I Am Gonna Love You Til' It Hurts, I Don't Mind If I Do.

Clearly I am in an indigo girls funk, No explanation as to why, other than their lyrics both old and new are REALLY speaking to my spirit right now, so no shame in my game.

When I told my friend Ben, that I had been listening to non-stop indigo girls, his response was "Who hurt you?" followed closely with "what's her name?"

I have been on a spiritual journey as some of you have read and/or noticed.. this season is full of ups and a lot of downs, but I am scooting on through, I have survived every single one of my worst days so I think I am good.

with the coming and going of this looming feeling of demise I have been battling, I have also had a renewed perspective of how I want to live my life, what I want my mission to be.

I guess you could say, I am moving forward with a viewpoint similar to one who may have had a near death experience.

I started to analyze the ways I connected with people, the types of people I was drawn to, how those people feel love, how I can love them better..etc...etc...

I realized, their is no real human similarity in the people I connect with, being that I don't discriminate against race, gender, sexual preference, age...

I then began to realize that I don't really notice those things, like they just don't enter into my psyche on an analytical level.

Clearly I know if my friend is gay, straight, trans, male, female, older, younger.. I do see those things and know those things but they do not implicate why I have connected with those people.

They don't matter to me I guess...

I hope I am explaining this well.. let me elaborate a little.

I see spirits... not people... and no this isn't a Haley Joel Osmont moment of "seeing dead people"

When I am attracted to a person, it's my spirit being drawn to theirs... and when I say "attracted" I do not mean sexually..

in fact sexuality is not second nature to me.. let me get back to that later...

what I mean to say, is my spirit recognizes itself in others. There is a light that they let show, that draws me to them... in fact my friend Uziel recently taught me that it has been scientifically proven that we each emit a small ray of light, and that light cannot die....

it can however be dimmed... and we don't shine the brightest if we don't feel understood, loved, safe, trusted, those sorts of things.

In different seasons we attract more to our light than in others...(think about that on your next coffee break)

but back to how I connect with people, or spirits..

I am lead by love, I at one point asked God to break my heart for what broke His.. and I will never forget that prayer, because it was answered....

be careful what you pray for... because if you knock the door will open...

I love with such a powerful might, that I know only the entity that created me, could also share it... and gave it to me.

I love so intensely, it physically hurts.
my loyalty is one of my strongest traits,
because if I was to betray or hurt anyone, it would literally kill me.

I cannot tell a lie.
I do white lies for surprises and such,
but keeping secrets or withholding truth, is very difficult if not extremely painful for me.

I could never get away with trying to lie to my mother because she could physically see me getting sick as I told it.

And I would get sick.

She used to tell me she liked that my stomach hurt when I lied...
I always thought that was a weird thing to like, until I got older and realized there is a lot of FALSE Truth and lying in this world...

and I am glad to not be a part of it.

I am an open book, I over share, I hold nothing back, I speak my mind, my heart, my spirit no matter how vulnerable it makes me, or how many times I might be taken advantage of..

It doesn't matter to me. Because I know I loved them well.
They may not love me at all.. but I loved them well.

My spirit has been on fire lately, my small bout of mortality and the passing of my friend has sent me into a frenzy.

my mission is clear, I need to find new ways to love people, and always strive to love people better and more often.

I guess you could say that's a resolution, but I think it's more my life's purpose.

I have connected with soo many diverse spirits, and all are beautiful and unique and different.

Let me tell you a couple little stories... Sit down and get your comfy blanket and some tea or coffee.

Once upon a time...
Jk

Last August I went with my husband to Las Vegas for the Annual Defcon (a hacker convention), A lot of really unique spirits attend to learn more ways to be secure in the cyber sphere or just to learn cool and fun ways to hack different things, and to test the limits of what can be hacked... because in doing so, we can find loop holes and fill them.. that sort of thing.. There are different talks in convention halls that teach about all different kinds of things that you can think about, and of course.. there are PARTIES. And I am talking Big parties, Suite's rented, Penthouse's Rented, Hotel Pools Rented... Parties that have live music, or Djs, Open Bars, Parties that cost thousands of dollars..
It's a fun time.

   But last year was special. As soon as we arrived, I started to feel out of place, I needed to find what tied me to this place, to these events... There were so many different and diverse spirits there, but finding a way to connect to them felt really overwhelming... I had my husband and my friend Christian there... but they wanted to go to different talks or this that and the other thing, so unless I wanted to be glued to my husband's side like a lap dog, I needed to find my place in this convention.
I began reading through the itinerary/ magazine of events and contests and such and I found that they had a film contest, and from the description of it, it sounded like anyone could do it. You could film from any devise, you could have ever so many people in it, there were a couple stipulations, like the prompt was chosen for you, you needed to say such and such, you needed to use _______ prop.. etc... it sounded very-much like a film contest that I participated in a couple years at Chico State when I was there getting my degree in Media Arts. At the end of the description it said you needed to register in person by 11 am on whatever date... the date I was reading the magazine.

   I looked at my phone.. it was 10:30.. I had a half an hour to find this place and register for this contest...  When Asking around I found that I needed to go to the Planet Hollywood hotel and find where the contest hall was.. so off I went, by myself through Vegas.. I walk down the strip a ways in 115 degree heat, past the topless girls on the side walk, and the monks trying to get me prostitutes, (Vegas is a shithole btw) and I arrive at the Planet Hollywood Hotel, I walked through the cigarette smoke infested casino and into a lobby where I found some Goons. Goons are what we call the "helpers" of defcon. I put helpers in quotations, because although they are there to help, they also just like to fuck with people.... For instance one was squirting hand sanitizer into people's hands telling them they needed to keep the Vegas germs away, but instead of hand sanitizer coming out of the Purel Bottle, it was straight up KY Jelly.. Yes folks... a goon squirted lube into my willing hand......
..........
.........
Never again..

