Rise From The Ashes: Dabblings and Mediocrity

"And all I want is all that you possess

And all I want is all that I can’t get

And I can’t be, for the things I see

And the things I want and I long to be

And I crave much more than I’d ever need

And I take it all just the way I please"

The above are lyrics of a song called, "Take These Thoughts" by Chris and Thomas.. That song just popped up on one of my pandora stations.. and I think it eloquently sang my emotions of the day...

Let me explain how my day went... I woke up to my husbands alarm earlier than I would like to wake up, My daughter comes in the room and immediately starts arguing wth me about something... my son is banging on his door letting us know he is awake and wants a "milk baba" (which we are weaning him off of btw...) I realize I only have about 5 minutes to adequately make my daughter's lunch and leave to get her to school on time.. nevermind actually getting dressed.. i've been wearing the same shirt for 3 days anyway what's a liittle longer? But she is still arguing with me about something and a baby is still screaming at me, and my husband is telling me to change his diaper and I am going to lose it..

a couple minutes later...

I managed to some how feed the baby breakfast while making the lunch and get my daughter out the door and to her school on time in the miracle of all miracles.... I came back, changed and dressed the baby rinsed out the old coffee grinds from the coffee grinder, and coffee machine, poured some grinds in the grinder... just enough..not too much because last time I put "too much" and made the coffee really bitter...

I poured the water in, turned the machine on and turned around to clear things off the counter, and then I grabbed the very full trash bag and took it out through the garage into our side alley.. I walk back in and Ethan is fidgiting with the coffee maker... I jokingly ask him "did I do it wrong??" and the response was that I did.. apparently I shifted the tray that held the grinds and the spicket wasn't where it was supposed to go and water was pouring all over inside the mechanism and grinds were floating into places they weren't supposed to go and then after a very frustrated one sided discussion about how I messed up the coffee my husband leaves without saying goodbye...

I turn to wipe down the counter and see my kitten delilah sitting there staring at me... she tilts her head to the side and for a moment I pretend she is communicating with me that she understands and I just lose it... I break down into sobs and spend the next 2 hours in the fetal position crying my eyes out..

I feel like I live a life that does a lot and achieves a lot.. but it's nothing that gets noticed.

it's a marathon with no finish line, it's a bunch of things that are humble and frustrating and challenging that get achieved over and over again and I feel proud of but there will never be medal.

I am a mother, a homekeeper, I am unpaid, and unsung, my challenges day in and day out go unnoticed and are relatively unknown..

I dabble in hobbies...

I am an enfp according to meyers briggs

my attention span on topics or desires or passions is thin..

I dabble in this I dabble in that and I flourish in mediocrity.

I have dreams, many dreams, but none that will come true because I can't focus on one long enough to achieve it.

The love language I speak is gifts.. I love giving people thoughtful heartfelt gifts, I love learning about people, their quirks, their desires, their little hobbies/interests and find them a gift that will speak to them, that will show them how I love them because I was attentive and took the time to learn about them and think about them and this trinket is a token of my love for them and my appreciation of their existence and our friendship.

The Love language I feel or desire the most (as in receive from others and it speaks to my heart) is words of affirmation and quality time.... I feel loved by people when they reach out to me, want to spend time with, want to get to know me, who will offer their being to my life, who I can connect with, fellowship with... and tell me how they appreciate my friendship and acknowledge the things are good about me and affirm these things are good about me, so I can feel I am achieving some level of goodness in this broken world...

Words of Affirmation may just be the most selfish of love languages.. and of course I have it... I need you to acknowlege my greatness, tell me I am fabulous, that I am the best there ever was, at this, that and the other thing... I want WORDS TO AFFIRM THE PRIDEFUL THINGS I THINK OF MYSELF IN SILENCE.

ok so it's not like that... but you would think it was judging by the fact very little people speak to my heart in that language.. and today I was questioning my very existence, and why this is so sparce...

