This Time, Don't Assume Anything...

Did they tell you it was set in stone
That you'd end up alone
Use your years to psyche you out
You're too old to care
You're too young to count

Did they tell you, you would come undone
When you try to touch the sun
Undermine the underground
You're too old to care
You're too young to count

Go go go

  The above are lyrics to a song by the Indigo Girls that I have been playing religiously lately. It seemed pertinent to these times because it is talking about how women should not take a back seat to injustices and how they should get up and do something, and fight for what they believe in. It's a very empowering number that will be pertinent (subject matter wise) through the ages I am sure.

Lately I feel like I am in the back seat, I have been for awhile...

Brace yourself guys, here comes another unfiltered unplanned blog post that is probably all over the map.

I have been on the edge of a mental breakdown for awhile now, between family stress, feeling estranged from loved ones, feeling alone, feeling like I don't have many actual people to count on despite the hundreds I see and talk with literally everyday in my occupation, I have been feeling empty.

My Earth Sister Amanda and I went on a road trip through the pacific northwest  a couple weeks ago and it was utter bliss, no schedule, nobody needing anything from us, just us and the road and whatever our hearts or minds desired to do or aspired to do, it was a much needed break from reality, but like every good dream and good thing, it had to end eventually and the break although a bandaid to the pain I have been feeling for awhile now in my soul, in the void of my being... it was just that.. a bandaid....

I have been watching this show "CRAZY EX GIRLFRIEND" on Netflix.. a friend of mine introduced me to it awhile ago, and it seemed like a carefree comedy/musical that would be great to distract myself from anything I was feeling in the real world... I thought it would be a good distractor I guess...

However, the themes of the show hit a little close to home. It's not just a comedy about a girl who travels from new york to a crappy town in southern california and all her tactics to win the heart of her ex boyfriend... it's much deeper than that.. there are underlying themes of feminism, and breaking away from all the misconceptions surrounding people with mental illness, and how humans as a whole are constantly searching for something to fill a void, and the underlying need of all humanity is an ever ending quest towards happiness, and how some of us will go to great lengths and look towards the wrong things to fulfill ourselves, how we look to people to be our saviors, how we put our identities in the wrong things and look towards the wrong things to fix us...  it's all about bandaid fixes...

the main character Rebecca has lots of underlying issues she needs to work out, she is mentally distressed, has childhood trauma from the abandonment of her father and her overbearing and overly critical mother whom she is convinced doesn't love her. The last time she can remember being happy was when she was at a summer camp as a teenager and had this teenage romance with a carefree California boy, named Josh... who breaks up with her at the end of that summer. During a critical time in her life a decade later where she is met with a big job promotion in a job and life that is eating away at her soul she runs into him again and he tells her about his hometown in california and how everything is care free there and happy... She, in her vulnerable state believes that if she goes to california and woos him she will also have all the care-freeness and happiness her heart desires, but she will soon learn that is not the case, and she will learn about bandaid fixes and how it's ok to feel her feelings and her friends learn similar lessons as well...

As addicting as it is to get enthralled and enveloped in her life and the comedy of it all, the themes are pulling at my being and reality is tugging me back...
I also have to face my underlying issues,
I too need to stop looking to others to fulfill the desires of my heart,
 I too need to stop putting my identity in all the wrong things,
I too need to face the storm and overcome it.

I would say the prominent emotion I feel as an adult is loneliness. I think that Loneliness may have been the bane of my existence all my life as well, as a child my parents were not exactly emotionally available, not that it's their fault, they are humans too, broken like me and I am sure they were battling their own demons, but I confided most of my emotions in merely journals, because I felt there wasn't a human soul on this planet that would understand the anguish I felt even as a young child...

I know in my soul that the only Joy I can feel comes from the Lord and from finding my identity in Him, and seeing my worth in Him, but I would be lying if I said I pursued that fact or that it were easy.. It's not...

Everywhere I go I see and feel the suffering of others; the blessing and curse of being and empath. A "Mercy" as explained in spiritual gifts, I carry the weight of the world's woes on my shoulders.. I always have.. I feel deeply and love deeply and things effect me more than normal.. I am also a diagnosed HSP which is an actual thing and stands for "Highly Sensitive Person" it's not the same as being on the spectrum of autism as some people may believe, but it simply just means that I feel things deeply and they effect me more than others... usually..

for instance my day can be made or broken by the words of others... by the temperament of others... where most people can shake things off and separate themselves from the feelings and opinions of others, I let them penetrate my soul, I let them break me.

My Earth Sister was telling me about how important it is to love people from a distance, that there are certain people in our lives that are simply toxic to us, and although it banes our hearts we must love them from a distance so as to protect ourselves... this has been something that has been completely difficult for me even in my youth. I love people with all of me, always have, I can't help it, and it always always always ends up hurting me more than anything.... but I bounce back and love again. My stepmom once said I needed to give people my heart without giving them my power... but I have not managed that.. even until this day... I give everyone I love the power to make or break me and I always end up feeling empty.

This is is how God is. He loves us, without condition and we frankly shit on Him all the time. We put things before Him, put value on things before Him, WE are constantly breaking His heart and He is constantly forgiving us and our choices that are bad for us and loving us.. WITHOUT CONDITION.

I used to pray a lot for God to show me His heart... for Him to Break my heart for what breaks His, so I could see and feel the way He loves us, so I could better understand Him, and to better see the purpose I had before me on this planet. I believe this prayer was already answered at my conception because I have always been wired to love without boundaries. And I to this day need find a way to balance all of that and keep myself afloat.

I can't keep pouring myself out with nobody to pour back into me...
I need to love without expectation, I need to Love without fear, I need to value myself as much as I value others because God values me as much as He values everyone else. He is impartial, unrelenting, He loves without boundaries.... He is Love though..... so theres that. God and Love are the same.

  Another friend of mine passed away recently. For those keeping track at home that's 2 friends of mine to die within 3 months. Both times I couldn't properly grieve because I had to put on a brave face whether I was chaperoning a school field trip to the zoo or whether or not I was working back to back 8 hour shifts at work... I had to smile and outwardly be ok to not burden others with the anguish I was feeling inside... But I can only do that for so long before I crumble and break.

  I took a shower the other night and sobbed like I never have before.. I felt my insides scream, I felt hollow and numb and pain all at the same time.. I don't know how that is even possible. I felt angry and heartbroken and alone and done.... I just felt done... I wanted to punch the shower wall but I stopped myself.. I crumpled instead into a little ball on the ground and just sobbed.. I sobbed until I couldn't hardly breathe anymore... and then I picked myself up, dried myself off and tucked myself into bed.

I have been having to take sleeping pills to get solid sleep these days. With my depression and anxiety in full swing, my mind never shuts up so I have to force it to take a breather. My dreams, as a result have been very bizarre and I have been keeping a dream journal.. I am not a dream analyst but if I were I would have my work cut out for me because these dreams are wackadoo and all over the place... it's been comforting to record them though...

I find a theme of them seems to be trying new things, have fresh starts, having new opportunities and pursuing them and being excited about them, and also conquering fears.....

I wish I knew what specifically my subconscious was referring me to do... I doubt my unconscious mind can predict the future and I have never been the greatest at metaphors...

anyway, just thought I would write some things down, try to reach some kind of epiphany, and to send out into a void a message, that I am here.. and this is my existence.. I don't know. I just don't want to feel irrelevant, I don't want to feel like I am taking a back seat to life. I want to take it and love by the horns and live without fear. I want to be raw and honest, and happy, just like everyone else... this time I don't want to assume anything I just want to go go go..


Until Next time, Erin.