SO anyway, I found the Goons and asked them to direct me to the contest hall.. They pointed the way and I speed walked my way through a long corridor, I turned right down another corridor and found a big sign ahead that said "Contests" and was relieved to get there in time... only thing was... NOBODY WAS THERE. I asked around and nobody even knew about the film contest, or who was running it, there was no way to contact them, I had a burner phone anyway, I just felt lost and defeated, so after waiting around for like 15 minutes I decided to walk back to the Flamingo where my husband and friend were waiting in line to buy SWAG.

   By the time I got to them I was close to tears...
feeling extremely exhausted and sad honestly...
 In the middle of explaining my story of woe to Ethan and Christian, I happened to look up and see two gentlemen through a crowd of people wearing neon orange shirts that said "film contest" on them...
So Mid-explanation I found myself darting towards these men. I ran straight up to them and in some jumbled garble of language, I somehow communicated with them that I wanted to be in the film contest.

They quickly informed me that there was an entry fee of like $200 and my excited feeling dimmed.

"We actually had two people drop out if you're interested in joining our team, it's already paid for".. they said..and I almost couldn't believe it.
Of course I accepted and they told me where to check in and BOOM just like that.. I was in the film contest.
   I got their phone numbers, and learned their names.. they were going by aliases as most do at Con... and so they introduced themselves to me as Drpwnsu (dr. powns you) and Momo. I was like SWEET and we went our separate ways for the remaining of the evening...
 In the morning I got a text from Pwnsu that we were going to be meeting at 1pm in the Rio hotel... (which was a ways down the strip) So I had to take a lyft... This was my first time taking a lift by myself... and I was taking it to a hotel I had never been to, with some people I did not know, my lyft driver was concerned I was getting catfished or something, but I assured him it was quite alright, I was letting my intuition lead after all..  Once I get to the Rio, I make my way up to smashburger on the top floor, which is incidentally right across from chipendales.. Fun fact.. So I took some selfies in front of the chipendale "wall of men" and then Saw that Momo had arrived....

Momo, as I later learned was named Steve... and Pwnsu as I soon learned was named Wayne.. So I am going to address them as such now.

  So Steve walks up to me and says Wayne is on his way, and we order some burgers and sit down. He and I ordered the exact same thing, even to the things we added to our food, so we chuckled at our similarity and got to talking. Steve and Wayne live in a rural town in Wyoming, they work for the same tech company and are there for work purposes, they are supposed to see a certain talk to learn some cyber security things for work... but they also were really passionate about this film contest and Wayne and the people who are throwing the contest are good friends.

 Wayne arrives and he is wearing what looks like a blood drenched lab coat and a freaky mask that covers his entire head... He walks right up to us and says "This is how I do defcon, I've been here the last few years, and I am sorta a legend... people take selfies with me and blah blah blah" It turns out Steve also has a disguise... he bought himself a MOMO mask from the Halloween store down the street.. thus the alias "momo". For most people I think in a situation like this, they would be weirded out... but my mind and heart are so open to experience and learn about new things and new ways to connect with people, that there is nowhere for me to place judgment on them.. To me, their spirits are kind, goofy, creative, smart, interesting.

 We spent the rest of the day driving around Vegas, buying props and costumes, creating a story board, and we really got to connect. I really enjoyed learning about these beautiful spirits.. and of course I did take a lot of pictures of people wanting  pictures with Wayne and Steve in their Horrorish garb... It was a day full of splendor when I think back on it, it was so fun, and I felt safe and free...

There is so much joy to have when you just accept things and let life happen.

but the next day I woke up and I was sick. Coming out both ends, and I was completely debilitated. Food Poisoning had me down for the count. I sadly texted Wayne and Steve and told them I had to drop out of the contest. They were sad, and they had to scrap pretty much the entirety of what we had planned for our movie, but they were still determined to film something and turn it in.. and hopefully win the awesome prizes and get some street cred.

I felt awful, both physically and emotionally.. I felt I was part of this beautiful thing, and I felt for certain that was why I was there, and why I felt called to this contest... and I just started to doubt everything.. I felt like a total failure...

 Around Dinner time though, I began to feel better so I went out to dinner with Ethan on the strip... When lo and behold we ran into Wayne and Steve dressed in full garb, standing around taking pictures with people. I ran up and hugged them, and apologized for how things worked out, they were a little bummed and a little tipsy, because apparently they got disqualified from the contest.. they didn't have enough people on their team and they didn't turn in their movie on time.. I felt awful for them, but I told them we had a lot of fun, and I was glad to have spent that time with them..

  the next day Wayne texted me asking if I wanted to go swimming with them, and I answered yes, but got no response. I waited and waited.. still no response... hours passed.. I texted Steve... I said "Wayne hasn't been responding is he with you?" to which he replied... "no... I lost him"... "What?" I asked... apparently, Wayne was really upset about how all the contest went down and wanted to confront his "friend"/runner of contest.. when the guy agreed to meet with Wayne at Planet Hollywood, Steve dropped Wayne off on the curb and went to go park his car.... only to come back to NO Wayne. He had been missing and out of touch for hours... Steve was freaking out. Wayne had been missing for about 6 hours at this point and so defeated and worried about his friend, he went to the bar for a drink, and I told him I would join him. I went down stairs and joined Steve at the bar and ordered a bloody Mary, and then listened as he recounted everything that had happened that day, and where Wayne could possibly be...

