This to me is what friendship is.
This is what I strive for in all my relationships
I give all of myself to everyone I enter into a relationship with
I don't want the surface level, superficial acquaintance relationships.
Life is short. Give me real. Give me YOU. After all we are not making it out of this world alive.. so... what do you have to lose?
I will tell you, in being authentic, in sharing yourself with others, sharing your triumphs, your failures, your weaknesses your strengths, in exchange for theirs.. you will be made whole and you have SO MUCH to GAIN.
All the introverted readers out there just fell out of their chairs..
Don't worry.. I see you too.
It's in our nature
It's in our nature
It's in our nature
It's in our nature
Put down your sword
Send home your dogs
Open up your doors
Let down your guard
It's in our nature
It's in our nature
It's in our nature
It's in our nature
Put down your gun
Ignore the alarm
Open up your heart
Let down your guard
For those of you who didn't read it. Here are the bullet points:
* I am an ENFP
*Relationships are everything to me
*Relationships are hard
*K-College brief synopsis of toxic relationship patterns
*etc..etc..
I mentioned in conclusion to everything that the next series of posts would pertain to my favorite thing.. Relationships... The Good, The Bad, The Ugly, The Topsy Turvey... but the overall beauty of all of them..
But first Let's explore my passion for this topic a little bit.
As I have said a BAJILLION times.. the Meyers-Briggs examination is my homeboy.
I geek out hardcore if someone knows their score.. and if they don't I geek out even harder helping them to take the test and to teach them about their score.. and in doing so.. learning about each other..
I feel like it's the 30 minute get deep quick scheme for us ENFP's (my score) who love to get to know people..
As an ENFP. We want to know how and why you tick, what drives you? What pleases you? what displeases you? Why do you behave a certain way in a certain situations...
there's a definite science to it.. I swear.
When I learned my husband's score.. It was like a bright sunbeam shown down on me and a giant lightbulb appeared and just awoke my soul..
It spoke about him perfectly, directly.. it made him make sense to me.
Now I know why such and such angers him.. so let's avoid those things
Now I know what makes him happy.. Let's do more of those things..
and the irony of his score is... he HATES the Meyers-Briggs examination.. He thinks it's too black and White, There's not enough grey area and you can't put people in a box etc etc..
But I see it more generally than all of that and it has not let me down when it comes to evaluating my relationships with people in how they work or don't and why.. and also.. what I can do to improve upon them.
I always tell people.. I friend... and I friend hard.
People don't see me coming. I am like the spanish inquisition.
Nobody Suspects the Spanish Inquisition.
As I mentioned before, I have a childlike mentality when it comes to forming friendships.. I see another person, and it doesn't matter to me your race, your gender, your religion, your sexual preference, whether you're shy or social.. I see you and I want to be your friend.
I like to boast that both my heart and my mind are pretty open for relationships.. although I also accept the fact not everyone feels the same way.
This week in my MOPS group we discussed boundaries in relationships..
Ironically I actually have done an entire bible study on Boundaries...
and yet Boundaries are something I really struggle with.
There are different kinds of people, (duh) But I am talking more specifically to how different people encounter and engage in relationships..
apart from extroverted (social) and introverted (shy, reserved)
there are also people who are:
*co-dependent-
co·de·pend·en·cy
ˌkōdəˈpendənsē/
noun
- excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically a partner who requires support due to an illness or addiction.
in·de·pend·ent
ˌindəˈpendənt/
adjective
Not Depending on another for livelihood or subsistence
and *interdependent which is the healthiest form of relationship-
in·ter·de·pend·ent
ˌin(t)ərdəˈpendənt/
adjective
- (of two or more people or things) dependent on each other.
In some of the relationships I have had that have struggled or failed it is because I have become at times Co-dependent...I need to be affirmed that I am needed, valued, appreciated.. you name it.. and people have fallen short of the bar.
This is a trap most people get into. (more on that later I am sure)
example of some co-dependent nature I've exhibited:
This week has been a rough one.. well actually this month has been a little rough emotionally..etc..
and it's moments like these that I need my friends the most.
I have this one friend who I consider to be one of my closest.. they're involved in many facets of my life and they are the one I go to when I need to "escape" from the daily grind/mundane/stress what have you.
Lately they have been overworked, over tired, and unavailable to fill my need for friendship and companionship and inside I started to break a little.
Every time they have backed out of plans, or denied my new plans, or straight up ignored my phone calls and texts I found myself sinking lower and lower onto what I see as the totem pole of worth and friendship.
After a month of this.. I got to a really low point where I lashed out at them.. and even announced to the whole facebook world "If you want to break an ENFP just make them feel that their friendship means nothing to you"
(dramatic.. ugh.. I know... why?... STOP... Ugh...)
