The Solid Rock I Stand.

How does it feel

How does it feel

To be on your own

With no direction home

Like a complete unknown

Like a rolling stone

Sometimes I have all of these ideas bouncing around and I hope that if I write them down they will all begin to make sense of one another...

You know that "rug pulled out from underneath you" feeling?

I have experienced that quite a bit in the seasons of my life... It's those moments where the shit hits the fan that you grow the most. They are storms, with rainbow endings... even if you're colorblind to them..

I have a wild gypsy soul, I can't help it. My mother lived on a convent, she was raised in woodstock new york, for most of her early child with a whimsical, bohemian artist mother.

Growing up, my mom burned sage and incense; she made little old men out of grey clay and put the incense in their mouths and lit them like cigarettes...

 we had tapestries and bamboo curtains that divided our one room we shared for most of my childhood. 

We spent our weekends at seaside bazaars, collecting shells on the beach, buying hand crafted soaps.

 We danced barefoot in the rain and made love potions out of shaved soaps mixed with shampoo. 

We wrote and read poetry together and talked about everything under the sun.

 We would listen to simon and Garfunkle and Enya as we cruised the coastal highways, salt sea air in our hair, and our lust for life.

I am a flower child. My mother used to always tell me that, but my zest for life and zest for people, and for art; Both aesthetic and performing has always been undeniable... these are things that have always come naturally for me.

My dad is a very practical man, MY mother is a very whimsical woman, these two creatures.. made ME.

I was a rolling stone for much of my life... no direction... really.. I've always been opposed to institutions, structure.. I guess I am rebel blooded... 

I obey authority, but it stifles me, structure stifles me, like a caged bird.

Part of me always just wants to spread my wings flying from one perch to the next, seeing new things, meeting new people, growing in experiences. 

Like Belle from Beauty and the Beast; " I want adventure in the great wide somewhere, I want it more than I can tell"

But this mentality feeds the notion of "Destination Happiness"; the idea that happiness is somewhere else, with someone else... and if happiness is always somewhere  else, it will never be where you are.

Have you ever heard the expression; "Expectations are the Root of all heartbreak"? I believe Shakespeare said it first, but who can really tell anymore?

One of my biggest pitfalls in life has been expecting too much from situations/ people/ etc...
I have the curse of "Great Expectations"..
My dad used to always say I had my head in the clouds, he would tell me not to expect too much from anything so as not to get let down..

this is advice I took to my brain, but life has proven I didn't take it to heart...

I keep doubting the decisions i have made in my life.. because no matter how hard I have tried to achieve it, Happiness/complacency is completely unattainable for me.

that "grass is greener" mentality is strong with THIS one.. let's just say that much..

and things in life are creating heartache for me, because my expectations for them are too high.

things in life have never been as good or as great as I expected them to be.

Sex

Love

My Engagement

My wedding

Motherhood

My Marriage

Adulthood

NONE OF IT.

It would have been better to have gone through life just not knowing what to expect instead of letting my wild gypsy imagination run away from me and create these fairy tale visions of the big things in life..

then when reality happens.. and stuff gets REAL:

Pessimism takes hold of me

my depression spirals

I begin to doubt myself

and my joy is robbed from me.

It's like I said many many times before.. we compare ourselves to the abyss..

we believe that we are failing at life, that we are never where we need to be, that something is greater somewhere else, we are all trying to figure out this puzzle that is existence, we are all trying to make sense of it all, we are searching for that algorithm of happiness..

Let's talk about my husband shall we???

Let's start with the etymology of his name; in Hebrew Ethan means  "strong," "safe," "firm." or "Solid" "Enduring"..

Other interpretations I have seen are "steadfast" "loyal" "dependable"

My husband is the type of person that knows what he wants, his life always had direction, he always has had a plan and stuck to it, In fact, if I think about it.. Ethan has accomplished everything he has set out to do..

What else is "Solid, strong, firm?"............... A Rock!

My husband is a rock, an unbeatable force of drive and intuition...
And I am a rolling stone, with a wayward spirit and no map to my journey, 
And somehow.. Jesus chose us for each other.
He is the ying to my yang
Together we make balance..

In the Meyers-Briggs personality test He in an INTJ, I am an ENFP

Although my husband detests Meyers-Briggs with a fury.. (which is a descriptor of intj's ironically) 

I have to talk about his Score and what that means for Him a little bit.