 I decided to distract Steve with a discussion about Myers-Briggs and pretty soon we had made our way over to the smoking lounge in the Paris Hotel, so that he could take the assessment and find out what his MBTI was... We took the test and it turned out he was an INFJ, which is one of the types my type ENFP is really drawn to. They are like counterpart spirits.. ENFP and INFJ and INTJ .. I told him.. no wonder I felt like we had such a strong spiritual connection.. I then began talking briefly about how I Identified as the Sun... it's kinda a weird topic, but my Alias was Sunshine so I wanted to explain a little.. I showed him my sun tattoo, told him my middle name was summer, that people have always called me sunshine or told me I was the sun in their life, or that the sun made them think of me.. or Sunflowers made them think of me. it goes on and on... but I told him.. I am the Sun... And just then he got really quiet.. he grabbed his phone and signed into his reddit account and handed it to me... Right there on his profile page he had written down in detail, how he identified as the sun, how even sexually he identified with hydrogen atoms bursting and forming, and combining.. it was ASTOUNDING.  I had never met another person in my life who said they identified with the sun.. and in that moment I began to cry.. I felt like I had found my long lost brother or something. It was amazing. We sat there and talked about life a bit, he smoked some cigarettes and then realized he ran out, so I got up to go see if I ask someone to bum a smoke. We were in the smoking lounge and that's why everyone was there..So I got up and I found this adorable looking couple sitting in a booth, both young, attractive, objectively, with this aura of celestial, Earthy, Peace... that's the only way I could describe it.. I asked them for a cigarette and the gentleman told me he had just smoked his last one... He had these beautiful Sun and Moon Earrings on and they were gold and immediately caught my attention, I complimented them and then told him I was a cancer, and we started talking about horoscopes and astrological charts... things that interest me.. but then I thanked them for being kind and walked away... when I got back to Steve I told him.. "I didn't get you a cigarette, but I found some people and I really want to keep them" and his response was "go get them"... So I walked back over to the couple (Arthur and Hailey) and I went straight up to them and just said something like.. so.... I want to keep you, can I keep you? and they both didn't miss a beat and said "yea"... so they joined us where we were seating and for the next 3 hours we had this incredible time connecting.... eventually I found out that Hailey lived in the bay area not too far from me, and that she and Arthur used to be roommates before he moved to Vegas and they had become best friends... Arthur was however planning to move back to the Bay and when he did we should all get to together...

It was all very exciting. I knew I would see them again. I knew this wasn't the last time. I knew it in my heart... But I did have to leave, because I had a flight the next morning, So I told them I loved them... Literally.. I told them all.. "I have to go, I love you" and I left.. feeling on cloud 9, because I had just bathed and shared in some beautiful and unique spirits.

 We did end up finding out where Wayne was btw.. long story.. but he got arrested... for minor drunk and disorderly charges and possibly charges for giving out free alcohol in the casino.. which is not allowed and  he was in Vegas County Jail... not sure if that's the whole story.. but alas.. it will have to suffice.

 When I got back home, I texted Arthur and Hailey quite a bit.. I had connected with Steve also, but that fell away pretty quickly, unfortunately that was a tie that had to be cut... it hurt, but it needed to happen...

 But Hailey and Arthur had convinced me to start a youtube channel where I just talked and shared stories and such.. Hailey's exact words were "If you had a youtube channel where you just talked and told stories, I would watch the shit out of that" and so my youtube channel. Erin Does Stuff.. Was born...

 We talked briefly here and there, Hailey, Arthur and I, but a few months went by where we didn't talk at all.. Fast forward to recently, Hailey texts me out of nowhere and says, "Arthur is back, let's hang out this weekend..." and without hesitating I said "yes" and packed a bag and within a day was joining them in the Bay... When I got there I noticed Haley had cut all her hair off, and within a few minutes she let me know why... She told me when I met her in Las Vegas she was struggling a bit with her sexuality and her own gender identity... she felt lost and couldn't really piece it together.... some time passed and she finally found herself in the identity of a Male named Uziel. Haley is Uziel, the pronoun we use when talking about him is "he". My only take away from this was how happy I was that Uziel was finding himself. and finding happiness in his self. Uziel is not the first Trans or semi/trans person that I have had the pleasure of knowing and I was happy, to be informed of a way I could love him more, by acknowledging his identity, and loving it, just as I loved the previous identity... and of course I am just jubilant when spirits I love find joy, wherever they find it... We are not all wired the same, raised the same, none of us are clones, so none of us share the same DNA, as soon as we realize that our truth, our identity, our perspective is not the only one in existence and open our minds to every other possibility out there, we wont find peace, and joy, wherever we are.. because we would not have been loving completely...
 After that brief discussion, I changed Uziel's name in my phone and off we went... we spent the entire weekend catching up, hanging out, eating good food, and exploring some nice little urban spots in the City, it was incredible.. while we were sitting in a Mediterranean cafe/hookah lounge, I told Arthur and Uziel's friend Tom how I met them, and he commented isn't it amazing what Uziel's light and spirit can pull people together like this? And I never thought about it that way, I was like "we saw each other's light, and I wanted to keep them" and then Arthur muttered " Yes it was very 'casperesque'" (in the movie Casper, he asks Christina Ricci's character if he can keep her".. and I laughed.. because that scene in Casper is the actual scene that made me want to make movies.. I saw it when I was 7 and that was the first time a movie ever made me feel anything and I was sold after that.. I told my mom "I want to make movies that make people feel like that"... alas... time will tell..

One of the things I discussed a lot of that weekend with Uziel and Arthur, was sexuality.. not... like what turns us on, so much.. although there was some of that... but like more of the spectrum of sexuality, the variety of ways people can feel love, feel sexual attraction, Not feel sexual attraction, there was a lot to explore in all honesty... There was more to explore than I thought.. and when I say explore... I do not mean experience... I don't want to experience a lot of things, but it is good to be reminded that they are out there, because I don't function in the ways that a lot of people do.... Sexuality is something that is very prominent on this planet, it is the drive, the desire, the you name it of this planet... I don't really... I don't know how to explain this... and I know one of my readers is my grandmother-in-law (HI LOIS) so I need to be careful how I put this.. My intentions with people are not sexual, but because I am so friendly, and forward and open to connection with so many varieties of people, often-times my coming on strong is interpreted as sexual.. like my intentions are sexual, but they never are... I have inadvertently led on, men, women.. even couples (a couple tried to take me home once) because I was so friendly and forth-coming.... and it usually wasn't until someone took me aside and told me how things were being interpreted that made me look back and think more about how I approach people..

I want to connect with all spirits, young old, male, female, somewhere in between.. it doesn't matter, I don't look at any demographic, any objective thing first, I see the light in them I want to ignite and share, and I go from there....