The morning after my lashing out I felt sick to my stomach, emotional, vulnerable, miserable..
for me it didn't matter that I had all of these striving relationships.. I had this one broken one, and that's all I could fixate on.
and the irony of it all?? I had other friends available to console me and reason me through this rough patch with them..
I started to evaluate what is making me so crazed over something so small and forgivable.
Am I a stage four clinger? NO
Do I just want to hang out with someone who is too busy to give me the attention I need at this point in my life? Yes.
eventually they reached out to me and told me they were sorry they've been so distant and they're going through some things, and I agreed to give them space, and now everything is sorted out...
however, I have begun to evaluate more, what drives me in relationships, why I become vulnerable, why I need to be needed at times and can completely exist independently or interdependently apart from people other times..
On the forum of my dramatic "Broken ENFP" post, a good friend of mine brought up my enneagram score.
The Enneagram, is another test that essentially sorts people into one of 9 different personality types..and in knowing your type, you have more awareness of yourself where the Meyers-Briggs one falls short (at least I believe)
In assessing my score.. I have come to discover even more revelations of myself and why I am the way I am.
My score is closely tied as a type 7 and a type 2.
But In the heart of hearts of things. I am a 2.
What is a 2? Well let me tell you.
- THE HELPEREnneagram Type TwoThe Caring, Interpersonal Type:Generous, Demonstrative, People-Pleasing, and Possessive
What does this say about me?
Twos are empathetic, sincere, and warm-hearted. They are friendly, generous, and self-sacrificing, but can also be sentimental, flattering, and people-pleasing. They are well-meaning and driven to be close to others, but can slip into doing things for others in order to be needed. They typically have problems with possessiveness and with acknowledging their own needs. At their Best: unselfish and altruistic, they have unconditional love for others.
- Basic Fear: Of being unwanted, unworthy of being loved
- Basic Desire: To feel loved
Key Motivations: Want to be loved, to express their feelings for others, to be needed and appreciated, to get others to respond to them, to vindicate their claims about themselves.
which brings me to the whole point of this blog. The most important thing in my relationships with people is to be known and understood, and this is how I strive to be in relationships with others as well.
I give all of myself into every relationship I enter.
Which in itself is a blessing and a curse.
a blessing because I hold nothing back, I have my heart out there for the taking, I will give you the shirt off my back, I am a self-sacrificing , overtly loving and generous companion for any lucky person to behold..
however in never holding myself back, I give everyone I love the power to make or break me with their actions.
and in giving so much all the time, I set up an unrealistic expectation for the other party to be able and willing to do the same, and when they don't I am hurt.
So here is where boundaries come in...
People have their own guards up, their own ways of confronting others, and engaging in relationships. Not everyone I befriend is gonna be a people loving ENFP, type 2 who is going to put their life on pause for me when I need them or to exhort me with words of affirmation to remind me of my worth and value.
in fact a majority of the people I meet and befriend may not fit that bill at all.. Let's be real.
William Shakespeare said; "Expectations are the Root of Heartache"
Of course if I expect everyone to feel and act the way I do withEVERYTHING.. They are going to let me down. They are not going to meet the bill... They will become overwhelmed, and leave.
One of the things on of my fallen relationship partners said to me when our friendship hit the fan was that they thought I was superficial, juvenile, Materialistic, that I thought too highly of myself because of how much I had given them... that I thought less of them somehow as a person and a friend..because of said reasons... Like I needed to buy love from people.
If they had only given me the chance to talk this all out with them, the relationship would be saved, but they were done, they didn't want to communicate.. and they left things very unresolved and painful.
This is an example of the part of my type 2 personality where it says " They are well-meaning and driven to be close to others, but can slip into doing things for others in order to be needed."
The thing about the end of this relationship is, the person accused me of not being authentic, of using my generosity as a gimmick, a facade.. for superficial narcissistic reasons.. but also as my type describes me at my best that I am altruistic, unselfish and I love unconditionally.
If I have ever given myself to anyone it was never to gain anything back, however.. when I did, and the prize was YOU.. I rejoiced over and over again.
If I have ever told anyone I loved them, I have meant it more than anything I have ever said.
So in conclusion, (for fear of rambling on for 20 years) Relationships are hard, but they are worth it, and there are resources out there that can give you the tools to do life with others, and to understand who YOU are intrinsically and why...
And also.. communication, communication, communication is the most IMPORTANT thing in any relationship.. But again. (more on that later)
Stay tuned buttercups. The series on Relationships will continue.
Be Blessed! -Erin.
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