When I was 19 years old I met a boy.. he showed up at my friend's house in the rain and I looked at him and I felt that shift... that shift in the universe that is God calling you to a new chapter of your life. I turned to my friend Kendra and I said "who is that? He is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen" That night he and I sat on a couch in my friend's duplex in dim light drinking tea and talking about everything under the sun...
The next couple months were a blur.. of farmers markets and night walks, coffee houses and train rides, on new years eve 2009, on the other side of the country in -14 degree weather, he and I had our first kiss.. less than 2 months later on Valentines day, we had sex for the first time.. Not my first time, for I had been celibate ever since accepting Christ into my life 2 years earlier.. but our first time and incidently his and the product of that was my Daughter.
I did not love this man,
well I did...
I loved who he was,
who he was becoming,
I loved his romantic nature,
his caring heart,
his inquisitive mind,
his old soul..
but I was not IN love with him...
unfortunately now the case seemed sealed for me to be with him forever.. I woo'd him, was pregnant with his child and according to him "I lost the choice to marry him when we had sex" I had to marry him.. I was trapped... until a good friend came over and prayed over me and told me I had the choice to leave. And so I did.
On a warm, still Summer day in August we sat along a creek bed, and I told him I was setting him free... free to be loved by another, free to find someone who would appreciate and deserve his romantic spirit... I was robbing his soulmate of him by keeping him glued to me.. "I love you, but I am not in love with you, can we be friends who raise this baby together" was the paraphrase of a several hour long conversation... after that we got some coldstone ice cream and split ways romantically. He went to all the ultrasounds with me, we had a joint baby shower, I put a onesie on a baby doll that said "#1 dad" and gave it to him to "practice" I scrapbooked my baby book at his house, we attended the same church and bible study and everything seemed to be going fine..
that was until his mom came to town...
she wanted to have coffee with me and talk to me.. It was a tuesday and we went to starbucks.. She asked me lots of questions like if I was ready? or excited? what my plans were for my life, what my childhood was like.. that sort of thing.. I told her a little of my struggles with depression and my mother's struggles of the same accord and how our mother-daughter relationship was strained at points... She told me she was young when she gave birth to the man that was to be father to my child.. She told me how hard it was and even implied that she thought about going back in time and making another choice, she asked me if I would ever consider giving my daughter up for adoption, she even said the words "what if she grows up to resent you like you do your mother" (which I don't btw) I left that coffee house with my head hung a little lower and went home and cried...
That night at bible study she was there in attendance with "him" after the meeting he said he needed to talk to me in the back room, he told me I could bring a friend, so I did. once in the back he began... He said he had been giving it a lot of thought and he wanted me to give my unborn daughter up for adoption, he had been talking with a potential family and they wanted her.... he had been doing this behind my back.. he then concluded with: "And in a couple of days I am leaving with my mom to massachusetts and I don't know when I am coming back, I have to figure some things out" When I finally found my voice again I responded very bravely and boldly that he could do whatever he wanted to sort out his own life but that my daughter was mine.
I stood up and left and my daughter's and my fates were sealed..She was mine since she was a microscopic cell in my body.. and she would always be mine..
When I called my dad a couple days later to explain everything his response was "does this boy even know you? If he even knew you in the slightest he would know that it would KILL you to have this baby anywhere than with you.. it would KILL you literally KILL you"
When I was about 16 out of the blue my dad said to me, "You're gonna be a mother, it's just who you are, ever since you were born you have wanted to be mother, you came out of the womb wanting to hold a baby"
I have always been maternal, I started babysitting when I was 10 or 11 years old.. sometimes I would watch multiple children and babies overnight.. When I was 16 I got a job as a Summer Camp Counselor and was one for 3 years.... the younger the kids the better.....they adored me, I sang songs, I danced dances, I played games, I felt alive around children...
And here I was about to have one, (it was not under the perfect circumstances by any means,) but it was my child, the fruit of my womb, my angel from God. MINE.
