Sometimes when (excuse the French) Shitty things happen you get so wrapped up in them that you can't see any good coming out of them... I could only focus on the negative, a sick child, a cranky husband, a missing purse and a phone that was my connection to the world around me.. gone...
it sucked.
Having my phone away from me was hard at first, I had to go back to basics for things.. my phone is something I am scarily highly dependent upon and I think that's the case with a lot of people this day and age... I use it for a map, for an alarm clock, it's my research at my fingertips, it's my way to numb myself with silly little app games, it's my way to connect on social media any split second I want, It's how I photograph the world around me, it's the engine from which I share every little mundane thought that entered in my head.
And not having a wallet caused me to have to get crafty as well..
Luckily I had my husband home a couple more days to help me acclimate the world around me sans technological convenience...
I still had my laptop to message people on Facebook. I still had Ethan's phone to call people should I need, and his credit cards to pay for things like my oil change and such...
but then I was on my own... for a few days, I had to ask people for directions, I had to depend on the kindness of strangers to assist me with their search engines a couple of times like in Joanns when I needed to know the size of hook I needed for a Crochet pattern, or when my post office was down and the recycling center was out of order and I needed help finding another one...I had to talk to people, interact with the world around me... go figure.
And some things I just needed to figure out for myself. I needed to be more conscientious of the time... I had no alarm to wake me up or remind me when to get Katarina from school.. I actually had to be aware of where I was in the world and what time it was there... GO FIGURE AGAIN.
Why am I saying all these things? you're asking.. get to the point already, we don't care about how you "survived" sans phone for a week...
well... not having a phone cleared my mind for a lot of things, I was more present, I was less attainable, and it was all sort of refreshing.. it caused me to reflect on myself, as a mother, as a wife, as a person and as a friend...
the latter being the reason for this blog..
without my phone I was unattainable for most of the day, whenever I wasn't near an internet search engine.. or Facebook... I wondered to myself who needed to get a hold of me? Who would notice my absence..
A motif in my blog entries is my reminiscing of past relationships and how they went awry, I am constantly trying to piece a million heartaches together and maybe in the process become somewhat "whole" again.. but you know what? the truth is... I am broken.. utterly broken and so are these people I have loved, all these goodbyes I've had to say.. they sucked.. but they are life...
The thing is life... real life.. in the real world is not high school, it's not college... if you don't have the friends you made in those establishments with you today, you have a dime a dozen people in your network.. the reality is... being adult is lonely. those good friends I have are few and far between... and those that i've lost.. ( being the way I am intrinsically) I will weep for until the day I die.. sadly.
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| More simpler times.... |
Someone posted a meme on Facebook today, it said, "there's a reason the rear view mirror is so small and the windshield is so big, the places you are going are far more important than the places you have been.." another person posted.. don't look back you're not going there... or something like that...
I live in the past.. I set the bar for the present based on the happiness of the past, and how it was in good times, I also pave the insecurities for the present based on the bad times that happened in the past.. no matter how we want to accept it or not the past does define us in someway or another.. the trials we have faced, the storms we have gone through, the sunshine we have danced with... it molded us into who we are today, so why is reflecting on things frowned upon?? After all the side view mirrors (used to say) "Objects in Mirror are closer than they appear" SO look back, who you were isn't too far from who you are.. learn from old you, grow the present you and strengthen the future you.
When I got my phone back I had no missed calls and one text message... this realization although silly.. made me feel even more disconnected from the relationships around me.. I felt free without my phone and then in one split moment it has me under it's power again... contemplating....everything about myself.. wondering if I was someone people even wanted to get a hold of, or who people wanted around.. Wondering about the footprint or fingerprint or whatever it is I am leaving on this planet... a boy I grew up with died around this time last year, I decided to visit his Facebook page and read what people were writing him... they all described him as an inspiration, a positive light in their lives, someone who made the room shine with gladness and hope, someone who was selfless and warm and loved...
I wondered who I was? What impact do I have on those around me?? Is it positive?? negative?? AM I a big loud ball of drama?? or does anyone really see the real me.. passed the depression, passed the mood swings, passed the swarm of emotions that affect me on the daily...
My husband loves me without condition, my ins and outs, my pretties and my uglies... he has seen me at my best and at my worst and he has loved me each moment and all of those in between.. that is how God designed Love.. for everyone.. we as a human race need to love each other at that level.. without condition, look past the brokenness in everyone and see what's beautiful in there.. if someone is cranky or depressed or straight up crazy, there's a reason and there is a human in there.. one that just like everyone else needs to be loved, desires to be loved.. love is the ultimate driving force of everyone...
It's the beginning of the year and as cliche and cheesy as this all sounds here instates my resolution.. I want to leave a positive mark in this world,.. starting from within me, spreading to within my household and out the door.. to everyone I meet. Relationships with people are my very driving force. The way I am I was built for relationship with others, to love and care for and be a listening ear to others. Not to judge, but to love... everyone... to exude the fruits of the spirit to everyone I meet.. peace, love, grace, mercy, patience...
I haven't been the most patient and gracious wife, mother, friend, human.. I have been quick to anger, and I have hurt myself along with others in this selfish, broken human behavior...
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