Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Somebody That I Used To Know

As mentioned in a prior post.. my life is measured in love and in relationships.
Ever since I can remember I have loved people without condition, I have forgiven easily, hurt badly and then bounced back up and started loving again....

This is the way Christ loves us... He even loved those who persecuted Him.. and He loved those that nobody else found it in their hearts to love... because of this that and the other thing.

In the past three years I have fallen out of three significant relationships in my life.. with friends.. dear dear friends... all three of these falling outs have been their choices and all were abrupt and without warning.

Some reasons they had fall on the pettier side of reasons to end a relationship..actually all of them do, but that is besides the point...

The point here is that I never properly mourned their loss... and it still torments me today in my sleep.

Relationships are everything to me, I give my all.. those who I once loved will never not be loved by me, and they will always unknowingly walk around this Earth for the remainder of their lives with a part of me... a part I gave them of my free will...

When these people I love choose to leave my life for this reason or another, it's like a cord that tied me to them is severed... and it hurts.. and it reminds.. and it never truly goes away...

My grandmother died about 7 years ago, and to this day I have dreams that she faked her death and is still alive and we reunite and I tell her about all the happenings of my life and we hang out like nothing ever happened.. Sometimes in these dreams I realize that I am dreaming, but it's the only way we get to spend time together so I spare her the fact that she's dead and continue believing instead of letting the truth come to the surface and risking the end of the dream....

Even more common than these dreams of my grandmother are the dreams I have with these three loved ones I've lost over the past 3-4 years... the severed ties..

Today I took a third trimester nap... (getting all my sleep in now before the baby comes) and in this dream it was the first time all three of these "ties" were in the same dream... all from different points in my life, all who didn't know each other.. but we were all together. In this dream I realized and acknowledged that I was dreaming and that my dream was only giving me a small foresight into an alternate reality where they each had chosen to remain in my life.. but similar to the dreams I have of my grandmother I didn't have the heart to tell them that who they were and what we were doing were all an act of fiction played out by subconscious mind... We were simply all going somewhere together in a car... and at one point I started documenting everything (as I often do in dreams) as if I were writing everything into a screenplay.. so that in my conscious life I could share this alternate reality with the world... but as always I wake up eventually and it's all gone...

When I woke from my nap, I got in the car and started driving to pick Katarina up from school... and as I was doing so, my cellphone that is connected to the blue tooth in my car started playing a Pandora station.. and all the songs that were played were reminiscent of the scenario that had taken place in my dream... and the songs (and their lyrics) started to force me to face the reality of it all... that I haven't mourned the loss of these people, that I still cling to a false hope that someday these things will change.. this reality will change... and I need to accept things the way they are... and face them.. even though it's hard...

One of the songs was a song by the Snow Patrol.. I believe it's called "in your arms" and it was a song about longing... about being somewhere in a different place, or time and hoping unceasingly that something will bring them from where they are to that place where they are in the other's arms again... a reunion of sorts... and it was a mixture of the music, the vocals and the lyrics that caused me to begin weeping and finally begin to mourn the way I needed to...

The song after that was a more commonly known one by Gotye called, Somebody That I used to Know.. and I just thought this one was just kinda funny and ironic because it's all about being close with someone and having them write you off.. suddenly.. almost without warning.. and how they go from being this big part of you to just somebody that you used to know... and it was upon listening to this song, that I decided to write this blog...

So hear I am talking about it all in one place.. and letting these wounds surface so they can heal.

Hope everyone is having a blessed day.
Until next time. -Erin

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