Mothering a Stranger

One of the most honest and hard things to write.


When I was 19 years old I met a boy.. he showed up at my friend's house in the rain and I looked at him and I felt that shift... that shift in the universe that is God calling you to a new chapter of your life. I turned to my friend Kendra and I said "who is that? He is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen" That night he and I sat on a couch in my friend's duplex in dim light drinking tea and talking about everything under the sun...

The next couple months were a blur.. of farmers markets and night walks, coffee houses and train rides, on new years eve 2009, on the other side of the country in -14 degree weather, he and I had our first kiss.. less than 2 months later on Valentines day, we had sex for the first time.. Not my first time, for I had been celibate ever since accepting Christ into my life 2 years earlier.. but our first time and incidently his and the product of that was my Daughter.

 I did not love this man,
 well I did...
I loved who he was,
who he was becoming,
I loved his romantic nature,
 his caring heart,
his inquisitive mind,
his old soul..
 but I was not IN love with him...

unfortunately now the case seemed sealed for me to be with him forever.. I woo'd him, was pregnant with his child and according to him "I lost the choice to marry him when we had sex" I had to marry him.. I was trapped... until a good friend came over and prayed over me and told me I had the choice to leave. And so I did.

 On a warm, still Summer day in August we sat along a creek bed, and I told him I was setting him free... free to be loved by another, free to find someone who would appreciate and deserve his romantic spirit... I was robbing his soulmate of him by keeping him glued to me.. "I love you, but I am not in love with you, can we be friends who raise this baby together" was the paraphrase of a several hour long conversation... after that we got some coldstone ice cream and split ways romantically. He went to all the ultrasounds with me, we had a joint baby shower, I put a onesie on a baby doll that said "#1 dad" and gave it to him to "practice" I scrapbooked my baby book at his house, we attended the same church and bible study and everything seemed to be going fine..

 that was until his mom came to town...

she wanted to have coffee with me and talk to me.. It was a tuesday and we went to starbucks.. She asked me lots of questions like if I was ready? or excited? what my plans were for my life, what my childhood was like.. that sort of thing.. I told her a little of my struggles with depression and my mother's struggles of the same accord and how our mother-daughter relationship was strained at points... She told me she was young when she gave birth to the man that was to be father to my child.. She told me how hard it was and even implied that she thought about going back in time and making another choice, she asked me if I would ever consider giving my daughter up for adoption, she even said the words "what if she grows up to resent you like you do your mother" (which I don't btw) I left that coffee house with my head hung a little lower and went home and cried...


That night at bible study she was there in attendance with "him" after the meeting he said he needed to talk to me in the back room, he told me I could bring a friend, so I did. once in the back  he began... He said he had been giving it a lot of thought and he wanted me to give my unborn daughter up for adoption,  he had been talking with a potential family and  they wanted her.... he had been doing this behind my back.. he then concluded with: "And in a couple of days I am leaving with my mom to massachusetts and I don't know when I am coming back, I have to figure some things out" When I finally found my voice again I responded very bravely and boldly that he could do whatever he wanted to sort out his own life but that my daughter was mine.

I stood up and left and my daughter's and my fates were sealed..She was mine since she was a microscopic cell in my body.. and she would always be mine..

When I called my dad a couple days later to explain everything his response was "does this boy even know you? If he even knew you in the slightest he would know that it would KILL you to have this baby anywhere than with you.. it would KILL you literally KILL you"

When I was about 16 out of the blue my dad said to me, "You're gonna be a mother, it's just who you are, ever since you were born you have wanted to be mother, you came out of the womb wanting to hold a baby"

I have always been maternal, I started babysitting when I was 10 or 11 years old.. sometimes I would watch multiple children and babies overnight.. When I was 16 I got a job as a Summer Camp Counselor and was one for 3 years.... the younger the kids the better.....they adored me, I sang songs, I danced dances, I played games, I felt alive around children...

And here I was about to have one, (it was not under the perfect circumstances by any means,) but it was my child, the fruit of my womb, my angel from God. MINE.

The day came for her to be born and I remember feeling like I was lacking nothing, giving birth to her was like seeing (if only for a moment) what God sees when He looks at all of us, There was no fault, we were flawless, perfect, beautiful, treasured..... I held my newborn in my arms and I looked her in the face, she was a part from me now and looking into her eyes she was a stranger, but she was mine, and she always would be.. I cried and repeated "I am gonna give you the world, I will give you the world"

Life as a single mother was hard.. things weren't over with sperm contributor... he presented me with stipulations and ultimatums to be part of her life but  in the end his intent never was to be. Apparently he called my dad and said if he couldn't have the whole package, me, the baby, the family, the bright shining future together, he wanted none of it all....