INTJ is the Scientist.. they are logical, practical, committed, intelligent, emotionally conscious, but NOT emotionally expressive. They crave something to challenge their structure, they like to problem solve, they are Introverted, intuitive, Thinking and Judging.. soaking the world around them in an almost textbook level of application

I am an ENFP; the inspirer.
 my business is people. 
I am social, unpredictable, encouraging, I want to exhort people, motivate people, bring out the beauty in others and the world around me, I want to touch peoples' lives and make a difference in them, I am artistic, irrational (often times), I am a wayward spirit..

So Why do we work together?..........

I challenge him.
I bring something different to his table than he ever experienced in the 21 years before he met me. a Whimsy, a challenge.. something about me stands out.

I challenge his ideas, his principles.. (without compromising them or controlling them, but just offering an otherworldly point of view)

I am a emotional, He is empathetic, He is a good listener and he understands emotions without actually emoting them but he still comes across empathetic

He brings me down to Earth when I have my head in the clouds, but he also gives me practical ways in which to achieve my fleeting goals.

I bring in social situations that challenge him to meet others.

 Here are some bullet points I pulled from a website on why INTJ and ENFP are one of the most compatible romantic relationship pairings despite their many differences:

*the difference in energy levels is appealing to each person... 

I enjoy his calmness, and he is attracted to my social ability to draw in social situations

*both types like to talk about the future which makes it fun and enjoyable to plan a life with one another

*both types enjoy the others' uniqueness

*Because of their organized and scheduled nature, INTJs bring a stability and order to the otherwise messy and spontaneous lives of ENFPS - something that the ENFPS greatly appreciate.

Intj's bring stability
...stability.

Ethan is my Rock.. He is my husband, and the more I think on it, made for me in every single way..

even though He may be a lousy gift giver...

even though He may not want to join me on outtings with people all the time

even though he may prefer to stay on his computer when he gets off of work instead of converse with me..
even though he hates my driving, or doesn't tell me that I am pretty enough, and gets mean when he's hungry

and that he's stubborn as an ox 
I LOVE HIM DAGNABBIT!

People had their doubts about our marriage, we did -pre- engagement counseling, before we even took the step to get engaged.. every moment of our courtship was ordained by God. But our differences and the fact we are constantly challenging each other and butting heads on things outwardly could seem like a really big issue to some..

In fact a good friend of ours didn't want us to get married because we "argued too much".. 
but the thing is.. whenever we argued, we grew, we learned, we adapted to one another..
 when you bring two very different people into a union with two different ideologies and backgrounds.. not everything is gonna be chemical... 
there is a learning curve.. 
our hearts are the anchors however that hold us together.

When Ethan met me, he told me I was a red crayon in a box of grey crayons.
 I stood out to him, 
more than any other girl he had ever met.. 
It was all orchestrated divinely
As we were brought together that fateful day in a cabin in the middle of the woods.. 

and there is no going back.

the thing about expectations is... we don't know what to expect, and we are not driving our lives as much as we would like to think. 

I thought I would marry someone exactly like me, we would have all the same hobbies, we would live in a big glass house on the beach with a California king sized mattress with down comforters and big fluffy towels, and we would have this gypsy garden that our kids would run around in and we would grow old together, with all our friends and travel the world.

I am 28 years old, that's close to 30.. as a child I am trying to remember what I envisioned my life being like at 30..
I definitely wanted to be married.
CHECK...
have 2 kids
CHECK..
have some Cats. CHECK CHECK... 

But somehow I would also be a world famous director/actress/singer/model/world leader with a banging body and tons of cash???

I don't really know about that last thing.. but.. I know I wanted to be friends with everyone I grew up with, and be known and loved..

and although so many different beautiful relationships have dissipated in the midst of my journey.. the important ones.. my rocks.. have stayed.

Ethan is my Rock

and I am blessed. 

  I pray to see things with new eyes, and a fresh heart.. I pray for that whimsy I had as a child to grow and to spread and to share my joy and who I am with the world. I pray to influence people positively starting with my beloved.. my husband.. and to give my kids an adventure in the great wide somewhere...

  This is my heart's desire which You have known since before You created me in my mother's womb. I trust You in Your plan for me and my life, You know what Your plans are for me and they are not to harm me but to give me hope and a future. I thank you Lord. Amen.