Welp.. that may be me..
You Know what kind of people I don't understand? The kind that don't give 2 shits about what anyone thinks of them. What kinda Kool-Aid are they drinking and where can I get some??
Erin here. Live from the pit again.
Today is a Low Serotonin day, and lately I have been having those, at least the episodes are pretty dark... But unless you have walked in it I don't think I can explain myself eloquently enough to gain empathy.. if that's what I was even going for here.. but it's not.
I don't know what I am writing, honestly I usually go in with a plan and a synopsis in my brain.. but this is just flowing from my brain, probably ineloquently and with poor grammar as well, I am sure.
Here's the thing. I am a broken record, I could sit here and tell you how I am enfp, whose love languages are quality time and words of affirmation, I could tell you that my love tank is on half empty (or should I say full.. never really been the optimist) I could tell you that my spiritual gifts are empathy (Mercy) and Exhortation (lifting other's up) but that I myself am just a broken shell of a person.
I Could tell you how I weigh my wealth by the amount of love I give and receive on a daily basis, that my happiness is made or broken by the healthiness of the relationships in my life.
I could tell you how words harm me, more than anything ever could, and probably more so than they do most other people.
I could tell you that sometimes I put my self-worth in the hands of other people and let their words define me until I believe them.
I could tell you that as much of a heart I have for relationships and as much love as I have in my being... I don't really have a lot of people I can count on to be there for me..
I have lots of surface level relationships, a handful of deep meaningful ones (although they are all long distance) and now as I see it, some superficial as well...
Let me tell you about the past few days...
WELL CLIFF NOTES VERSION AT LEAST
A few days ago, I thought my family and I had the opportunity to do something fun and exciting.. and although I should have, I did not heed my father's message to "Not get my hopes up, so I won't get let down"... because that's just what happened.. I got let down.. but not really..
I let the people around me down, by roping them into my illusion, my hopeful, giddy, not for certain future...
It felt like I made a bunch of promises to myself and a few others only prematurely... and then all of those promises were broken in the blink of an eye.
I tried to recover quickly, I tried to pick myself up, I tried not to show my husband of my weariness and sadness, because if he paid witness to it, that would make me selfish.
I tried to cry silently in the shower, only to be asked if I was "okay"...
I am never okay. okay?
I just pretend better most days and on rare occasions there is something that might actually make me feel actual joy.
When i was in high school I went out with a group of people after a play. We were all Thespians, big on acting and theater, we chaperoned presentations, did dance performances, improv group.. all of that.. I thought these people liked me and I liked them. We were all laughing and singing to songs until I notice them all have an eye conversation with each other I wasn't a part of... then one of them wanted to play a game.
The game was the truth game and you had to say the truth about how you felt about every single person in the car. So if it was someone's turn, everyone had to say how they felt about that person honestly, and then we would go on to the next person...
Everyone had a turn, there was lots of laughter and hugging and then it was my turn... and nobody wanted to talk... or they did but they couldn't find the words... finally someone said.. "Honestly, you're kinda a pity whore"
everyone else jumped in.. "Yea , you're always feeling bad for yourself and trying to get others to dote on you"
"Yea"
Yea"
"Yea... you're a pity whore"
I was not aware I ever drew attention to superficial needs I was having.. I was a very private person actually, only confiding in Journals about the honest and real and sort of tragic aspects of my childhood and youth that i didn't feel I could tell anyone about.
Even today, there is not another single person on this planet that knows the truth of my young life... and there may never be, those things will go to my grave.
But I have always had a melancholy aura about me... like there are wounds I just can't hide.. even if I wanted to.
And I crave a love and an understanding that most people don't have the capacity for, and so in many ways... I am alone.
I don't think I set high bars for people, in fact, I think I set them low, because I am weak.
I have been known to do many things for just the love and acceptance of mere strangers.
I care superficially about how others view me, see me, think of me. I always have, and I fear I always will.