And that was his choice... Which I forgive him for 6 years later... He was young, he was scared, we were both ill equipped.. but I thought we were in this together and we weren't...

I spent a lot of time in my mom cave I didn't know how to interact with the outside world anymore, my pastor and his assistant pastors didn't know how to treat my situation, it was taboo and not dealt with or spoken of, never once did someone ask if they could pray for me now that I was alone in this.. I was 20 years old hundreds of miles away from any family and I was poor, very poor, I applied for welfare and foodstamps, and got WIC but there was only so long Katarina and I could live off milk, cheese, bread, eggs and peanut butter... There were times where complete strangers would come and bring me groceries, or leave gift cards to safeway on my windshield anonymously, or there was this wonderful woman whom I had never met who lived in a neighboring town who brought me a crib and a bassinet, the community of people I had was beautiful in hindsight but I was also sooo alone.. and wounded...

It's 2016 and that stranger I gave birth to in November of 2009 is still a stranger to me today... I am constantly trying to figure this person out, trying to understand what makes her tick, I want to be the best mother I can be to her, I want to love her in all the ways that she feels loved, but seeing as we are so completely different it's a day to day battle.

I am independent... I am extroverted but I do things on my own a lot and I by no means need others all the time to entertain me or give me reason to just "be"

My daughter is 110% co-dependent she needs to interact in stimulating/ constantly changing activities with other people every second of every day, if she isn't trying to numb herself in front of netflix..

When I was a child I played make believe in my room, I played with barbies, and dressed up and had make believe hanson brother boyfriends,

My daughter loves puzzles and drawing, and science and math and learning new things, creating new things.. she has a $200 doll house with 50 pieces of furniture that she will not touch. She collects things, her favorite animal is the snail, she likes card games and computer games and shows about animals... She does not like to dance in front of others, but she loves to sing in front of people, She has a voice that needs to be heard. She is a leader, she is head strong and steadfast in her need to be heard, and get what she wants, she will negotiate with you until you are in your grave, and she will fight you on every single little thing and shrug and roll her eyes at you or pop off at you if what you're saying does not mesh well with her idealistic reality.

She exaggerates and is highly sensitive and emotional.

When I was a child I was a follower, I was the meek one that wanted to love and please everyone, I got trampled on by others and I still loved them despite it all, I grew up feeling I had no voice and I never really voiced an opinion.. If I ever did circumstances of my childhood would have me regret it... I never felt I had a voice and it took many years to recover that lost voice.

I currently love to dance. I would dance professionally in front of others if I was even remotely good at it. I love being the center of attention, I thrive on a stage, I like to sing, but I like art and music and crafty things "artsy fartsy" is what my dad used to call it.. I don't like math or science, or more like I am not good at it..I like make up and reading and writing, my favorite animal is the cat and I am really organized, I like to rest and sleep... this is who I am,

She is my complete opposite on so many levels and she is exactly like me in so many others... (Like for instance we are both clumsy.).. Sometimes I am like "there can only be one!" and other days I am like "who is this stranger?"

I yell at her , a lot... whether it's two strong headed females arguing over some redundant thing or it's one of us being strong headed and the other being annoyed at the other... I go to sleep in tears most nights wondering how I can be more graceful, more understanding, sometimes I have to look at her old baby pictures and remember how much I love her, how she is my treasure, my sweet baby girl, and she is sweet, but she is also very challenging to be around at times... And for her I guess I am too.

My cousin who has a son with special needs posted this meme that said "behind every child with special needs is a parent who thinks they are messing it all up" or something like that.. I commented "behind EVERY child is a parent who feels the same"... Not disregarding the fact that her struggles with her son were very unique and challenging, but just drawing attention to the fact that parenting is something we should all in solidarity understand is  a challenge.

Being a parent is trial and error, it's making it up as you go, it's doing what is best for you and yours and hoping for the best outcome, it's learning how this person works apart from you, learning about who they are intrinsically and loving them in that place... all of this is much easier said than done,

As a parent you have these bars of expectations.. you don't intend to but you do and these bars are constantly not getting met and it's like William Shakespeare once said; "expectations are the root of all heartache" 

I spent my whole life learning how I work, how I tick, how to keep myself happy and functioning somewhat well, and now I have these whole other people in the mix.. each are different than me and each have different passions, desires and needs...They have their own set of likes and dislikes, things they are good at and bad at, things they enjoy doing and things they don't, they have their own tastes in food and music and anything and everything else...