It sucks though because I do come off so strong... I have had misunderstandings, I have had girlfriends think I was hitting on their boyfriends, because I was super talkative and chatty with them and I may have reached out and touched their arm or shoulder or something to get their attention, or what-have you.. I have to realize that I don't have the boundaries a lot of people have, and understanding the boundaries people have and respecting them is another important facet of love...

Sometimes my spirit gets really excited with another spirit or the pursuit of connection that the demographic thing doesn't occur to me and I need a friend to be like.. "He won't talk to you because you are a married woman, and he is a married man" and even though I know and God knows, and most my friends know my intentions are never sexual, in fact sexuality is not second nature, Connection is first and second nature to me... I have to respect that there are boundaries, and human "faux pas" (Sp?) that I need to acknowledge and avoid....

My relationship with my husband is built on complete trust.. he knows how I am around people, how excitable I am, how affectionate I am, and he knows, i'm never pursuing anyone sexually... I told my friend the other day when we were discussing this, that if I were sexually interested in someone... they would NOT HAVE A DOUBT IN THEIR MIND. I would be OVERTLY sexual... you wouldn't have to read between the lines or interpret my intentions... you would know... and there is only one person that sees that side of me, and that's my husband...

 After writing this all out, I feel like I should come with a user manual, and Disclaimer or something, because I feel like demographic barriers, relationships statuses, gender and sexuality do get in the way of me trying to just ultimately connect with someone... when I do have the opportunity to go in deep, with someone and they really get to understand me, and we can understand each other, I don't have to worry about how my intentions are interpreted, there are people out there who understand me, and those people.. are my people...

Its pretty simple, you may be too much for some people, but those people aren't your people... I read that once.. and I never forgot it, also.. You may be the sweetest ripest peach on the tree, but there will always be someone who doesn't like peaches... Thinking about these quotes reminds me, that I am fine.

 I am who I am, I strive to be better everyday, I am open-minded, compassionate, spirit-led, spirit-driven, and I love people.. I love people sooo much, and I wish I could connect with as many people as is humanly possible in a lifetime, to get to know more about the world around me, the world that exists within all of us... that's my mission.... So far, I've found some beautiful spirits, and I am looking forward to finding more...

So to quote my favorite Song at the moment; "Share The Moon" by: Indigo Girls (shocker)

"Hey la la

I'm gonna love to you till it hurts

I don't mind if I do

Hey la la

I'm gonna love you till it works

I've got no mind to lose"

The Closer I am to Fine.

"And I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains

I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains

There's more than one answer to these questions

Pointing me in a crooked line"

-Indigo Girls (Closer to Fine)

Disclaimer: Thought train. Buckle up.

New year Musings: 2020

My thirties seem to be a whirlwind spiritual journey. As I reflect on the last decade, I have grown at an incredible rate spiritually.

I have fallen in love, gotten married, given birth twice, (not in that order..but still), I have moved 7 times, made countless friends and lost a few, I have had some cross that spiritual divide and leave me in this plane, I have made friends that opened doors of my spirit that had been closed forever, who entered my life to help me tear down walls, and who let me know that being human was being beautifully broken. I have made relationships, lost relationships, held onto things that I needed, let go of things that I didn't, learned more who I was, and stopped denying it.

Relationships are the most important thing to me in my existence, It was Mother Theresa who once said: "If we have no Peace it is because we have forgotten that we belong to one another"

We are all connected, in a beautiful web or tapestry of a greater truth. 

I have been having to face a lot of things in regards to my own mortality lately. As you saw in my last post, a good friend of mine passed away somewhat recently and unexpectedly and it sent me spiralling into this crazy spiritual experience, I all the sudden felt so connected to the spirit that was my friend, he spoke to me, spoke through me, laughed at me, smiled at me, as I wept for his loss. He has held me, reached out to me to reach out to his loved ones, filled me with more love than I can almost handle.

I went through a period of time that I was convinced my time was up as well, I started to see things as signs of my own demise and for a good week or so I was convinced I was going to die. Turns out anxiety is also rampant in your grieving process sometimes, but since I realized I cannot predict my own death I have just started to focus on what my spirit was trying to teach me or show me.

I believe that the spirit is infinite, it is an energy that cannot be created and cannot be broken, all of our spirits are this undying energy. If it leaves this plane in one form, it can enter as another, I believe in the man and the spirit that was and is Jesus, but as I tell most my friends I am not a conventional christian, I am more spirit led than scripture led, my spirit, the holy spirit that lives in all of us, is the same spirit of the creator of everything, if we are in touch with our spirits we are in touch with almost anything you can fathom.

A lot of western theology puts God and Christianity or religion in a box. I believe most religions are just simplified versions of a greater truth, all religions are created almost equal by the creator of everything, and each religion speaks some truth to its followers, but in a language that their spirit understands.

The language of love and peace and truth are not the same for everyone. 

God is the same today, yesterday and forever, I don't believe in one true religion, I believe in truth when I find it, when I discern it, I have had several spiritual encounters with Jesus, but I also feel connected to energy that modern simplistic religions cannot explain, or don't even mention.

I figure none of this makes sense, it's all very new to me.. My mom and I were recently talking about universal salvationism, and I think that's highly where I stand.

I believe that God is love and love is real.

I believe that every time you love someone you are using the hands of God.

and when I say God I am talking about the life force that created everything .. it's just easier than saying, "universal life force" (plus it makes you look less crazy)

I believe that your spirit guides you to love, to truth, to where you need to be.

I believe that intuition, and empathy can be important tools in things like prophecies, visions, truths.

I feel very connected to the spirit of lost friend Reece. I hear him ask me to check on his brother, his friend, his father. I have heard him laugh at me, I have felt him smile at me. I know his love is filling me for his loved ones, in a way I cannot explain.

Whenever someone I love dies, I feel like part of their spirit flows through me and for a time, I am on this crazy spiritual journey of revelations in love and life. And I have learned that the grieving process is hard and it hurts, but its also important.

