Tis a fickle fickle thing; the heart

Lately my brokenness has been showing its true colors.. I find myself wanting to pretend I have all my ducks in a row, I want to smile and pretend everything is hunky dory, because I believe this is what people want.

However, it is by no means honest... We live in a broken world; a fallen world... we are broken, and yet we are beautiful.

God created us in His image, he created man to be his strength, to establish a picture on Earth of what it means to be a father, like He is.. the FATHER in heaven.. a provider, a protector.. a lover.

He created woman also in His image to show that He can be nurturing, and emotional.. He is jealous for our love.. He is emotional..

I realize that even after i've reached these revelations over different chapters of love and loss and storms and rainbows... I am still terrified to show people that I am broken. That I am weak, that I don't have all my sh*t together (to say bluntly).

I stumble, I fall, I cry, I have anxiety, I panic, I desire things I shouldn't, I appreciate so little sometimes... and Intrinsically humans weren't meant to experience these things!

These are not the emotions God had intended for us.. these things are the fruit consumed from the forbidden tree.. the knowledge we thought was so wrongfully robbed from us... the knowledge we desired to obtain because we were lied to by a serpent and believed that God did NOT desire what was best for us and held out from us.

Ever since that apple everything has fallen, everything isn't in order, everything... is broken..

and yet, I still want to pretend I am some sort of exception?

Everyone who has ever known me who has ever seen what i've seen... can know that a facade is simply not agreeable with who I am.

I am an emotional being, I feel a lot, I feel more with my heart than my head, I am not the cognitive version of our species... I am the emotional one.

I find that when anyone else lets me in on their weakness, it's beautiful. But whenever I experience it, I think I am hideous... I immediately fear rejection, if I let my guard down I am vulnerable... I am scared, I am a target for more pain and anguish....

Because.. (God forgive them)

PEOPLE have failed in their loving of me in the past... causing these scars to run deep in my being... they were (for lack of a better word) fallible.. tsk tsk tsk them for being human, just as I am human.. Just as I am broken and fallible and have failed in my loving of people constantly!

Today I cried in front of someone... I let my guard down... and instead of being a scared turtle in my shell I opened my eyes and the thought that entered my mind was "it's a beautiful day"

I felt... vulnerable but somehow in my vulnerability I felt beautiful.... I immediately wanted to hold my daughter, to embrace the most beautiful blessing in my life. The most beautiful ever shining rainbow that came after a treacherous storm; an awful gale.

Look to the blessings, that's what's gonna get us through this shattered world.. it's what's gonna open our eyes to love better, to find the glue to bring it all back together, back before the apple, back before the tree, back before the serpent lied to thee.

(the last part was somewhat phrased from a song called no more apple no more tree by Kacie Mcleod)

May we look to the glass half full. May we not fear what we were created to be, may we embrace who we are, what we are, because it's all we've got, and HE will bring us back to Him, One puzzle piece at a time... until we see... the big picture.

God bless you all.