I always feel like I am failing, that I am doing one thing or another to scar my child for life, I am trying to raise an upstanding young person or (now) people, and I am constantly in fear I am messing it all up.... I wish I had some conclusive advice on something I have learned in my 6+ years as a mother but I think I will just close with this... Life as a mother is a fight, a constant battle... but I will fight the fight as long as I live.. I have been fighting for her since she was conceived and I will fight for her and with her until the day I die. (same with my son)

My dad wrote me this text once when we were talking to each other about life and parenting etc... (My siblings are 5 and 3) and when the topic of my struggles with Katarina and my graceless spirit with her came up he said something that completely shattered something inside of me in a good way.

We were talking about me as a child this is how it went:

Dad : You were the best most caring, beautiful soul ever, ..you were the best baby ever...for real.. and kid... and great teen.. but others hurt you and I want to f*cking kill them for that but couldn't.... I learned a lot about human nature through what happened to you..."

Me: "I love you daddy, you're making me cry, these days I wish I could channel that soul I has a child before it got tainted bu the world, I am lacking in a lot of grace, I have anger issues with Katarina, she drives me to the edge, I want to be gentle and meek, I want to be calm and collected like Kristy (my step mom), I want to be THAT mom, but I am not. I'm wore out"

Dad: "Yea that happens, can't help it, just take deep breaths, Kat is so smart, it's going to take extra energy from you, but in the end keep your cool it'll be good... she's special, there's a reason for her in God's mind... You're her shephard, it's meant to be and you're meant to be for her... remember that, to me she's always been the special chosen one. For what?? Idk, but we got see her through, you're the important piece of the puzzle.. good job."

this was especially striking for me as my dad doesn't really identify with "religious" things.. he is more spiritual.. it's hard to explain... anyway..

There is a plan, there is a big plan, one that we don't know of, or our part of.. but there is and it all works out for good. I know it does.

I believe God speaks through people, I sincerely believe that, I believe he has appeared to me through many people in my life, and to tell you those stories would be a whole other blog entry, so let this suffice.. God speaks through people and to people in ways that they will hear him.. In this case He spoke through my dad

It was like God saying ;"I see all of this, I see what you have went through and are going through, and it will all be ok, you're doing great! We've got this" 

I want to be the mom my daughter looks back on and doesn't resent or have negative feelings towards, I want her to remember the good things, how I love her without condition, I want her to see how I have and am and will do anything for her.. I will fight for her until the day I die, (and my son too) because as much as my children may feel like the end of me at times they are also all of me.. they are my world.

Lord I pray for understanding, I pray for eyes to see and ears to hear all the ways my children and husband and friends and family and complete strangers on the streets for that matter need to be loved, I pray I lose my spirit of doubt I pray for boldness and strength in this role of mother.. one of the toughest and (I am told) most rewarding jobs out there.. Lord I am learning, I am trying so hard, I want to figure it all out, I want to know the plan for me and my daughter, I want to know why I am here, why she is here, why you chose me.. but since I can't know these answers Lord I pray for trust and a peace that surpasses all understanding.. and Grace lord.. so much Grace to withstand it all. Thank you for glances of the beauty you see, and for trusting me with your children, I trust you will help me see all this through and the outcome will be glorifying to your name. Amen.

"Therefore since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us"- The Apostle Paul; Hebrews 12:1

Dabblings and Mediocrity

"And all I want is all that you possess

And all I want is all that I can’t get

And I can’t be, for the things I see

And the things I want and I long to be

And I crave much more than I’d ever need

And I take it all just the way I please"

 The above are lyrics of a song called, "Take These Thoughts" by Chris and Thomas.. That song just popped up  on one of my pandora stations.. and I think it eloquently sang my emotions of the day...

Let me explain how my day went... I woke up to my husbands alarm earlier than I would like to wake up,  My daughter comes in the room and immediately starts arguing wth me about something... my son is banging on his door letting us know he is awake and wants a "milk baba" (which we are weaning him off of btw...) I realize I only have about 5 minutes to adequately make my daughter's lunch and leave to get her to school on time.. nevermind actually getting dressed.. i've been wearing the same shirt for 3 days anyway what's  a liittle longer? But she is still arguing with me about something and a baby is still screaming at me, and my husband is telling me to change his diaper and I am going to lose it..

 a couple minutes later...

