Pieces of The Puzzle.

shocker. Another blog of self-revelations ahead:

Well.. This is my blog.. for my brain space. SOOO it is a little egocentric but relatable.. I hope..

Anyway..

My mom came to visit for a few days. It was amazing. I was worried it wouldn't be because in all honesty I don't really know my mom. We have always had a very tumultous relationship. Some things in our past are very turbulent, I felt I had to take care of her a lot of my life.. versus the other way around.. It's really hard for me to see her as super maternal in the authoritative sense. So having her here I didn't know what to expect and my anxiety was through the roof. I hadn't seen her in 3 years and to be honest it felt like I was 30 and getting to know who she was for the first time.

Of course we took the myers-briggs personality test.. like.. duh.. and guess what.. she is also an enfp.

This came as a shock because she answered a lot of questions almost opposite of me.. but the test is so smart it sees between lines and where answers fall perpendicular into one another and I have rarely ever found a result with it that didn't match the person I was testing in like the 9 years I have been doing this.

It makes sense though. 
Her flightiness, her intuition her social lure, her everything.. it was me..  
I had a friend tell me once 
"You have never met a stranger and that is some crazy kind of superpower"
My mom is this way too. She also has never met a stranger.

I am weaker in places she is stronger however and vice versa.

makes sense why butt heads a lot.

it was another piece to the puzzle.

I was explaining to a friend Sunday night that I viewed myself as a puzzle piece and everyone and everything was also a piece to this puzzle of this greater picture, this greater story, this greater purpose. I said sometimes I find a piece that fits a side of me I hadn't felt before. I meet this person or this thing I encounter and it makes me feel more whole. Opens more doors. We are all linked, and connected and there is a magic in being one and all with everyone.

After this puzzle piece conversation I went back and read some key points on my myers briggs personality type. "ENFP; The Campaigner"

The paragraph that first stood out was this one:

ENFPs, like all their Diplomat cousins, are shaped by their Intuitive (N) quality, allowing them to read between the lines with curiosity and energy. They tend to see life as a big, complex puzzle where everything is connected – but unlike Analysts, who tend to see that puzzle as a series of systemic machinations, ENFPs see it through a prism of emotion, compassion and mysticism, and are always looking for a deeper meaning.

I was sincerely blown away. I have read my description before but I don't think I really took in how accurate it was. I have read many other descriptors of my type but this one resonated with me completely.

It was life affirming. It truly was. I am on my path, the one I was intended for. I am who I am and the way I am for a reason. For a greater purpose and I will honor what makes my true-self me, and I will not apologize for being who I am any longer.

I continued to read into relationships and again for a second time this paragraph stood out to me:

The reality is that ENFPs’ spontaneity, the seeming inconsistency and erraticism the untrained eye sees, isn’t a product of flightiness or lack of depth, but the opposite – it is a drive to express ideas about a mystical, all-encompassing energy, in the confines of a physical world, and underlying it all is the uniting principle of love, expressed in many different ways, but unshakeable and infinite at its core.

I had shared this before on social media stating that it was one of the truest things I had ever read about myself and I think it still is. It put into words the mission my spirit has always felt called to and I had no way of articulating it before.

To most people on the surface I seem bubbly, goofy, naive, ditsy, whathaveyou. But what they don't realize (if they don't get the chance to truly know me) Is that superficiality and shallowness do not exist within me. I am as deep as the deepest ocean, and I filled up with love, for all and everything. I cannot help it. I love deeply, I feel deeply, I am intuitive almost to a fault, because I sense most everything. I know instantly when I have done wrong, my conscience is on edge constantly. I cannot tell a lie. At least to people I love. And sometimes truth gets me in trouble..

Inadvertently slipping up and hurting others is the bane of my existence. I have to acknowledge that even with the best intentions I am not without fault and I am human and fallible and I need to have as much grace for myself as I offer to others.

When a relationship in my life is suffering I feel the world is crumbling around me. I may have 99 healthy relationships happening but if 1 is hurting Time stops. Everything comes crashing down. It of course has a lot to do with if I may or may not be the inadvertent cause of this downfall or how deeply connected I feel to this individual but regardless I suffer... I sink into myself, I re-evaluate my entire existence. I am constantly defining myself by my relationships with others and how they view me and I really need to ease up on that. I need to be confident in myself and I need to not put everyone I love on a pedestal whilst I am afraid myself to fall off the pedestal I have built for myself in my mind.