"When Will my soul get it right, has any human being ever reached that kind of light?" -Indigo Girls (Galileo)

This past October I was hospitalized for about a week, because my anxiety sent me into this spiral that had me vomiting profusely, this has happened many times in the past, usually around change or when I am about to travel or have travelled, these episodes started when I was 9 years old. Doctors never had answers for me when I would be hospitalized for days at a time with non-stop vomiting and all my tests they would give me, blood tests, mris, catscans, urine tests would all come back that I was healthy as an ox. SO this last hospital stay I just broke down when they would tell me yet again that all my tests were normal, but I was as sick as I was. I told them. "I don't want to live" and they started to take me seriously. They sent in their onsight psychiatrist and he sat down with me as I explained to him that I have had these bouts of sickness since I was a child, with no explaination and I was losing all hope that I would ever live normally again. It was then that he diagnosed me with CVS (cyclic vomiting Syndrome) it's a relatively new diagnosis, and doctors don't know too much about the cause, some think it's all psychosomatic, or related to mental illness/anxiety disorders, and some think it's gastrointestinal and has only to do with something in your GI tracts, but what it boils down to is that stress triggers a loop in your neurotransmitters communication with your gut, and essentially you get in this loop where you are stressed and it makes you sick, and you cannot stop.. Doctors have for some reason or another discovered however that a certain tricyclic antidepressant has been shown to eliminate or prevent episodes from occurring, and so I was prescribed it. 

When Reece died, if it was before I was taking this new medication, i would have 100% landed in the hospital with a violent episode, grief is a huge trigger, but I was fine, I didn't throw up, I felt grief but I wasn't sick and I knew then, that I was actually being helped.

My husband and kids and I went to Disneyland immediately after the funeral (it was already planned a year in advance) and that trip didn't make me sick either, whereas the last two times we had travelled to san diego or southern california before that, I had been sick for at least a day, and at one point was hospitalized the entire time I was supposed to be visiting with family. 

this christmas break I decided (just this past week) that I was going to drive my kids by myself to san diego so I could see my family,( My mom, dad, step-mom and siblings,)

My daughter was concerned that the trip would set off an episode and she was scared what we might do without my husband there, but I had every faith my medication would do it's job, and it did.

this past week in southern california was filled with personal triumphs. I mean previously I would have become very ill from the anxiety of traveling alone with kids, but I didn't get sick at all... I had doubted myself that I would be able to survive that trip episode free and I was proved wrong. there were a couple times I doubted myself.. Like "oh I cant get out of this parking lot because the spots are too small and I might hit someone" but I did it fine and never hit anyone...and other little times I doubted I could do something and then I was able to do it perfectly... at one point my kids said to me "mom why do you keep doubting yourself?" and I didn't really have an answer.

I think at some point in my recent years I just sorta lost sight of how strong I am. I have survived all my worst days so far, and yet, I feel every little anxious moment is the end of the world or something. I have now begun to sorta laugh at myself when I become doubtful, like why would you doubt yourself? You're powerful, wonderful, full of love and light. Trust your spirit.

This visit with my family was so wonderful. I got to spoil my siblings and my mom a little bit, I got to visit my earth sister who is expecting a baby and got to joke around with her, I got to travel and show my kids all my old stomping grounds, my old schools, the places I hung out, ate at, worked at, lived. I took them to my favorite beach twice...

and the second time is when I feel I really encountered a miracle..

My kids had been begging me to go to the beach again, so I brought them down and we sat to the south of the main lifeguard tower. I sat down with my stuff and was playing with rocks when the lifeguard announced over a speaker that there was a strong riptide and swimmers should move north of the tower, so I picked up my stuff, rallied my children and walked to the far north side where there were yet again some big rocks I could sit on, however, the tide began to rise, and one wave hit the rock in front of me and swept over me, so that was the end of that.. I moved further up the beach alongside the tall sand berm so as to keep away from any more rising tides. As I sat there watching my kids splash around, I played in the sand with some rocks and a woman walked up to me and asked me to take her picture in front of the ocean, I took her picture and talked with her a bit, she travelled there alone from arizona and was housesitting and dog sitting for a friend. It was when I was gonna ask her to also take my picture in front of the ocean that I realized.. I DIDNT HAVE MY PHONE! I began to panic, I looked in my beach bag and purse like 50 times, I dug around in the sand underneath me, walked all the way to the south side of the beach where I was sitting before and found a man and his kids playing where I once sat, he said a couple were sitting there before, but that he had seen no phone, I walked up to the lifeguard tower and asked if anyone had turned a phone in, they said nobody had turned anything in that day. I walked up the hill to my car, tore it apart inside trying to find my phone, found nothing. A panicked feeling swept over me, my head felt like it was filled with cotton, my stomach felt like I had swallowed a brick, my legs felt like Jell-O I felt like I was gonna throw up or pass out, I wondered what would happen if I did. Would they know I had kids playing down the beach who had no other guardian? Would I be ambulanced away and they'd be stranded? I decided I had to keep consciousness and I began to pray, I prayed lord jesus, I am asking for a miracle. Please, I am calling on you for a miracle. I went back to where the kids were and saw a woman sitting in a chair right in front of where my rock was, she hadn't been there before and I felt I needed to ask her if I could use my gmail account on her phone to locate where my phone was, I went up and asked her, and we tried to sign in, but because it was on a new device it texted me a verification code... I obviously couldn't get the text message so again I was thwarted. I then had the idea to have the woman text my phone "if found, please return to lifeguard tower" but I felt like the attempt was useless.. I thought.. what am I doing? it's lost forever. I then asked the woman what time it was and realized phone or no phone, we had to leave because we were meeting my earth sister for lunch. Sad and defeated, my kids and I grabbed the rest of our stuff and started to head up to our car, that's when I saw a man standing in front of the life guard tower holding my phone.  I screamed and cried and hugged him and thanked him. he told me he got the text message and that he had had my phone for over an hour, he found it where we were originally sitting. he said he saw me walking up and down the beach in my yellow rainboots but he didn't know I was looking for the phone. I had never been so happy before, I was completely elated. I had envisioned on the beach that a man that looked like him would swoop in last minute with my phone, I knew what he would say or how he would say it, I knew I would be elated, I had envisioned the scenario before it had happened. around the same time that I had prayed for a miracle. My spirit soared. My son kept yelling "this is the best miracle ever" and it really did feel like it. 

in the anxious panic stricken state that I was in looking for my phone, I doubted myself a lot, I felt like an airhead, a failure, I imagined calling my husband and telling him what happened and hearing his disappointment in me. I thought, of course this happened on my first trip solo with the kids, of course this thing went arry, but I also had hope, and faith and a spirit that helped guide me to do what needed to be done and that course of action brought the miracle to fruition with the help of other spirits in people along the way.

that was January 1, 2020. A day I will never forget, and I think 2020 is going to be more full of miracles, and spirit guides, and the love of so many people around me. My new years resolution is to love MORE. to learn more, to trust more, to listen more and to follow my spirit more and to doubt less.

