To be Alone With You

Well as you have probably noticed I am blogging a lot lately, well I am sure there is a lot to that.... things have to be (as my friend bri quoted nicely) really exciting or really pressing in order to be written down...

The mundane just doesn't look good on paper... or...er.... blog.

well right now a lot is going on inside of me; a hurricane of emotions that I need to to write in circles in order to make sense out of, and the interwebs is the perfect medium to do that... some may beg to differ but hey "some" you don't have to read my inner workings..

I feel like I am having a heartattack.. I am excited, I am hopeful, I am scared, I am disheartened, I am overjoyed, I am grateful, I am anxious, I am lonely, I am_____.

I am all over the place.

Something really exciting is happening in my life right now, but I am not ready to share it yet, nor do I know if I ever will be, so don't wait around for me to reveal it...

All I can say is that I go from feeling like I am being chased by a tiger, to feeling like i've been caught by that tiger, to feeling like i'm being mauled by that tiger all in a swift second...

One moment my heart is in my chest, the next it's in my stomach, the next it's behind my eyes causing me to choke on tears... of pain, of hopefulness.. of all of the above.

Right now I am filling out paper work that I feel like nobody in their life time should have to fill out... demeaning paper work.. heartbreaking paperwork... necessary paperwork...

and without going into detail all I am going to say is if it wasn't necessary for my daughter's well-being I would burn it in a huge fire and throw it off a cliff.

God's plans for us entail that certain things be in a certain order for a reason, not to be cruel to us , not to withhold from us, but to protect our hearts.... the wellsprings of life.

the wellspring of whose outpouring the mouth speaks...

all of this becomes more and more evident to me each day (God's order and it's reason) when my heart breaks for yet another reason because I did it in the wrong order. Free will may be a gift from God, but it only ever ends up hurting us unless we look to HIM and listen to HIM...

we alone can do no good. We alone cannot love.. without HIM.

I am waiting patiently for the rainbow after the storm for the calm.. for the beauty... I will work my way back to the order of things.. my path will be made straight.

I am going to do it right this next time around.

Good thing God is a God of second chances.. and third.. and fourth....................................

Praise Him!

He is our hope!

Selah!