The day came for her to be born and I remember feeling like I was lacking nothing, giving birth to her was like seeing (if only for a moment) what God sees when He looks at all of us, There was no fault, we were flawless, perfect, beautiful, treasured..... I held my newborn in my arms and I looked her in the face, she was a part from me now and looking into her eyes she was a stranger, but she was mine, and she always would be.. I cried and repeated "I am gonna give you the world, I will give you the world"
Life as a single mother was hard.. things weren't over with sperm contributor... he presented me with stipulations and ultimatums to be part of her life but in the end his intent never was to be. Apparently he called my dad and said if he couldn't have the whole package, me, the baby, the family, the bright shining future together, he wanted none of it all....
And that was his choice... Which I forgive him for 6 years later... He was young, he was scared, we were both ill equipped.. but I thought we were in this together and we weren't...
I spent a lot of time in my mom cave I didn't know how to interact with the outside world anymore, my pastor and his assistant pastors didn't know how to treat my situation, it was taboo and not dealt with or spoken of, never once did someone ask if they could pray for me now that I was alone in this.. I was 20 years old hundreds of miles away from any family and I was poor, very poor, I applied for welfare and foodstamps, and got WIC but there was only so long Katarina and I could live off milk, cheese, bread, eggs and peanut butter... There were times where complete strangers would come and bring me groceries, or leave gift cards to safeway on my windshield anonymously, or there was this wonderful woman whom I had never met who lived in a neighboring town who brought me a crib and a bassinet, the community of people I had was beautiful in hindsight but I was also sooo alone.. and wounded...
It's 2016 and that stranger I gave birth to in November of 2009 is still a stranger to me today... I am constantly trying to figure this person out, trying to understand what makes her tick, I want to be the best mother I can be to her, I want to love her in all the ways that she feels loved, but seeing as we are so completely different it's a day to day battle.
I am independent... I am extroverted but I do things on my own a lot and I by no means need others all the time to entertain me or give me reason to just "be"
My daughter is 110% co-dependent she needs to interact in stimulating/ constantly changing activities with other people every second of every day, if she isn't trying to numb herself in front of netflix..
When I was a child I played make believe in my room, I played with barbies, and dressed up and had make believe hanson brother boyfriends,
My daughter loves puzzles and drawing, and science and math and learning new things, creating new things.. she has a $200 doll house with 50 pieces of furniture that she will not touch. She collects things, her favorite animal is the snail, she likes card games and computer games and shows about animals... She does not like to dance in front of others, but she loves to sing in front of people, She has a voice that needs to be heard. She is a leader, she is head strong and steadfast in her need to be heard, and get what she wants, she will negotiate with you until you are in your grave, and she will fight you on every single little thing and shrug and roll her eyes at you or pop off at you if what you're saying does not mesh well with her idealistic reality.
She exaggerates and is highly sensitive and emotional.
When I was a child I was a follower, I was the meek one that wanted to love and please everyone, I got trampled on by others and I still loved them despite it all, I grew up feeling I had no voice and I never really voiced an opinion.. If I ever did circumstances of my childhood would have me regret it... I never felt I had a voice and it took many years to recover that lost voice.
I currently love to dance. I would dance professionally in front of others if I was even remotely good at it. I love being the center of attention, I thrive on a stage, I like to sing, but I like art and music and crafty things "artsy fartsy" is what my dad used to call it.. I don't like math or science, or more like I am not good at it..I like make up and reading and writing, my favorite animal is the cat and I am really organized, I like to rest and sleep... this is who I am,
She is my complete opposite on so many levels and she is exactly like me in so many others... (Like for instance we are both clumsy.).. Sometimes I am like "there can only be one!" and other days I am like "who is this stranger?"
I yell at her , a lot... whether it's two strong headed females arguing over some redundant thing or it's one of us being strong headed and the other being annoyed at the other... I go to sleep in tears most nights wondering how I can be more graceful, more understanding, sometimes I have to look at her old baby pictures and remember how much I love her, how she is my treasure, my sweet baby girl, and she is sweet, but she is also very challenging to be around at times... And for her I guess I am too.
My cousin who has a son with special needs posted this meme that said "behind every child with special needs is a parent who thinks they are messing it all up" or something like that.. I commented "behind EVERY child is a parent who feels the same"... Not disregarding the fact that her struggles with her son were very unique and challenging, but just drawing attention to the fact that parenting is something we should all in solidarity understand is a challenge.