I want to seek out happiness where I am, to realize that the spirit will show me the way, I don't have to worry if I am a good christian for believing what I believe or experiencing what i've experienced. To not label myself one thing or another but just to accept things and myself the way they are.  the indigo girls put it perfectly:

We go to the doctor, we go to the mountains
We look to the children, we drink from the fountain
Yeah, we go to the Bible, we go through the work out
We read up on revival, we stand up for the lookout
There's more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
And the less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine

...

the closer I am to Fine.

Lets Exchange the Experience

"My soul weeps" I write,
"With every aching breath
 my spirit trembles"

Why does the body Weep when the mind and heart have sorrow?

I lost a friend recently,
 his name is Reece,
and he was and is a beautiful Spirit
that will live on infinitely,
 and we will meet again.

I spoke at his funeral,
I felt this calling in my chest,
and I was like
"oh no"
, I was so visibly distraught,
to the point of not being able to breathe,
but here was my spirit
 and Reece's
 speaking within me,
yelling;
 "Just DO IT, YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO!"
 I knew I had no choice.
 I turned to my friend
who had been holding me
as I wept
 the whole service
and I said;
 "I want to speak"
She looked at me
deep in my eyes
 and I could see her checking her own intuition before she spoke
she asked me "Are you Sure?"
 and my spirit said
"Yes"...

  Before I knew it I was up to speak,
 I only remember bits and pieces of what I said,
 for my anxiety was so strong,
my heart was beating outside of my chest
 and I may or may not have blacked out a little here and there,
 but here is what I recall mentioning,
 and a little more for expansion on things,
and my experience with him on this plane of existence..

   I worked with Reece at Starbucks,
off and on for two years,
 (he quit once, then came back),
I used to rejoice when I saw reece was sharing a shift with me,
because in a very anxiety-ridden and tumultuous
 (yes tumultuos, please tip your baristas)
Occupation,
 he brought peace, joy and laughter.
  (FYI: I am gonna use passed tense for simplicity, but I believe all these things are still continuously true)
His Spirit was kind, giving,
 selfless,
 It wished well on everyone
 even those who were not kind to him,
 or that maybe bothered him some bit.
But reece was never angry
 or bothered....
One time his car got broken into,
 his very expensive leather jacket was stolen,
. I remember getting so angry and almost vengeful on his behalf,
 but he reminded me that it didn't matter,
he could buy another one,
they must've needed it more
 and "it's just money".

  Reece will always be remembered as Jubilent,
his smile, laughter and hugs
 were the things dreams were made of.
 He was beautiful, inside and out,
 his spirit just shone out of him,
 and he truly sought connection with people,
 ...he truly loved,
 .......he truly cared,
he wanted everyone to feel known and heard.

Even when he wasn't working with me,
he was in the cafe
sometimes multiple times a day

for about two years
he was a shining light
in my life.
I would always make him hug me before he left
and we would always bicker like brother and sister..

I made him laugh,
and I know this is the same for a lot of people who knew him
but when I made him laugh,
it made me feel like a thousand bucks.

Reece laughed at everything,
he enjoyed people,
he enjoyed life.

I told the congregation at the funeral
 that I considered Reece to be a good friend.
Not in the sense that I saw him everyday
(it had been awhile)
 or talked to him frequently
 (I meant to text him the week he passed away to tell him I was thinking about him but I didn't)

But in the sense
that we KNEW eachother
our spirits recognized themselves
in one another.

Sometimes if Reece was there
and I was on break
for 10,15,30 min sometimes
we would sit in my car
and talk about life.
away from the chaos of the moment
away from the responsibilities of the world
we just connected

His spirit was so compassionate,
it loved with the fire of a thousand suns.
his love for people and life was his driving force.

one day a few of us met for breakfast at a local diner,
and me
(being who I am)
wanted to test everyone to find out their myers-briggs score

Reece was hesitant but willing to take it,
and I could tell he was kinda nervous to answer some questions honestly
in front of the present company
but he did
and it turned out he was an ISFP
"The Adventurer"
the first person I had tested in 7 years to get that score.

Adventurer types are loyal, forgiving
drawn towards things of an aesthetic nature.
they're sympathetic,
compassionate towards animals,
 altruistic
with a lust for life

"Adventurers"
see beauty
in things most people gloss over

to Reece,
 life was trialing at times
but overall
 he looked for
and thrived on
the beauty he saw in others
and in the world around him.

He loved to travel
he loved to challenge people
 to do new things
to go new places.
to break down their walls
to push through their anxieties

..... it was this encouraging side of him
that yelled at me to speak
at his service

And I heard him laugh at me
When I made a corny joke
about wearing the same color
as his mother and sister

I hear his laugh

I know he would be trying to make me laugh
everytime I think of him and get mopey
he never wanted anyone to be sad
he wanted everyone to get along
to be happy

one of his friends or family members said it best,
they said:
It didn't matter what kind of day you were having,
if you saw Reece,
you were having a good day.

When Reece was around,
it was impossible to feel completely unhappy
he brought joy
he brought laughter
he brought peace

He told me
that his brother Shane,
who came in a lot
referred to me as "The Disney Princess"
I took it as a compliment
that I was bubbly enough
or kind enough
 to be considered for such a role.

