The Struggle is Real.

Disclaimer: This is not a happy post.

Lately I haven't been myself, Whoever I am that is.. or pretend to be, I am not quite sure.
Lately I hurt so bad inside and out, I feel misunderstood and lost in my own skin..

thus is my battle with depression.

How I like to view myself: happy, funny, bubbly, social, loveable, friendly, open.

How I feel: Sad, lost, confused, alone, hurt, heartbroken, devastated, sickly, tired.

How I present myself: pulled back, on the outside, quietly extroverted (believe me it's possible), barely hanging on.

I am not the kind of person I would like to meet right now...

I wish so desperately that I could accurately explain this disease that has a hold of me so strongly that I cannot control... it's bigger than me and it's more complex than you could imagine.

Only those who suffer (and I mean that entirely) SUFFER with this can even have a glimpse of understanding.. for each disease is specially programmed and different for each person..

suffice it to say, I feel like crying all the time.
I can't sleep, I can't eat, and this morning I was made to feel I cannot lead either.

I don't have my sh*t together enough I presume, because I am open and honest about my affliction and in order to lead and help others you must (at least outwardly) appear to have it all together...

how awful.

Since when is being honest a crime?
perhaps I should revert to confiding back in journals solely again.

I feel like nobody takes the chance to really get to know who I am,
maybe it's the superficiality of people in southern california, but they see one side of me and don't take the time or energy to see the whole picture.

I don't think my affliction should define me.. I am more than my depression... I am multi-faceted, I am human.. so what if my brokenness is more apparent than others'... we're all broken.. we all broke in the fall.

I wrote a 3 page poem this morning trying to describe my depression, hoping that maybe someone would be able to read it, to relate... but it was just jumbled up arbitrary words.. like a fingerpainting of literature.. abstract but without any real aesthetic appeal..

maybe I will burn it later...

ho hum.

I made a lot of new acquaintences/friends lately that I feel really don't see much about me to keep them around.. maybe because I only have the strength to offer up half of myself in relationships and my whole self is just a facade at this point.. or mirage.. whichever is more fleeting.

listen to me.. wahhh fucking wahhhhh
oh woe is me.
My life is perfect, I have the perfect husband, the perfect house, the perfect children I am the picture of perfect health.. the american dream.. right?? right????

what is the american dream anyway??? at this point I don't think it's anything I want. after all according to a health website : "Approximately 20.9 million American adults, or about 9.5 percent of the U.S. population age 18 and older in a given year, have a mood disorder"

the country with the most, suffers the most... at least emotionally, mentally, phisiologically... yada yada yada...

Lord restore the joy within me, show me how to live sanely, healthily, joyfully....

What is that even like??
I can't eat, I can't sleep, I cry so hard sometimes I want to vomit. I feel guilty..

I have so many blessings and I don't even have the strength or chemical balance to enjoy them..

I want to enjoy my beautiful life...

I don't want to feel this way anymore.

Make it go away.
Please
Please God.
Please.