Come away, O human child!
To the waters and the wild
With a faery, hand in hand,
For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.
-William Butler Yeats
"Relationships Are Stupid Hard... Ugh"
I found myself texting that to a good friend of mine a couple days ago..
And in all honesty if there were ever something I am good at it's relationships with people..
Relationships are what run my life.. People are my world.
And yet... they are hard..
I don't have a more eloquent way of even saying that;
RELATIONSHIPS ARE HARD.
As I mentioned before the theme for this year's MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) is "We are the Starry Eyed;" which focuses on things bigger than ourselves and aims to give us the tools to find Joy and acceptance in this trial we have called life.. in the dark and in the light of it all..
The last meeting we had focused on how friendships are the basis for survival in this world. A gal spoke on a video about how her relationships with her girl friends was what helped her survive the trials of motherhood, and she stressed the importance of finding and maintaining solid relationships against all odds..
one of the main points she made that really stood out to me was being with your friends through thick and thin, through the good and the ugly.. and really being with them "In this moment"
I have never been one for superficial relationships. Being an ENFP... My business is people.... dissecting people, getting to the heart of people, diving in deep with people.. loving them in their vulnerability and in their honesty.. I am here on this planet to DO LIFE WITH YOU.
Sometimes I believe I friend too hard, I can be overbearing, but it's just because my heart is too big for this planet and I need to share it and myself with everyone.
I have that child-like mentality when it comes to friendships.. Kids see another kid at the park run up to them and declare "We are friends now" and start playing like there was never a second on this planet they didn't know each other..
I am that person that sees another human, doesn't matter their age, race, sexual orientation...ANY OF THAT.. I am like "Hey fellow human, let's do life together"
Granted there are personality types that don't mesh well with mine, and there have been some friend break ups along my jilted path.. but a piece of my heart will always be with these people. (more on that to come.. and it ain't pretty beware)
As a grown up it's really hard to make friends.. in your childhood-highschool your friends are just kinda chosen for you... by circumstances.. you're in elementary school then middle school then highschool.. and you are planted with these kids (granted this really only applies to those non-nomadic people) from kindergarten until budding adulthood.. you have the institution of school, day care.. what have you that kinda boxes you into these niches and within them you strive...somehow..
For some these friends are the friends that stick with you on your journey no matter what paths split and wander..
but for me this wasn't the case.... let's take a brief bullet point trip through memory lane on the topic of "friendship and relationships" (Buckle your seat belts.. bumpy ride ahead)
As a child I was very friendly.. I was just a smaller version of who I am now.. but growing up.. my friendliness was considered off-putting, it was obnoxious to some, and over bearing to others, and kids just didn't take to me too well..
I was teased a lot..
and I mean a lot..
But there was never a moment I didn't want to be friends with these people.. in my heart of hearts all I wanted was to belong...
in middle school the teasing got worse... and even violent. I was tormented by my peers emotionally in unbearable ways...
I felt like the bottom of the totem pole of people that anyone wanted to do anything with.
There was one time I can remember My mom dropped me off at a school dance and everyone turned to me and stopped dancing.. then one girl came up to me, told me I should leave because nobody wanted me there.. I found a pay phone and called my mom and told her my stomach hurt and she needed to pick me up.
I befriended some wrong people at one point and the law got involved (I was innocent though)
But after the law was seen speaking to me, I was not safe.
the few friends I did have didn't want to be associated with me after that because of concern for their own safety... I ended up eating lunch everyday in the counseling office or principle's office...
It wasn't until One day when someone finally spoke up for me... that people started to shift their attitudes about me.. It took one soul to speak up for me. He was the voice for the voiceless and I aim to be one as well.
The teasing, didn't stop there though unfortunately.. in fact it turned into sexual harrassment. Rumors were spread, names were called, and let's just say I did not seem like the girl to know after some terrible rumors came to fruition
And the interesting thing was I hadn't even kissed a boy.. and half of the jokes and nicknames went over my innocent little head because I had no idea how sexuality even worked.. after all I was merely 13.