Now let me tell you about the type of friend I am.
I am the type of friend that will never stop loving you no matter how much you shit on me, beat me, dessert me..
My physical presence in your life will leave.. I will not tolerate abuse... but no matter what has happened or is happening... I cannot help but love you.
Because if I tell you I love you, it's the most honest thing I have ever said.
I obsess over the broken and fallen relationships of my past... not really those of romantic stature, actually I can look back on that and think oh well, that was a mistake and move on...
but my friendships... My friendships that have fallen... oh how these pang me every second of my existence.
I invest everything in my friendships, I give people my whole heart.. I can't help it. I go.. ALL IN.
I used to have boundaries, I used to have a dam built over my heart, and sometime back in 2007 a boy broke that and the flood gates poured out.
He made me believe that whoever it was that I waas hiding from the world, The true, honest, open version of myself was, It was beautiful, and worthy, and valued, and treasured and loved.
he made me feel like there was a safe place in the world, of authenticity and deep, meaningful encounters that did not harm us but give us hope.
He and couple others made me believe that I could be loved... and I believed them.
Back in late 2008... several of these relationships fell... and some... quite painfully...
The same guy who broke open the floodgates, told me that I was not interesting, and he had lost interest in me.
I had shown this individual more of myself intimately (not physically) than I had anyone else up until that point and what he had discovered and found... was not however good enough for his liking.
I broke.
and...
I am still broken.
Everyday I battle these wounds,
"I am not good enough"
"Who I am is not good enough"
"I don't offer value to anyone's life"
"I am a waste of existence"
When my depression and Anxiety spiral out of control, I become paranoid, that everyone in my life who claims to love me is not speaking the truth and is only superficially saying so. I told my sister in law the other day, "I think most people in my life merely just tolerate me."
I constantly doubt the love of others.
constantly
I am constantly needing to be loved and shown love in new ways, I am constantly in need of being proved of love.. but how can that happen? If I am not willing to see it in the way others are showing it? If I am not willing to feel it in the way they are giving it? HOW?
My expectations are unrealistic and by them everyone will let me down... and it's not their fault.
My anxiety and depression are crippling. Literally. They are a handicap.
I wish I could just wake up and "Be okay" I wish... thoughts and words would not upset me so much.. that so many things would send me spiraling out of control, that there were more things to help these episodes than cause them.. but this is not the truth..
During my breakdown (after I felt I let people down recently),
I picked up my phone (a bad move).. I texted someone I consider to be a close friend, but have always kind of felt in the back of my head that I honestly just roped them into a relationship with me with my very forward friendship pursuance.
I asked them If I could hang out and for almost the 5th or 6th time of asking without hearing back or hearing a solid "Yes or No" I started to add all the scenarios we spent together up and see if I could find anything holding this person to me anymore at all.
Something in my brain snapped....
I felt ignored,
and unloved
and I went on a text messaging rampage.
I sounded like a codependent and insecure freak; the pity whore had reemerged from the hell that she was tucked away in.
I told this friend they didn't like me.
I told this friend they were only friends with me because they pitied me,
I told this friend what (I believed) they felt.
And I spiraled and spiraled and spiraled until it got to the point where even if this friend actually did like me, they probably didn't now.
And I became self-aware...
Aware of how I couldn't control myself,
couldn't stop myself..
this whole other darkness had taken over...
this pity whore had possessed me and there was nothing anyone could do to stop it.
I began apologizing, asking for forgiveness, for showing my vulnerability.
This was 3 days ago and I have not heard from this person.
I am at the point where I wonder if every relationship that fell in my past or is broken is in fact... my fault... maybe loving people isn't enough, maybe even sacrificial love isn't enough somehow...
Maybe there needs to be mutual understanding, significant amounts of grace and mercy and a willingness to see someone else's brokenness amidst yours and to see that you're both broken in different ways and 2 broken people cannot make each other whole.
