A Scope too Narrow

"I know what we're doing Friday" My husband texts me the other day..

"What?" I respond

"guess?" He starts the torment

"I don't know you're gonna have me cook and clean?"

"a little of that"

"what else?

"What happens Wednesday may be a clue"

"Are we getting something in the mail we need to assemble?"

"Doesn't have anything do with anything like that you are thinking too narrow a scope on what is happening wednesday"

"I have no idea what that means, Wednesday I am making stuffing and watching the kids"

"Still you are thinking too narrow a scope"

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I'll solve the mystery for you guys... The movie The Good Dinosaur opens in Theatres today and on Black friday we are going to watch it.. assuming it's not insane.

The point of sharing this conversation is that it is a perfect summation of how I function on the daily...

As I posted in the post before this.. I live inwardly.. my entire world is inside my head.. within me... It's not unique to me I know.. but I am realizing now that I live a very self-oriented life even if I don't mean too.. I view things on too narrow a scope.. my world.. whats happening to me and mine.. there is nothing else... 

My problems are the biggest problems, my emotional state is the deciding factor and end all/ be all of mine and everyone's existence.. except.. not really...

the world and the the universe and everything in creation is entirely huger than anything in my little world...

I live in a bubble..

I had a breakdown the other day to my husband... "I am losing myself" I cried.. "My identity as a mother and as a wife and a housekeeper superscedes my identity of self... my identity as Erin.. I am forgetting who Erin is"

Pretty much sums up the 30 minute sob fest..

What is my life?

It is waking up and taking care of everyone else's needs before my own, forgetting I even have needs... forgetting that I have any personality beyond cranky morning mother, or frustrated afternoon mother or overwhelmed in home chef/chaufeur/errand runner/maid/wife/so on and so forth.

The other day I was with a friend and I found myself again.. we were driving and I felt for a moment liberated to just be me.. no filters, no facades, no titles, no responsibilities to anyone or anything.. just to be rawly ME.. and it was so liberating, so freeing, so rare a treat that something inside me broke.. later the dam caved in and out came niagra falls in the form of tears and snot... (my poor husband)

My scope is too Narrow. My whole world is right here... and I want to appreciate the small scope and cherish everything in it so I can also look beyond it at the larger scope, the larger picture and appreciate those things too....

A change has to start inside to work it's way out... I pray everyday that God will change my heart, that He will give me more Grace and Peace to understand and love others... beyond my self.. beyond my inner scope... my scope too narrow.

Lord take my eyes off myself and give me eyes to see what You see, a world beyond my world, a universe bigger and greater and more forceful than anything within me, put my eyes on You so I may see what You see, so I may feel what You feel, to have a heart that loves like Yours and the grace and peace that surpasses all understanding so that I may be more like YOU. I am struggling, internally, outwardly.. Life isn't easy, this world is broken and I am broken I am no exception to the rule... I want to be the best me I can be.. to represent You, to reflect Your love. To be MORE.. more than this petty suburban trainwreck (on a good day) but to be one who loves deeply, selflessly, gracefully. Lord Help ME I cannot do this alone. Show me the way. My identity is found in You.. not in any hardships or humble worldly problems or tasks... Show me the way to Your Heart. Amen. 

The Cinematic Lens & The Weapon of Love

When I was a child I feel like I had a better idea of who I was.
I used to sit in the car and close my eyes and repeat in my mind "I am me, I am me I am me" until I disappeared into nothingness and I ceased to exist.. it was almost as if I went backwards before my conception, before my father or mother's conception before the conception of the world... where there was nothing..

it really put things into perspective. I am this one life. this one life in the floating abyss of lives, existences, come and gone.. each leaving their last breath for anothers' first.. an endless cycle of life and everything and nothing at the same time.

I find that often times I view my life on the outside looking in. I don't know if my paradigm is different than yours I don't know if I really even know what reality is to be honest.

I see myself through a cinematic lens... how I want to see myself and everyone around me, how I perceive them to view me and how I understand that they see me.. like the 3rd person narrative but the first person perspective.. not quite sure how to explain it...

My existence is a craft of sorts, a ball of clay, a painting, an indie film...in the making.. add the perfect song in the right moment and I am lost in the beauty of the idea of what is and what could be ann everything in between.. what is real? What is not? who is to decide?

I am constantly molding myseslf, changing myself, I meet you, I learn about you, I take what i've discovered about you and I attempt to mold myself into someone that you would admire, enjoy, respect.. then the next person comes along and I do the same.. I identify with a thousand different personas with some defining characteristics and a whole ensemble of characters I like to associate with on occassion. How can anyone on this planet be authentic?

Despite viewing myself from the outside my entire world is inside me. I live in my mind I act and breathe through my meek and wounded spirit.. my sensititve soul.. I feel your pain and I add it to my castle of observations i've built inside myself.. the wall gets higher and higher and yet it's permeable for the next relationship to come along and lend it's material.

Who am I? I ask this a lot... quite silly really.. in the bible it says God knew you before the creation of the world, He knew you before the conception of the world, and yet there are billions and billions of life forms all of which he knew before their existence... so how special are we really?? I mean... there has to be a reason we are here, I am not trying to seem all existentialistic, I just can't help but be human and wonder... you know?

At my Mothers of Preschoolers Group (MOPS) I was asked to pick a question from a jar and answer it... as paradoxical as this ended up being, I picked the question "If you could have one question answered what would it be?" I should have answered with "this question.. I would like to have this question answered..." Someone else at the table said "What is the meaning of life?" I answered, "What is the plan for me?" and I added "and I want God to tell me Himself" there was silence for a minute and then the mentor mother that sits at my table responded "So you want to ask God if He is real" My head spun for a moment.. essentially that is what I was asking. IF I just had a concrete larger than life evidence that God himself did truly exist.. then everything I needed answered could be left unanswered because I could be confident that there was a reason, There was a truth out there bigger than myself, there was a plan, there was.... something... and all of this wondering and asking and the questions that plagued my being would not be for non.

This world is a scary place lately, terrorism plagues the planet and all the people are in fear. How much longer will we last in this broken paradise? When will Jesus come down and take us to the new world? Where we can start new... where we all can live in peace with one another and with all creatures of the world.. where we could finally just... coexist... without this suffering, without this heartache...

Fear is the enemy of love.

that is why the greatest commandment is to Love one Another, because True love Casts out fear...

in these terrible times, we must fight back with love.

WE must make something of ourselves, we are cells of the body, we cannot function solely but must work in solidarity with each other to form the body... and love will win. Love always wins. Love already has.

The basic human principle I believe is to loook out for one another, we must cast light on that..

"shine some light it'll be alright" -Jose Gonzalez (Crosses)

Everytime there is one act of terrorism, there is a thousand or more acts of heroism.  Mother Teresa once said, "If we are Lost it is because we have forgotten that we belong to one another"
or something along those lines...

we haven't loss the battle or the war, as long as we stay united in Love, the strongest weapon there is against evil is Love.

So love one another. That is where there is hope. In love.

Be kind my brothers and sisters, together we are strong.