All of these things fed my insecurity and by the time I got to high school, I was willing to be friends with anyone who would even acknowledge my existence... so needless to say I liked good judgement in some arenas.
after all, I ever wanted to do was belong and be accepted.. and I think at the root of all of that is all humanity desires...; to be loved for who we are in that we are affirmed, we are made complete.
Relationships make us whole.
My Freshman year I made friends with upper class men.. and sometimes I would lie and spread rumors about myself that I was experienced in "mature" things.. so that they would think I was cool and stay my friend.
My Senior Year I befriended some younger classmen... we did everything together
We worked together, went to school together, drank together (I know bad), Played hooky together (also bad) did our homework together...did LIFE together we were ONE.
ButAfter awhile I noticed they weren't inviting me to things and I would catch them lying to me that they weren't hanging out together behind my back... as it would turn out they had stolen my bank card and were spending it left and right together behind my back..
I broke after that.
seriously broke.
When it came time to pick a University I chose the one furthest away from everything and everyone I knew.
I had a couple close friends that stuck through me through the madness of my youth but when life got too real after high school... things parted... and it wasn't pretty...
I have explained before the metaphor that life is a like a creek; we are all floating down and we are the leaf, bumping along twigs, resting on banks... until the wind changes... these twigs and rocks and leaves we encounter are people, jobs, seasons in our journey... but eventually the current changes and you don't know if you're going to stay or go away, and who is going to be with you in the end...
I have given my heart to so many people... I have had friends for 20 years who ended our relationship over one misunderstanding and another petty conversation.
I have friends I have literally given the shirt off my back to and been there for during some storms in their life only to have me ditch me when the storm clears because of something as petty as a screen play I wrote was misinterpreted..
And when I think of all these people I love and our parting.. I don't regret any of them.. only that fate didn't have us see it out all the way to the end.
And Now I am a grown up... in the real world.. and I have been absolutely dealing with the unbelievable loneliness of it all...
Some people already have their friends and they aren't taking applications for new ones.
Most people are just overall too busy...
That Fellowship and community that my soul craves.. that F.R.I.E.N.D.S clique that is with me through thick and thin just isn't here.. it's not present.. it's not reality...
at least that fictitious interpretation..
Friendship and relationships look different than our expectations would see them.
They are trial and error, they are light and dark, they are in sickness and health, they are a light in the dim world, and they can make or break you...and each one is a risk..
however being who I am, and even though I've been through what i've been through it is still a risk I will die taking.
Because I love people.
I love what makes you YOU
I love the good, the bad, the ugly, the honest, the vulnerable, the quirky.
I want to hug the lonely
Heal the broken
shine light into the darkness
I want to do life with you.
Don't give me superficial surface level relationships
give me the nitty gritty
because you are made beautiful and unique and I believe everyone has something to offer this broken world in the way of "light" and presence.
I know a lot of my stories were sad and twisted but I don't want you to walk away from reading this feeling as though I am some kind of broken-winged bird.
I have the most unbelievable friendships at this stage of my life. Being a mom, I have mom-friends in all facets of my day and life. I have mom friends at my daughter's school, through mops and through girl scouts.. Slowly but surely my life is becoming more rich with relationships and I couldn't be more grateful for the unbelievable people God has placed in my life at the most perfect of times... Those who see me for who I am, and they love me, ugliness, realness, vulnerability...all of it..
The series of blog posts that will follow this one will fixate more on different facets and relationships in my life that are real, raw and beautiful... I hope you stay tuned.. (I promise they will be more positive and coherent than this one)
But let me conclude:
In the past
I have built walls, I have torn them down.
I have written myself in circles countless times, confined in a billion journals, and suffered unbelievable heartache..
but I am here. And I have powered through it all.. and I conclude that relationships and people are still my biggest passion..
I have a lot of love to give.
and I am not holding myself back..
so watch out world.
I am coming for you
and I am not sorry.
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