I managed to some how feed the baby breakfast while making the lunch and get my daughter out the door and to her school on time in the miracle of all miracles.... I came back, changed and dressed the baby rinsed out the old coffee grinds from the coffee grinder,  and coffee machine, poured some grinds in the grinder... just enough..not too much because last time I put "too much" and made the coffee really bitter... 

I poured the water in, turned the machine on and turned around to clear things off the counter,  and then I grabbed the very full trash bag and took it out through the garage into our side alley.. I walk back in and  Ethan is fidgiting with the coffee maker... I jokingly ask him "did I do it wrong??" and the response was that I did.. apparently I shifted the tray that held the grinds and the spicket wasn't where it was supposed to go and water was pouring all over inside the mechanism and grinds were floating into places they weren't supposed to go and then after a very frustrated  one sided discussion about how I messed up the coffee my husband leaves without saying goodbye...

I turn to wipe down the counter and see my kitten delilah sitting there staring at me... she tilts her head to the side and for a moment I pretend she is communicating with me that she understands and I just lose it... I break down into sobs and spend the next 2 hours in the fetal position  crying my eyes out..

I feel like I live a life that does a lot and achieves a lot.. but it's nothing that gets noticed. 

 it's a marathon with no finish line, it's a bunch of things that are humble and frustrating and challenging that get achieved over and over again and I feel proud of but there will never be medal.

I am a mother, a homekeeper, I am unpaid, and unsung, my challenges day in and day out go unnoticed and are relatively unknown..

I dabble in hobbies...

I am an enfp according to meyers briggs

my attention span on topics or desires or passions is thin..

I dabble in this I dabble in that and I flourish in mediocrity.

I have dreams, many dreams, but none that will come true because I can't focus on one long enough to achieve it.

The love language I speak is gifts.. I love giving people thoughtful heartfelt gifts, I love learning about people, their quirks, their desires, their little hobbies/interests and find them a gift that will speak to them, that will show them how I love them because I was attentive and took the time to learn about them and think about them and this trinket is a token of my love for them and my appreciation of their existence and our friendship.

The Love language I feel or desire the most (as in receive from others and it speaks to my heart) is words of affirmation and quality time.... I feel loved by people when they reach out to me, want to spend time with, want to get to know me, who will offer their being to my life, who I can connect with, fellowship with...  and tell me how they appreciate my friendship and acknowledge the things are good about me and affirm these things are good about me, so I can feel I am achieving some level of goodness in this broken world...

Words of Affirmation may just be the most selfish of love languages.. and of course I have it... I need you to acknowlege my greatness, tell me I am fabulous, that I am the best there ever was, at this, that and the other thing... I want WORDS TO AFFIRM THE PRIDEFUL THINGS I THINK OF MYSELF IN SILENCE.

ok so it's not like that... but you would think it was judging by the fact very little people speak to my heart in that language.. and today I was questioning my very existence, and why this is so sparce... 

I came to the conclusion that there is no reason to affirm me because I am just a big old pile of mediocre. Maybe if I was great at something there would be a reason to tell me I am great.. but the thing is I want to be the best at everything and I am not the best at anything because like the dreams that won't get achieved I can't stick with anything long enough to succeed greatness..

I want to be a great beauty blogger, but the truth is I only started really trying to learn about or wear makeup about a year ago... so I can't qualify as someone who can give tutorials,  or really advice...

I want to be a great writer but I don't have the attention span to write a novel..  (much less this blog entry) I have about 10 half written novels.. one I started 7 years ago...  and never got past the 3rd page..

I want to be photo blogger, but after about a month of the blog I started I got tired of it and stopped...

I have a million small half ass achievements and not one great thing to call my own..

although yarn might be my super power, I can make anything out of yarn.. I just wish it was a faster process so I could fill more orders and achieve more... etc..

anyway, I have been feeling really down on myself.. like I try so hard.. soo soooo hard.. but it's never hard enough, it's never going to end in a complete recognizable success.... and I am just so tired.. so tired of setting the bar too high for myself... and not reaching the bars of the others in my life.. I can't even make coffee right... how hard is it to make instant coffee?

I didn't grow up in a domestically trained household... Not to say we lived like savages, my parents just had me really young and separated when I was really young and the split homes had very different regimes, and ways of keeping house, or feeding ourselves... and I didn't have a steadfast example of what it meant to keep house, or cook homecooked meals, or even make coffee...