Nobody is perfect.
But there is forgiveness
there is grace
there is mercy
for those who know the truest meaning of love.

love encompasses everything
It is anger,
 it is sadness,
 it is depression,
 it is anxiety, 
in it's absence.
  In it's presence,
   it is warmth, 
  it is light,
   it is peace,
   it is joy.

it tends to ebb and flo in our broken human hearts. Some days we are on a high from it, other days we are in the pit from it. Love; True love; Is not without hardship or struggle. It is a constant choice day in and day out. A choice to choose somebody, and say.. I know we're not perfect, I know not everything is great, but my love for you eclipses all of that, and I am willing to fight for this,.. for us... every single day. Because I believe in the power of love.

I am not even necessarily speaking only about romantic love either, I enter all of my relationships with this mentality, this commitment to love in the true meaning of the word.

And even though relationships have not lasted in the past on occasion, Some have ended abruptly or fizzled out or you know, life happens.. but I will never stop loving those people. Never. If I have told you I love you, it is likely one of the truest things you have ever heard.

Now onto kinda another topic.

One of the things I talked to my mom about when she was here was my spiritual openness.
 I told her I love and worshipThe Christian God.
 And I Identify with the christian faith in a lot of ways, mainly in my known relationship with Jesus Christ,
and that even though I personally am monotheistic (worshipping only one God)
 I do not deny the possibility of the existence of other Gods and Goddesses 
and I believe that in most earthly religions there is a different glimpse into a higher truth.

   I told her, I believe there is truth everywhere, There is not one truth, but many. I told her I have always felt like I didn't belong here. That I have felt like an alien in my body and have always imagined I had actually lived before. I told her I was an old soul, And I was worried.. how would she receive this? She has been going to church in the last few years and I was afraid my more liberal way of viewing things could potentially offend her.. But she received it beautifully and she beautifully articulated things back to me. I loved that my mom was not so quick to try to sway my thinking. It makes sense now that she is able to respect my thoughts, and feelings, and be 0pen to them. Because she is also an enfp. And we are nowhere even close to closed-minded.

Yesterday I saw an article on my newsfeed on facebook called "How Souls Choose their parents and families"

and for obvious reasons I opened it and began reading it:

It starts out:

"When you think about your life, you may be thinking about your life from birth to death in your own body.

I want to invite you to expand this idea of life by viewing life in terms of your soul. Your life is not one life, but in a way, it is much life. It is a continuous journey of your soul.

Your Soul Has Been Here Before

According to Buddhism, your soul has been on this Earth before. It may have been here many times, actually. Our souls come to this world time and time again. This allows growth and change. As you grow old, your soul outgrows its contract and is ready for a new one. As your time in this body is over, your soul moves on to.

Our souls are born into many different bodies throughout many different lifetimes to learn and grow. Currently, your soul is occupying this body and working with this mind you have."

Ok..Interest Peaked...

It continues:

 "It may seem like a random chance, but it may not be. Many people in the Buddhist religion believe that what body your soul will occupy, what life it chooses, and what other souls will be in our lives is up to us. As your soul connects to the source, you determine who you will meet again before you return to Earth in another form.

Of course, you won’t remember making this decision. You won’t remember choosing your people. Yet, many believe this is the case.

During your lifetime, you learn lessons. You grow. As you connect to the source, you choose a new lesson. You decide what kind of life you want to live. You consider everything. Based on the lessons you need to learn, you pair up with your parents, siblings, and partners. They will be your guides during your life to help you learn the lessons you need to learn. You may even choose to reverse roles in the next lifetime to learn something new. You may be a parent to your parent, and they will be your child the next lifetime, for example, to learn a new lesson. There are no limits.

This definitely stood out to me.. Because whoa... read the blog I just wrote... I have always felt maternal towards my mother and certain other people. Perhaps I was their mother in another life?

When I spoke to my mom about my willingness to side with the ideology of reincarnation and how I struggled to see how it could coexist with my well... faith.. she reassured me I could believe both. 

We both believe anything can be possible. It is a very conceited notion that humans have a grasp on what is the only truth when it comes to existence and spirituality and so on and so forth.

I personally am behind the belief that all things can coexist.
 I believe we can unite with mere humanity. 
With our potential for love. 
Being right or wrong about our existence or our mission or purpose or destination or fate, is insubstantial. 
If we're wrong, we're wrong and it won't matter. 
If we're right, we're right, and idk.... High five??

We should constantly always seek truth. And we should constantly always choose love. And be kind. These things are substantial. But we must accept that we will not have all if any answers in this lifetime or perhaps the next. And that is ok too. 

Just be a good person.

Love one another.

Love is all we need.