Tired in my bones
Tired in my spirit.
Tired..
A lot of our lives are lived externally these days, on average 80% of who we put out there is a version of ourselves on the internet. (modern times amiright?)
As a beauty blogger, I am all about capturing that ideal version of me I think the world wants to see and sharing it with them.. The perfect lighting, the right angle, the right words and people are sold on you.
or at least the version of you, you give to them
the wallpaper on my laptop says "Live a humble life that pleases God.. Not men"
and even that is hypocritical since everything I feel I have been doing the last couple years has been the complete and dire opposite of that.
Up until recently I never talked about my Faith with people publicly.. I have been afraid of the lashing I would get, that people would look at me, how I presented myself, my past...etc etc and scoff at me... or worse... abandon me..
I fear abandonment a lot.. I want to please men, (The general, biblical definition of "Men" which also includes women) because like all people I desire to be loved. So I offer the people of this world an unattainable version of my reality.. (If I can even call it that)
I don't know about you but this is draining... and inevitably feeds my loneliness which is the bane of my very existence.
I was once told that the secret to success on the internet.. the way to gain followers..(which seemse to be the only way I can be affirmed nowadays) .etc.. is to give people what they want.. and that is the unattainable...
So... I pretty myself up, and I close my mouth about things that matter to me or that are true to me and I just give the people what I think they want...
until recently.
I have been struggling with my Faith and lately certain important areas in my life have been suffering pretty badly. I have been struggling in so many areas within myself, and I have been suffering with depression, loneliness, you name it... it's been a very dark time for me..
In the pit of it all I reached out (begrudgingly) for prayer... I contacted a dear friend of mine and confessed some of my sins and hardships and I asked for prayer.
And I believe she prayed.... because these dams I have built around myself.. internally, spiritually and otherwise have come crashing down and the real me is pouring out.. bit by bit...
I have come to realize that I have been so caught up in the facade I was trying to create for man that I have in fact, lost who I am and what I stand for.
I have been self-absorbed, dishonest, lustful for things of this Earth that I think will fill the emptiness within me, knowing well off that what is going to make me whole is NOT of THIS WORLD. But I've been ignoring that fact for WAYYYYY TOOO LONG. Because just giving it all to Jesus is "inconvenient"
I find that we all put on a facade in this digital age. WE are afraid of how the world will receive who we really are... we want to be liked and we have the world telling us what we have to do to be liked and we completely lose ourselves..
I see it everywhere..
I even catch myself shooting down my daughter on occasion because the things she does that are true to her might not be perceived well or scrutinized by the world and I don't want her to be critical of herself but at the same time I need to warn her about the way people will receive her and I hate that I have to make her self-aware that way.
Why can't she just be herself without fear?
Why can't any of us???
WE only have so many years in our life where we can be true individuals before the world gets to us and breaks us down and tells us who we are is wrong...
I pray to destroy this force that shoots us down.
Let us be who Christ made us to be. Let us be true to Us. Let us be ourselves without fear. LET US BE FREE. IN JESUS NAME I PRAY FOR FREEDOM.
I am so self critical.. as most of us are.. I feel I am not enough in any area of my life.. I am not a good enough house keeper, wife, lover, mother, Jesus Follower, artist, blogger, chef.. you name it... everything I do seems inadequate because all I have to see are these facades of perfection people offer me.. ALL WE HAVE IS THE UNATTAINABLE THROWN AT US.
LET'S BRING BACK REALITY
LET'S SHARE THE REAL
LET'S GIVE EACH OTHER THE ATTAINABLE.
If we offer the unattainable everyone who looks at us is going to run a race for an unknown and non-existent definition..
young boys are going to look only for that size 0 girl with perfect skin, hair and breasts because that's what society defines as perfect and we all just accept it.
Women are going to look for those men who exemplify the men of print and media as well, and with media showing us what marriage, love, romance and life are supposed to look like with these fictitious men, we are always going to compare the reality of our lives to this unreachable standard... we are always going to set a bar too high for our men to achieve, and they will never be what we believe we need and our relationships with them will continue to suffer because we are constantly comparing them to a myth
we as a species, are looking for happiness in all the wrong places, we are looking to the wrong things to bring us value and worth..
Today I went into work on my day off.. I just meant to grab a sandwich and some tea but ended up sitting down with a gal who comes in everyday... one of our regulars..
We shared our faith's with one another and we talked about where our worth is and value, and basically all the things I mentioned here and we cried and held each other.
It was beautiful, it was real, it was honest.... and it was eye and heart opening.
I shared with her how words in particular have the power to make or break me, How with the depression I suffer and my love language being words of affirmation, I am constantly in need of others to tell me I am enough, so that I feel I am enough... So that I feel adequate... TO SHOW ME MY WORTH..
and that is not where my worth is. I am valued, I am treasured, I am loved, I am made my the King most High, I am a princess, I am enough... and if I do everything to the glory of God, I cannot fail..
and that's the thing...
everything I have been doing for the last couple years has not been to the glory of god.
My marriage, My mothering, My work, My business, My blog even my diet choices... ALL of them I have been trying to do to human standard.. to worldly expectation and WITH EACH I fell deeper and deeper into inadequacy and depression... and I am sick of it.
I am sick of trying to be anything other than who I am. I am done with it all. God made me the way I am for a reason, He put the people who are in my life there for a reason, He gave me my husband and my children and my job and everything for a reason... there is a reason I am here, there is a purpose, and I have a dream in my heart that can only be accomplished if I give all the glory to God. If I put Him at the center of everything, everything will come together and I am only sad I had to fall so far behind for so long to come to this realization..
so here is to my new journey,
my journey to awareness
to truthfulness
to self...
to JESUS.
HERE I GO.
Lord let your will be the way in my life. I am ready to be AWAKE! AMEN.