I need to lean on God more and see that my identity is in Him.. Not these other broken people roaming this planet.
I not only need to know this (which I do)
I need to trust it, understand it, live it...
But I don't.
And here I am in the pit.
Feeling alone
Feeling unloved
Feeling unworthy
Unvalued
like garbage...
I am just where the Enemy wants me. I am everywhere opposite of where the Lord wants me.. I know that.
I have a lot of people in my past and some in present believe awful lies about me. Some so convincing I believed them myself.
I am not to say I am not without flaws when it comes to my everyday demeanor or the way I say things..
I have made one or two bad impressions (probably more)
but I am in fact a good person, with a lot of love to give. And I have more good qualities than bad But just knowing this about myself is not even convincing enough because I crave affirmation from others that they see me, that they can find something in me to love, and if they for some reason can't I deem myself.. unlovable... and this is probably the bane of my existence
I cannot expect anyone to or everyone to see who I am and like it.
It's like my childhood friend has said: "You may be the ripest peach on the tree but there's still someone who doesn't like peaches"
So what set me off today??
I was reminded quite frankly about the very poor impression I made when I first started working at my current job.
My side of the story?
*I hadn't worked in over 4 years
* I had spent that 4 years with only my children
* I made the rules, I made the itinerary, I was in charge
going back to a job where I had to be part of a team.. and not even head of that team.. (bottom of that team) was a culture shock. I needed money and I wanted social interaction and this job was what filled both those needs... but the workplace is nothing like what I expected. To say I was overwhelmed, to say my anxiety was in over drive while I tried to adapt. To say no hard words were spoken to me during that time to make me cry would be a lie.
My first few months at my job were hard. HARD HARD HARD. But nobody else saw it from my point of view, and honestly I didn't see what I was putting out there for them either.
What they saw?
*Someone closed off and assertive
*someone who talked back or didn't want to take direction
*someone who was off-putting and intentionally rude
I had no idea I was putting any of this out there. And they had no idea that my anxiety was my main deterrent during that time in showing them that I had did have initiative, that I could take direction, that I have a big heart, that I care, and that my uncontrollable insecurity was putting something out there that was not true to myself..
and honestly the saddest and scariest part of it all, is most the time I am not aware of it.
I live internally, as most people do...
during that time I was just absorbing direction, trying to build relationships, trying to be proactive, but inside my brain was a circus. And what showed outwardly in my demeanor or language was not agreed upon in my heart.
I have not recovered fully from leaving these first bad impressions, even as I have built relationships with these people over the course of 7 months, it still comes up, or is thrown in my face that I was not everyone's favorite person when I started....
which astounds me.. Because I look back on that time and I think I was meek and frightened and alone..submissive (at least that's how I felt)
but They definitely saw a whole uglier picture... and that scares me..
First impressions are everything sometimes and in any moment, a thought, or idea or feeling, can cause me to spiral and that first impression could be ruined.
Nobody would want to get to know me or try to love me after that....
Who can love someone so outwardly broken and hopeless??
So vulnerable and needy...??
who can love someone like that???
It has occurred to me in writing this that I don't take constructive criticism well at all.. Which is a shame since most lines of work require you to take constructive comments and run with them, grow with them...
but when they are comments about your person.. about who you are... how can you take that and grow? How can that not mold you? or how can it??
I have written myself in circles and I am no closer to the answer..
Is there something wrong with me??
Is there something beyond me that I cannot control that is making these things harder than they should be?
Where can I find the ultimate joy, the understanding and love and everything I desire??
Probably only in Jesus.
Quite honestly.
and I wish He felt more attainable these days.
Welp, I have wrote all that I can and I don't feel more secure in self-knowledge or relief or anything like that, but since I can't honestly write forever It needs to come to an end.
If you read this Pray for me.
If you don't read this... it's probably for the better.
Anyway.. goodnight.
-Erin.
