom burned sage and incense; she made little old men out of grey clay and put the incense in their mouths and lit them like cigarettes...

 we had tapestries and bamboo curtains that divided our one room we shared for most of my childhood. 

We spent our weekends at seaside bazaars, collecting shells on the beach, buying hand crafted soaps.

 We danced barefoot in the rain and made love potions out of shaved soaps mixed with shampoo. 

We wrote and read poetry together and talked about everything under the sun.

 We would listen to simon and Garfunkle and Enya as we cruised the coastal highways, salt sea air in our hair, and our lust for life.

I am a flower child. My mother used to always tell me that, but my zest for life and zest for people, and for art; Both aesthetic and performing has always been undeniable... these are things that have always come naturally for me.

My dad is a very practical man, MY mother is a very whimsical woman, these two creatures.. made ME.

I was a rolling stone for much of my life... no direction... really.. I've always been opposed to institutions, structure.. I guess I am rebel blooded... 

I obey authority, but it stifles me, structure stifles me, like a caged bird.

Part of me always just wants to spread my wings flying from one perch to the next, seeing new things, meeting new people, growing in experiences. 

Like Belle from Beauty and the Beast; " I want adventure in the great wide somewhere, I want it more than I can tell"

But this mentality feeds the notion of "Destination Happiness"; the idea that happiness is somewhere else, with someone else... and if happiness is always somewhere  else, it will never be where you are.

Have you ever heard the expression; "Expectations are the Root of all heartbreak"? I believe Shakespeare said it first, but who can really tell anymore?

One of my biggest pitfalls in life has been expecting too much from situations/ people/ etc...
I have the curse of "Great Expectations"..
My dad used to always say I had my head in the clouds, he would tell me not to expect too much from anything so as not to get let down..

this is advice I took to my brain, but life has proven I didn't take it to heart...

I keep doubting the decisions i have made in my life.. because no matter how hard I have tried to achieve it, Happiness/complacency is completely unattainable for me.

that "grass is greener" mentality is strong with THIS one.. let's just say that much..

and things in life are creating heartache for me, because my expectations for them are too high.

things in life have never been as good or as great as I expected them to be.

Sex

Love

My Engagement

My wedding

Motherhood

My Marriage

Adulthood

NONE OF IT.

It would have been better to have gone through life just not knowing what to expect instead of letting my wild gypsy imagination run away from me and create these fairy tale visions of the big things in life..

then when reality happens.. and stuff gets REAL:

Pessimism takes hold of me

my depression spirals

I begin to doubt myself

and my joy is robbed from me.

It's like I said many many times before.. we compare ourselves to the abyss..

we believe that we are failing at life, that we are never where we need to be, that something is greater somewhere else, we are all trying to figure out this puzzle that is existence, we are all trying to make sense of it all, we are searching for that algorithm of happiness..

Let's talk about my husband shall we???

Let's start with the etymology of his name; in Hebrew Ethan means  "strong," "safe," "firm." or "Solid" "Enduring"..

Other interpretations I have seen are "steadfast" "loyal" "dependable"

My husband is the type of person that knows what he wants, his life always had direction, he always has had a plan and stuck to it, In fact, if I think about it.. Ethan has accomplished everything he has set out to do..

What else is "Solid, strong, firm?"............... A Rock!

My husband is a rock, an unbeatable force of drive and intuition...
And I am a rolling stone, with a wayward spirit and no map to my journey, 
And somehow.. Jesus chose us for each other.
He is the ying to my yang
Together we make balance..

In the Meyers-Briggs personality test He in an INTJ, I am an ENFP

Although my husband detests Meyers-Briggs with a fury.. (which is a descriptor of intj's ironically) 

I have to talk about his Score and what that means for Him a little bit.

INTJ is the Scientist.. they are logical, practical, committed, intelligent, emotionally conscious, but NOT emotionally expressive. They crave something to challenge their structure, they like to problem solve, they are Introverted, intuitive, Thinking and Judging.. soaking the world around them in an almost textbook level of application

I am an ENFP; the inspirer.
 my business is people. 
I am social, unpredictable, encouraging, I want to exhort people, motivate people, bring out the beauty in others and the world around me, I want to touch peoples' lives and make a difference in them, I am artistic, irrational (often times), I am a wayward spirit..