I came to the conclusion that there is no reason to affirm me because I am just a big old pile of mediocre. Maybe if I was great at something there would be a reason to tell me I am great.. but the thing is I want to be the best at everything and I am not the best at anything because like the dreams that won't get achieved I can't stick with anything long enough to succeed greatness..

I want to be a great beauty blogger, but the truth is I only started really trying to learn about or wear makeup about a year ago... so I can't qualify as someone who can give tutorials, or really advice...

I want to be a great writer but I don't have the attention span to write a novel.. (much less this blog entry) I have about 10 half written novels.. one I started 7 years ago... and never got past the 3rd page..

I want to be photo blogger, but after about a month of the blog I started I got tired of it and stopped...

I have a million small half ass achievements and not one great thing to call my own..

although yarn might be my super power, I can make anything out of yarn.. I just wish it was a faster process so I could fill more orders and achieve more... etc..

anyway, I have been feeling really down on myself.. like I try so hard.. soo soooo hard.. but it's never hard enough, it's never going to end in a complete recognizable success.... and I am just so tired.. so tired of setting the bar too high for myself... and not reaching the bars of the others in my life.. I can't even make coffee right... how hard is it to make instant coffee?

I didn't grow up in a domestically trained household... Not to say we lived like savages, my parents just had me really young and separated when I was really young and the split homes had very different regimes, and ways of keeping house, or feeding ourselves... and I didn't have a steadfast example of what it meant to keep house, or cook homecooked meals, or even make coffee...

Everytime I do the kids laundry and put it away, or clean up toys, or spills, or take out the trash or do the dishes or cook a new homecooked meal or even learned a new trait in the kitchen I feel like I have learned and achieved so much and grown so much and rose so much from the ashes that I want that to get noticed.. I want the small stuff, the busy stuff, the hard stuff, the mundane stuff, the everyday stuff to get noticed, I at least want to be affirmed that what I do matters, that I have worth, that I may not be the best at anything but I am "just ok" at a lot of things...

I ranted in text to a friend about all of this earlier... sometime during the 2 hour long fetal sob fest....

Her response was to look to God, to try and see how He sees me, how He loves me despite my shortcomings, and my mediocrity, that I may not be perfect but that I am loved and treasured but the King of Kings... and quite honestly this wasn't very helpful at the time...

I responded "I am not in the right place for that kind of thing" and I was being honest.

I was in the pit... anyone who suffers with depression knows the pit... it's a level of darkness that only time can pull you out of... and the time differs each time... and the truth is when we are talking to people there is nothing we think they can say to pull us out.. we just want to bring them to the point where we are.. to bring them one step closer to understanding the darkness, because in inviting them to our pit we become one step closer to not being 100% alone in our thoughts/feelings/depressive state.

But you know what.. she is right... now that I am out of the pit.. I realize I have been so focused on myself.. worried about my own pride and worth and value to others and myself.. when in the large scheme of things once again.. it's not about me. I am just a cell of the body of the creator of the universe and all together we form one miniscule aspect of His GREATNESS.. We are His. we are not our own of our own huge purpose.. we are of our own small purpose but it is the paint stroke of the overall masterpiece and therefore just as important as the next...

I pray today that I lose focus on myself, I pray for a less selfish outlook on well.... everything.. I pray for more gratitude for the ways and the languages that people do show me they love me.. even if it's not my specific love language, even if they may not outwardly express their love and appreciation for me I must have eyes to see the ways that they are trying to show me these things. I pray for eyes to see and ears to hear that which God has intended for me, because when I am left to my own accord I end up in the pit... Lord be my guiding light always to cast out the pit and show me the truth especially when I need it the most, I am grateful for friends who speak the truth in the face of tribulation...even another's tribulation... because seeds of truth that are sown will always blossom eventually. Lord I pray for others who struggle with depression and a little sense of self worth that they see the truth and the light when they need to as well. Thank you lord for this day, and for those who have ears to hear and eyes to see and mouths to speak truth when it needed... I really am more blessed than I will ever realize and I pray that I don't take too many things for granted. Amen.

I'll leave you with some quotes and stuff on mediocrity or "generalists" or average every day non prodigal people .. :-p