Everytime I do the kids laundry and put it away, or clean up toys, or spills, or take out the trash or do the dishes or cook a new homecooked meal or even learned a new trait in the kitchen I feel like I have learned and achieved so much and grown so much and rose so much from the ashes that I want that to get noticed.. I want the small stuff, the busy stuff, the hard stuff, the mundane stuff, the everyday stuff to get noticed, I at least want to be affirmed that what I do matters, that I have worth, that I may not be the best at anything but I am "just ok" at a lot of things...

I ranted in text to a friend about all of this earlier... sometime during the 2 hour long fetal sob fest....

Her response was to look to God, to try and see how He sees me, how He loves me despite my shortcomings, and my mediocrity, that I may not be perfect but that I am loved and treasured but the King of Kings... and quite honestly this wasn't very helpful at the time...

I responded "I am not in the right place for that kind of thing" and I was being honest.

I was in the pit... anyone who suffers with depression knows the pit... it's a level of darkness that only time can pull you out of... and the time differs each time... and the truth is when we are talking to people there is nothing we think they can say to pull us out.. we just want to bring them to the point where we are.. to bring them one step closer to understanding the darkness, because in inviting them to our pit we become one step closer to not being 100% alone in our thoughts/feelings/depressive state.

But you know what.. she is right... now that I am out of the pit.. I realize I have been so focused on myself.. worried about my own pride and worth and value to others and myself.. when in the large scheme of things once again.. it's not about me. I am just a cell of the body of the creator of the universe and all together we form one miniscule aspect of His GREATNESS.. We are His.  we are not our own of our own huge purpose.. we are of our own small purpose but it is the paint stroke of the overall masterpiece and therefore just as important as the next...

I pray today that I lose focus on myself, I pray for a less selfish outlook on well.... everything.. I pray for more gratitude for the ways and the languages that people do show me they love me.. even if it's not my specific love language, even if  they may not outwardly express their love and appreciation for me I must have eyes to see the ways that they are trying to show me these things. I pray for eyes to see and ears to hear that which God has intended for me, because when I am left to my own accord I end up in the pit... Lord be my guiding light always to cast out the pit and show me the truth especially when I need it the most, I am grateful for friends who speak the truth in the face of tribulation...even another's tribulation... because seeds of truth that are sown will always blossom eventually. Lord I pray for others who struggle with depression and a little sense of self worth that they see the truth and the light when they need to as well. Thank you lord for this day, and for those who have ears to hear and eyes to see and mouths to speak truth when it needed... I really am more blessed than I will ever realize and I pray that I don't take too many things for granted. Amen.

I'll leave you with some quotes and stuff on mediocrity or "generalists" or average every day non prodigal people .. :-p

 and for those curious about love languages here is a helpful chart:

Objects in Mirror are Closer than They Appear

I've been reflecting a lot lately. My family and I just got back from a trip down South and I ended up leaving my purse and it's entire contents there (including my phone), as my husband pulled over in 30 degree weather and we shivered and wiped down our puke riddled 2 year old.. I stood back and reflected on everything for a moment and I shouted out loud that; "There better be some divine reason this is all happening!!" In hindsight my setbacks were clearly minor in the long scheme of things.. but I was frustrated... be it first world frustrated or human frustrated.. I was frustrated. 

Sometimes when (excuse the French) Shitty things happen you get so wrapped up in them that you can't see any good coming out of them... I could only focus on the negative, a sick child, a cranky husband, a missing purse and a phone that was my connection to the world around me.. gone...

it sucked.

Having my phone away from me was hard at first, I had to go back to basics for things.. my phone is something I am scarily highly dependent upon and I think that's the case with a lot of people this day and age... I use it for a map, for an alarm clock, it's my research at my fingertips, it's my way to numb myself with silly little app games, it's my way to connect on social media any split second I want, It's how I photograph the world around me, it's the engine from which I share every little mundane thought that entered in my head.

And not having a wallet caused me to have to get crafty as well..

Luckily I had my husband home a couple more days to help me acclimate the world around me sans technological convenience... 

I still had my laptop to message people on Facebook. I still had Ethan's phone to call people should I need, and his credit cards to pay for things like my oil change and such... 

but then I was on my own... for a few days, I had to ask people for directions, I had to depend on the kindness of strangers to assist me with their search engines a couple of times like in Joanns when I needed to know the size of hook I needed for a Crochet pattern, or when my post office was down and the recycling center was out of order and I needed help finding another one...I had to talk to people, interact with the world around me... go figure. 