So Why do we work together?..........

I challenge him.
I bring something different to his table than he ever experienced in the 21 years before he met me. a Whimsy, a challenge.. something about me stands out.

I challenge his ideas, his principles.. (without compromising them or controlling them, but just offering an otherworldly point of view)

I am a emotional, He is empathetic, He is a good listener and he understands emotions without actually emoting them but he still comes across empathetic

He brings me down to Earth when I have my head in the clouds, but he also gives me practical ways in which to achieve my fleeting goals.

I bring in social situations that challenge him to meet others.

 Here are some bullet points I pulled from a website on why INTJ and ENFP are one of the most compatible romantic relationship pairings despite their many differences:

*the difference in energy levels is appealing to each person... 

I enjoy his calmness, and he is attracted to my social ability to draw in social situations

*both types like to talk about the future which makes it fun and enjoyable to plan a life with one another

*both types enjoy the others' uniqueness

*Because of their organized and scheduled nature, INTJs bring a stability and order to the otherwise messy and spontaneous lives of ENFPS - something that the ENFPS greatly appreciate.

Intj's bring stability
...stability.

Ethan is my Rock.. He is my husband, and the more I think on it, made for me in every single way..

even though He may be a lousy gift giver...

even though He may not want to join me on outtings with people all the time

even though he may prefer to stay on his computer when he gets off of work instead of converse with me..
even though he hates my driving, or doesn't tell me that I am pretty enough, and gets mean when he's hungry

and that he's stubborn as an ox 
I LOVE HIM DAGNABBIT!

People had their doubts about our marriage, we did -pre- engagement counseling, before we even took the step to get engaged.. every moment of our courtship was ordained by God. But our differences and the fact we are constantly challenging each other and butting heads on things outwardly could seem like a really big issue to some..

In fact a good friend of ours didn't want us to get married because we "argued too much".. 
but the thing is.. whenever we argued, we grew, we learned, we adapted to one another..
 when you bring two very different people into a union with two different ideologies and backgrounds.. not everything is gonna be chemical... 
there is a learning curve.. 
our hearts are the anchors however that hold us together.

When Ethan met me, he told me I was a red crayon in a box of grey crayons.
 I stood out to him, 
more than any other girl he had ever met.. 
It was all orchestrated divinely
As we were brought together that fateful day in a cabin in the middle of the woods.. 

and there is no going back.

the thing about expectations is... we don't know what to expect, and we are not driving our lives as much as we would like to think. 

I thought I would marry someone exactly like me, we would have all the same hobbies, we would live in a big glass house on the beach with a California king sized mattress with down comforters and big fluffy towels, and we would have this gypsy garden that our kids would run around in and we would grow old together, with all our friends and travel the world.

I am 28 years old, that's close to 30.. as a child I am trying to remember what I envisioned my life being like at 30..
I definitely wanted to be married.
CHECK...
have 2 kids
CHECK..
have some Cats. CHECK CHECK... 

But somehow I would also be a world famous director/actress/singer/model/world leader with a banging body and tons of cash???

I don't really know about that last thing.. but.. I know I wanted to be friends with everyone I grew up with, and be known and loved..

and although so many different beautiful relationships have dissipated in the midst of my journey.. the important ones.. my rocks.. have stayed.

Ethan is my Rock

and I am blessed. 

  I pray to see things with new eyes, and a fresh heart.. I pray for that whimsy I had as a child to grow and to spread and to share my joy and who I am with the world. I pray to influence people positively starting with my beloved.. my husband.. and to give my kids an adventure in the great wide somewhere...

  This is my heart's desire which You have known since before You created me in my mother's womb. I trust You in Your plan for me and my life, You know what Your plans are for me and they are not to harm me but to give me hope and a future. I thank you Lord. Amen.