However one day in particular
I was being "pretend mad"
at Reece
(because we played like brother and sister)
and Shane came in and bought coffee at my register
he asked me if I had seen his brother
and I quickly replied:
"No, but don't check the trunk of my car"
I remember his face being shook
like Disney Princess has a dark side
oh snap
and he laughed
and said I was quick and witty

later on as I was leaving my shift,
Reece pulled up and parked
and as he got out of his car
he yelled to me:
"Hey!"
 "I got out of your trunk"
and I knew then,
that shane told him what I said
and I knew that it made him laugh
and it made me smile.

most everything he said or did
made someone smile.

I consider Reece
a good friend of mine
because of the connection we had together.
we didn't have to be together
or speak often
Superficially
from the outside
it may have appeared
 as if we hardly knew each other
 at all
but I know
in my heart of hearts
that,
 that will never be true
Neither of us sought
 superficial friendships
we sought true connection
 and our common loyalty
recognized itself in eachother

I don't think a day has come or gone
since I met Reece
that I didn't think of him in some capacity
most of the time it was because
I carpooled kids around,
and some lived near him
so I passed his house everyday
Or I would just wonder
how he was doing
and thought about texting him
asking if he wanted to get breakfast again sometime
as a group of course
so we could all catch up
but that will never happen
and its these sorts of realizations
that make me really sad.

I will never get to text him again
hang out with him
hear his voice
hug him
tell him "I love you buddy"
or "I love you brother"
as I would refer to him sometimes
I don't know if I told you I loved you
I hope I did
I try to tell everybody I love them
as much as possible

I just remembered a time
when a bunch of us were at the cafe
and several people were yelling
"Bye reece, I love you"
and I said
 "By Reece, I think you're just 'alright'"
and I think you were mopping or something
but you almost fell over from laughter

you have had to have known,
have to have felt
or seen
that I loved you.
on a metaphysical level
my spirit loved you.
PHILEO- a brotherly love,
an eternal
conditionless
love

This road of grief
will be riddled with healing

Reece's smile
stretched across our hearts
and is now
littered amongst the stars

I will always feel him near
I will always feel warmth in triumphs and cheer

and I will live my life
like love without fear

because that's how he existed to me.



I will leave you with a Spanish "fortune" he got from his favorite cafe in Spain,
His brother said it was loosely translated as (lets see if I don't slaughter it):

Why do we have two Eyes? And Two Ears? but only one tongue or mouth?
It is because we must see twice, and listen twice before we speak.


and his favorite scripture verse:

Exodus 23:20

"See,
 I am sending an angel before you
to protect you
on your journey
and lead you to safety
to the place
I have prepared for you"

I have been listening to this Kate Bush Song for awhile and a line from it has been resonating with me since Reece passed.

It goes:

"Come on angel,
come on 
come on
darling
let's exchange the experience"

I want to hold onto Reece's spirit,
I know he will always be
in and around
all those who loved him
for all eternity

The whole song is actually resonating with me since his passing,
 It's called: Running up that Hill, By Kate Bush.

My other favorite line is:

"So much hate for the ones we love,
tell us we both matter don't we?"


So go Listen,


I miss you and love you brother. Until next time. -Erin.

Pieces of The Puzzle.

shocker. Another blog of self-revelations ahead:

Well.. This is my blog.. for my brain space. SOOO it is a little egocentric but relatable.. I hope..

Anyway..

My mom came to visit for a few days. It was amazing. I was worried it wouldn't be because in all honesty I don't really know my mom. We have always had a very tumultous relationship. Some things in our past are very turbulent, I felt I had to take care of her a lot of my life.. versus the other way around.. It's really hard for me to see her as super maternal in the authoritative sense. So having her here I didn't know what to expect and my anxiety was through the roof. I hadn't seen her in 3 years and to be honest it felt like I was 30 and getting to know who she was for the first time.

Of course we took the myers-briggs personality test.. like.. duh.. and guess what.. she is also an enfp.

This came as a shock because she answered a lot of questions almost opposite of me.. but the test is so smart it sees between lines and where answers fall perpendicular into one another and I have rarely ever found a result with it that didn't match the person I was testing in like the 9 years I have been doing this.

It makes sense though. 
Her flightiness, her intuition her social lure, her everything.. it was me..  
I had a friend tell me once 
"You have never met a stranger and that is some crazy kind of superpower"
My mom is this way too. She also has never met a stranger.

I am weaker in places she is stronger however and vice versa.

makes sense why butt heads a lot.

it was another piece to the puzzle.

I was explaining to a friend Sunday night that I viewed myself as a puzzle piece and everyone and everything was also a piece to this puzzle of this greater picture, this greater story, this greater purpose. I said sometimes I find a piece that fits a side of me I hadn't felt before. I meet this person or this thing I encounter and it makes me feel more whole. Opens more doors. We are all linked, and connected and there is a magic in being one and all with everyone.

After this puzzle piece conversation I went back and read some key points on my myers briggs personality type. "ENFP; The Campaigner"

The paragraph that first stood out was this one:

ENFPs, like all their Diplomat cousins, are shaped by their Intuitive (N) quality, allowing them to read between the lines with curiosity and energy. They tend to see life as a big, complex puzzle where everything is connected – but unlike Analysts, who tend to see that puzzle as a series of systemic machinations, ENFPs see it through a prism of emotion, compassion and mysticism, and are always looking for a deeper meaning.

I was sincerely blown away. I have read my description before but I don't think I really took in how accurate it was. I have read many other descriptors of my type but this one resonated with me completely.

It was life affirming. It truly was. I am on my path, the one I was intended for. I am who I am and the way I am for a reason. For a greater purpose and I will honor what makes my true-self me, and I will not apologize for being who I am any longer.

I continued to read into relationships and again for a second time this paragraph stood out to me:

The reality is that ENFPs’ spontaneity, the seeming inconsistency and erraticism the untrained eye sees, isn’t a product of flightiness or lack of depth, but the opposite – it is a drive to express ideas about a mystical, all-encompassing energy, in the confines of a physical world, and underlying it all is the uniting principle of love, expressed in many different ways, but unshakeable and infinite at its core.