And some things I just needed to figure out for myself. I needed to be more conscientious of the time... I had no alarm to wake me up or remind me when to get Katarina from school.. I actually had to be aware of where I was in the world and what time it was there... GO FIGURE AGAIN.

Why am I saying all these things? you're asking.. get to the point already, we don't care about how you "survived" sans phone for a week...

well... not having a phone cleared my mind for a lot of things, I was more present, I was less attainable, and it was all sort of refreshing.. it caused me to reflect on myself, as a mother, as a wife, as a person and as a friend...

the latter being the reason for this blog..

without my phone I was unattainable for most of the day, whenever I wasn't near an internet search engine.. or Facebook... I wondered to myself who needed to get a hold of me? Who would notice my absence.. 

A motif in my blog entries is my reminiscing of past relationships and how they went awry, I am constantly trying to piece a million heartaches together and maybe in the process become somewhat "whole" again.. but you know what? the truth is... I am broken.. utterly broken and so are these people I have loved, all these goodbyes I've had to say.. they sucked.. but they are life...

The thing is life... real life.. in the real world is not high school, it's not college... if you don't have the friends you made in those establishments with you today, you have a dime a dozen people in your network.. the reality is... being adult is lonely. those good friends I have are few and far between... and those that i've lost.. ( being the way I am intrinsically) I will weep for until the day I die.. sadly.

More simpler times....

Someone posted a meme on Facebook today, it said, "there's a reason the rear view mirror  is so small and the windshield is so big, the places you are going are far more important than the places you have been.." another person posted.. don't look back you're not going there... or something like that...

I live in the past.. I set the bar for the present based on the happiness of the past, and how it was in good times, I also pave the insecurities for the present based on the bad times that happened in the past.. no matter how we want to accept it or not the past does define us in someway or another.. the trials we have faced, the storms we have gone through, the sunshine we have danced with... it molded us into who we are today, so why is reflecting on things frowned upon?? After all the side view mirrors (used to say) "Objects in Mirror are closer than they appear" SO look back, who you were isn't too far from who you are.. learn from old you, grow the present you and strengthen the future you.

When I got my phone back I had no missed calls and one text message... this realization although silly.. made me feel even more disconnected from the relationships around me.. I felt free without my phone and then in one split moment it has me under it's power again... contemplating....everything about myself.. wondering if I was someone people even wanted to get a hold of, or who people wanted around.. Wondering about the footprint or fingerprint or whatever it is I am leaving on this planet... a boy I grew up with died around this time last year, I decided to visit his Facebook page and read what people were writing him... they all described him as an inspiration, a positive light in their lives, someone who made the room shine with gladness and hope, someone who was selfless and warm and loved...

I wondered who I was? What impact do I have on those around me?? Is it positive?? negative?? AM I a big loud ball of drama?? or does anyone really see the real me.. passed the depression, passed the mood swings, passed the swarm of emotions that affect me on the daily... 

My husband loves me without condition, my ins and outs, my pretties and my uglies... he has seen me at my best and at my worst and he has loved me each moment and all of those in between.. that is how God designed Love.. for everyone.. we as a human race need to love each other at that level.. without condition, look past the brokenness in everyone and see what's beautiful in there.. if someone is cranky or depressed or straight up crazy, there's a reason and there is a human in there.. one that just like everyone else needs to be loved, desires to be loved.. love is the ultimate driving force of everyone...

It's the beginning of the year and as cliche and cheesy as this all sounds here instates my resolution.. I want to leave a positive mark in this world,.. starting from within me, spreading to within my household and out the door.. to everyone I meet. Relationships with people are my very driving force. The way I am I was built for relationship with others, to love and care for and be a listening ear to others. Not to judge, but to love... everyone... to exude the fruits of the spirit to everyone I meet.. peace, love, grace, mercy, patience...

I haven't been the most patient and gracious wife, mother, friend, human.. I have been quick to anger, and I have hurt myself along with others in this selfish, broken human behavior...

 Lord I pray in this year and the next that I become more like You. Giving, forgiving, gracious, merciful, Patient, Steadfast.. I pray for more optimism, to combat this depressive state I fight on the daily.. I pray for more gratitude, for every broken part of me to be mended slowly until I am the initial pot you intended me to be. Amen.