Being a parent is trial and error, it's making it up as you go, it's doing what is best for you and yours and hoping for the best outcome, it's learning how this person works apart from you, learning about who they are intrinsically and loving them in that place... all of this is much easier said than done,
As a parent you have these bars of expectations.. you don't intend to but you do and these bars are constantly not getting met and it's like William Shakespeare once said; "expectations are the root of all heartache"
I spent my whole life learning how I work, how I tick, how to keep myself happy and functioning somewhat well, and now I have these whole other people in the mix.. each are different than me and each have different passions, desires and needs...They have their own set of likes and dislikes, things they are good at and bad at, things they enjoy doing and things they don't, they have their own tastes in food and music and anything and everything else...
I always feel like I am failing, that I am doing one thing or another to scar my child for life, I am trying to raise an upstanding young person or (now) people, and I am constantly in fear I am messing it all up.... I wish I had some conclusive advice on something I have learned in my 6+ years as a mother but I think I will just close with this... Life as a mother is a fight, a constant battle... but I will fight the fight as long as I live.. I have been fighting for her since she was conceived and I will fight for her and with her until the day I die. (same with my son)
My dad wrote me this text once when we were talking to each other about life and parenting etc... (My siblings are 5 and 3) and when the topic of my struggles with Katarina and my graceless spirit with her came up he said something that completely shattered something inside of me in a good way.
We were talking about me as a child this is how it went:
Dad : You were the best most caring, beautiful soul ever, ..you were the best baby ever...for real.. and kid... and great teen.. but others hurt you and I want to f*cking kill them for that but couldn't.... I learned a lot about human nature through what happened to you..."
Me: "I love you daddy, you're making me cry, these days I wish I could channel that soul I has a child before it got tainted bu the world, I am lacking in a lot of grace, I have anger issues with Katarina, she drives me to the edge, I want to be gentle and meek, I want to be calm and collected like Kristy (my step mom), I want to be THAT mom, but I am not. I'm wore out"
Dad: "Yea that happens, can't help it, just take deep breaths, Kat is so smart, it's going to take extra energy from you, but in the end keep your cool it'll be good... she's special, there's a reason for her in God's mind... You're her shephard, it's meant to be and you're meant to be for her... remember that, to me she's always been the special chosen one. For what?? Idk, but we got see her through, you're the important piece of the puzzle.. good job."
this was especially striking for me as my dad doesn't really identify with "religious" things.. he is more spiritual.. it's hard to explain... anyway..
There is a plan, there is a big plan, one that we don't know of, or our part of.. but there is and it all works out for good. I know it does.
I believe God speaks through people, I sincerely believe that, I believe he has appeared to me through many people in my life, and to tell you those stories would be a whole other blog entry, so let this suffice.. God speaks through people and to people in ways that they will hear him.. In this case He spoke through my dad
It was like God saying ;"I see all of this, I see what you have went through and are going through, and it will all be ok, you're doing great! We've got this"
I want to be the mom my daughter looks back on and doesn't resent or have negative feelings towards, I want her to remember the good things, how I love her without condition, I want her to see how I have and am and will do anything for her.. I will fight for her until the day I die, (and my son too) because as much as my children may feel like the end of me at times they are also all of me.. they are my world.
Lord I pray for understanding, I pray for eyes to see and ears to hear all the ways my children and husband and friends and family and complete strangers on the streets for that matter need to be loved, I pray I lose my spirit of doubt I pray for boldness and strength in this role of mother.. one of the toughest and (I am told) most rewarding jobs out there.. Lord I am learning, I am trying so hard, I want to figure it all out, I want to know the plan for me and my daughter, I want to know why I am here, why she is here, why you chose me.. but since I can't know these answers Lord I pray for trust and a peace that surpasses all understanding.. and Grace lord.. so much Grace to withstand it all. Thank you for glances of the beauty you see, and for trusting me with your children, I trust you will help me see all this through and the outcome will be glorifying to your name. Amen.
"Therefore since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us"- The Apostle Paul; Hebrews 12:1
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