I had shared this before on social media stating that it was one of the truest things I had ever read about myself and I think it still is. It put into words the mission my spirit has always felt called to and I had no way of articulating it before.

To most people on the surface I seem bubbly, goofy, naive, ditsy, whathaveyou. But what they don't realize (if they don't get the chance to truly know me) Is that superficiality and shallowness do not exist within me. I am as deep as the deepest ocean, and I filled up with love, for all and everything. I cannot help it. I love deeply, I feel deeply, I am intuitive almost to a fault, because I sense most everything. I know instantly when I have done wrong, my conscience is on edge constantly. I cannot tell a lie. At least to people I love. And sometimes truth gets me in trouble..

Inadvertently slipping up and hurting others is the bane of my existence. I have to acknowledge that even with the best intentions I am not without fault and I am human and fallible and I need to have as much grace for myself as I offer to others.

When a relationship in my life is suffering I feel the world is crumbling around me. I may have 99 healthy relationships happening but if 1 is hurting Time stops. Everything comes crashing down. It of course has a lot to do with if I may or may not be the inadvertent cause of this downfall or how deeply connected I feel to this individual but regardless I suffer... I sink into myself, I re-evaluate my entire existence. I am constantly defining myself by my relationships with others and how they view me and I really need to ease up on that. I need to be confident in myself and I need to not put everyone I love on a pedestal whilst I am afraid myself to fall off the pedestal I have built for myself in my mind.

Nobody is perfect.
But there is forgiveness
there is grace
there is mercy
for those who know the truest meaning of love.

love encompasses everything
It is anger,
 it is sadness,
 it is depression,
 it is anxiety, 
in it's absence.
  In it's presence,
   it is warmth, 
  it is light,
   it is peace,
   it is joy.

it tends to ebb and flo in our broken human hearts. Some days we are on a high from it, other days we are in the pit from it. Love; True love; Is not without hardship or struggle. It is a constant choice day in and day out. A choice to choose somebody, and say.. I know we're not perfect, I know not everything is great, but my love for you eclipses all of that, and I am willing to fight for this,.. for us... every single day. Because I believe in the power of love.

I am not even necessarily speaking only about romantic love either, I enter all of my relationships with this mentality, this commitment to love in the true meaning of the word.

And even though relationships have not lasted in the past on occasion, Some have ended abruptly or fizzled out or you know, life happens.. but I will never stop loving those people. Never. If I have told you I love you, it is likely one of the truest things you have ever heard.

Now onto kinda another topic.

One of the things I talked to my mom about when she was here was my spiritual openness.
 I told her I love and worshipThe Christian God.
 And I Identify with the christian faith in a lot of ways, mainly in my known relationship with Jesus Christ,
and that even though I personally am monotheistic (worshipping only one God)
 I do not deny the possibility of the existence of other Gods and Goddesses 
and I believe that in most earthly religions there is a different glimpse into a higher truth.

   I told her, I believe there is truth everywhere, There is not one truth, but many. I told her I have always felt like I didn't belong here. That I have felt like an alien in my body and have always imagined I had actually lived before. I told her I was an old soul, And I was worried.. how would she receive this? She has been going to church in the last few years and I was afraid my more liberal way of viewing things could potentially offend her.. But she received it beautifully and she beautifully articulated things back to me. I loved that my mom was not so quick to try to sway my thinking. It makes sense now that she is able to respect my thoughts, and feelings, and be 0pen to them. Because she is also an enfp. And we are nowhere even close to closed-minded.

Yesterday I saw an article on my newsfeed on facebook called "How Souls Choose their parents and families"

and for obvious reasons I opened it and began reading it:

It starts out:

"When you think about your life, you may be thinking about your life from birth to death in your own body.

I want to invite you to expand this idea of life by viewing life in terms of your soul. Your life is not one life, but in a way, it is much life. It is a continuous journey of your soul.

Your Soul Has Been Here Before

According to Buddhism, your soul has been on this Earth before. It may have been here many times, actually. Our souls come to this world time and time again. This allows growth and change. As you grow old, your soul outgrows its contract and is ready for a new one. As your time in this body is over, your soul moves on to.

Our souls are born into many different bodies throughout many different lifetimes to learn and grow. Currently, your soul is occupying this body and working with this mind you have."

Ok..Interest Peaked...

It continues:

 "It may seem like a random chance, but it may not be. Many people in the Buddhist religion believe that what body your soul will occupy, what life it chooses, and what other souls will be in our lives is up to us. As your soul connects to the source, you determine who you will meet again before you return to Earth in another form.

Of course, you won’t remember making this decision. You won’t remember choosing your people. Yet, many believe this is the case.

During your lifetime, you learn lessons. You grow. As you connect to the source, you choose a new lesson. You decide what kind of life you want to live. You consider everything. Based on the lessons you need to learn, you pair up with your parents, siblings, and partners. They will be your guides during your life to help you learn the lessons you need to learn. You may even choose to reverse roles in the next lifetime to learn something new. You may be a parent to your parent, and they will be your child the next lifetime, for example, to learn a new lesson. There are no limits.

This definitely stood out to me.. Because whoa... read the blog I just wrote... I have always felt maternal towards my mother and certain other people. Perhaps I was their mother in another life?

When I spoke to my mom about my willingness to side with the ideology of reincarnation and how I struggled to see how it could coexist with my well... faith.. she reassured me I could believe both. 

We both believe anything can be possible. It is a very conceited notion that humans have a grasp on what is the only truth when it comes to existence and spirituality and so on and so forth.

I personally am behind the belief that all things can coexist.
 I believe we can unite with mere humanity. 
With our potential for love. 
Being right or wrong about our existence or our mission or purpose or destination or fate, is insubstantial. 
If we're wrong, we're wrong and it won't matter. 
If we're right, we're right, and idk.... High five??

We should constantly always seek truth. And we should constantly always choose love. And be kind. These things are substantial. But we must accept that we will not have all if any answers in this lifetime or perhaps the next. And that is ok too. 

Just be a good person.

Love one another.

Love is all we need.